Scream Queens 2—Week 5

by XdarksparkX
Originally written: August 31, 2010
[Images courtesy of VH1.com]

Four shitty actresses have fallen, six suspect actresses remain… this week, the girls find out what its like die and come back 28 Days Later in an all-female Horror-Spaghetti Western. It’s Scream Queens 2—Week Five!

WEEK 5:

• SKILLS CHALLENGE:
  
  So this week, the girls will be playing zombies in the Skills Challenge. They will be bolted into a coffin where they will have to Falcon Punch their way out, before making their way to the mark where squibs (small explosive blood bags attached to the girl’s outfits) will go off, emulating getting shot to death… or “re-death” I suppose. Jaime also reveals that from here on out there will be no immunity granted to the winner of the Skills Challenge, which basically makes the Skills Challenge worthless in the sense of the competition, and now only exists for the lulz it will inevitably produce.
  
  During Jessica’s performance, Sierra sounds almost amazed that the squibs were not only loud, but made it look like she actually got shot. Hmm, maybe that’s because that’s the point? Speaking of Jessica, she was once again one of the solid performances, though she did play it a little safe by going with the stereotypical “brain nommer” choice for a zombie. Tai meanwhile is talking all kinds of shit about everyone else’s performances, saying “some of the girls were trying to be serious, but it just came off as comedic.” Well, that’s part of what camp is, Tai. I mean, have you not seen clips of the 1960s Batman show? Dictionary.com defines the term campy as “consciously artificial, exaggerated, vulgar, or mannered; self-parodying, esp. when in dubious taste.” Usually in movies, it’s shit that the characters take seriously that is absolutely ridiculous to the audience. If only she wasn’t actually good during her performance, I could’ve reamed her out some more… damn it.
  
  Anyway, Sarah decides that she needs a “bold choice” in order to stand out, apparently not realizing that the last time someone purposely tried to stand out it was Karlie, and she was axed for making batshit insane choices in the name of “standing out”. So Sarah punches out of the coffin, and proceeds to act like she’s the long lost rocker-chick of Wayne’s World. No… just, no. The look of repulsion on Jaime’s face when she witnesses this is just pure gold, it was like someone just shoved the festering carcass of a skunk up her nose.
  
  
  
  What the--EEEEWWWWW!
  
  
  Biggest face palm of the challenge is once again courtesy of Gabby, who is once again too focused on where she’s supposed to be than her actual performance. She gazes off into space with a vacant look on her face, looking down every two steps to see where her mark is, blatantly waiting for the squib to go off as she shuffles closer to it. (heavy sigh) It’s really not even worth commenting on.
  
  Stand-Outs: Jessica, Tai
  Face-Palms: Sarah, Gabby
  
  
• JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:
  
  The lesson the Supreme Tri-Mage Jedi Master known as John Homa will teach the girls this week is improv comedy. He’s requested the assistance of Joe Wengert of Upright Citizens Brigade, basically saying that he knows this is going to be a train wreck and needs someone versed in improv there to keep him sane. He warns the girls that comedy is hard… well, it’s hard for unfunny people Homa. For naturally funny people, it couldn’t be easier, but we’re not dealing with people who can be naturally funny, are we?
  
  The set up is that all of the sketches will take place in a world where monsters not only exist, but are integrated into society, so that humans have to deal with them everyday. Tai and Christine are up first, and the situation is that Christine is to be Frankenstein, and Tai being the officer writing him up a ticket for illegal parking. Chris really got the sent up shits creek without a paddle, I mean the Frankenstein (“It’s pronounced ‘Frahnkensteen’” sorry, Gene Wilder’s genius on the brain) monster has so little in the way of character, I found it hard to think up something funny that would be considered acceptable behavior in the “real world”. Naturally, she does what pretty much anyone would do, she plays it off like how the classic monster she knows would act. However, Joe makes the point of “when you get a ticket, what do you do? Since this is a world where Frankenstein monsters can go to jail, you obviously can’t push her or anything.” After they give Chris notes, they reverse roles and Tai naturally gets praise and thinks that she’s just amazing for playing it so much better than Chris. Get the hell off your high horse Tai, they told you exactly what they wanted. Congratulations, you are able to do well when someone else before you tries and gets notes on what they did wrong. Don’t break your damn arm patting yourself on the back.
  
  Gabby is laughing, completely embarrassed at what she’s doing and obviously afraid to actually commit to it. If you embarrass easily, how the hell do you expect to be an actress? You’re constantly putting yourself out there and doing embarrassing things, I mean are you going to burst out laughing if you have to talk or interact with a CG character that will be added in post-production? Not like her partner Sarah was any better, she sounded more like a damn chicken or a Chihuahua than the werewolf she was supposed to be. Homa even calls her on it, “Growl! You’re a werewolf, not a chicken!”
  
  Stand-Outs: …
  Face-Palms: Gabby, Sarah
  
  
• DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:
  
  For this Director’s Challenge, they’re amping things up. This time they will be shooting on the Western backlot at Universal Studios Hollywood, which is pretty bad ass if you ask me. However, the real important difference for this challenge is that all of the girls will be playing different parts, as opposed to each girl playing the same character like in previous challenges.
  
  The weak ass storyline for this one is two outlaw vampire cowgirls (Christine and Sarah) roll into the town of Undeadwood (haw haw, i c wut u did thar!), which is already home to a Vampire posse (Tai, Jessica, Gabby and Sierra) who will not have some random folk coming in and holding dey turf! Tai is extremely happy because she got Betty, the leader of the posse and a character who “likes to control the situation and people, much like myself.” [breaks out the novelty rubber stamps, stamps screen:] BITCH.
  
  Christine thinks she can own her role, especially after she gets into full costume with the fangs and what not. She “feels bad-ass.” Too bad that on the first shot of the day (her and Sarah’s arrival to Undeadwood) she comes off completely flat. No, don’t fall apart now Chris. Tai is in the background running her damn mouth again, saying that Christine couldn’t scare a butterfly. Umm, have you ever tried scaring a butterfly Tai? If it’s asleep, it’s not that easy. Chris I felt eventually got that cold indifference in her voice after a few takes, but apparently everyone else thought otherwise. It didn’t help that she was botching lines and attempting to act tough by spitting after her line via Tim’s suggestion.
  
  Sarah even has the balls to knock Christine, yet when it was her turn to shine in a scene where Gabby is dunking her repeatedly into a water trough, the dumb broad starts coughing and saying she needs a minute because she swallowed the water. Protip Sarah: do not inhale the water. Instead, keep mouth and nose closed until resurface. Speaking of Gabby, she’s still caught in the web of filmmaking technicality, and worrying to much about it instead of committing herself not only to the moment, but to the character and its emotions. Her scene where she recites the line “no one messes with my dinnah!” before looking at the bottle next to her, bringing it up, and then smashing it down was just so robotic and scripted, it was laughable. There was no true emotion, she recited the line, she smashed the bottle, the end. She was ecstatic when Tim said “excellent” after her final take, completely ignorant of the fact that he probably meant “that was excellent compared to your last three shitty takes.”
  
  I would say something about Tai, but her “holier-than-thou” attitude is just really grinding my gears, to the point where I find it hard to give her legitimate credit for anything she does well because its compounded by her confessional where she thinks she’s acting’s gift to this competition. So I’ll just say that she was good and move on. Jessica was also good (as usual) and took Tim’s direction extremely well.
  
  Stand-Outs: Jessica, Tai
  Face-Palms: Sarah, Gabby
  
  
• THE AXE:
  Those called to the Grand Ballroom for judgment were as follows:
  
  Tai was named Week 5’s Leading Lady (great, so she can hop back on her Horse and ride off into the sunset with Dudley Do-Right), no one got Runner-Up this week.
  
  Christine, Sierra, Sarah and Gabby were this week’s Bottom Four performers (holy hell!), and ultimately it was…
  …
  …
  Sarah, Ms. “Sha-ca-go Ma-dol”, who got AXED. Think of the bright side Sarah, not only do you get to go home and see your daughter, but you’ve furthered your modeling career by winning the most bullshit challenge on the show.
  
  

Rankings after Week 5:

1. Jessica (2-0-0; 5) .900
2. Tai (1-2-0; 5) .900
3. Gabby (1-1-2; 2) .500
4. Sierra (1-1-3; 2) .500
5. Christine (0-1-1; 4) .500
   
   
6. Sarah (0-1-1; 3) .425
7. Allison (0-1-1; 3) .425
8. Karlie (0-0-1; 2) .200
9. Rosanna (0-0-1; 1) .100
10. Lana (0-0-0; 0) .000

[KEY: Wins—Immunities/Runner Ups—Bottom Two’s; Total Times Safe (no ballroom appearance/not up for elimination if called. Called for bad performance while holding immunity results in no TTS)
Power Average:
Total number of wins {1.0 for win, 0.5 for immunity/runner up} divided by weeks, plus 0.TTS (I.E. +0.5 for Tai, Jessica; 0.4 for Christine, 0.2 for Gabby, Sierra]

Obviously there were no movers this week since we had four freaking people in the basement. That coupled with the elimination of immunity doesn’t screw up my random statistical algorithms, not at all (grrr…). To be honest, this week was painfully predictable. Sarah’s time was numbered for a few weeks now, and her inhaling of the water pretty much just sealed her inevitable fate. Gabby still is tragically inconsistent, and could possibly be a mainstay in the basement if she doesn’t get her shit together. It will be interesting to see how Tai follows up her best week ever next week. Did we witness the signs of a surge by the runner-up, or was it merely a one-hit wonder week that will have her struggling to repeat? Only time will tell…