Stark Ranting Mad: Beast Legends

by XdarksparkX
Originally Written: September 11, 2010

What happens when you take Deadliest Warrior’s bullshit pseudo-science and mix it with the cryptozoology half of Destination Truth? Apparently a shit storm broadcasted on SyFy by the name of “Beast Legends.”

The only reason I gave this show a try was because Destination Truth moved to a new night and I happened to habitually record two hours due to Ghost Hunters being DT’s old lead in. However, in hindsight I should’ve suspected something was up when I noticed that the promos for Beast Legends were extremely vague when it came to actually describing what the show is about.

So what is the show about, you ask? It was the first question that naturally kept ricocheting in my brain as I watched the opening credits. Apparently an art geek, computer nerd, and three so called “experts” get together, do “research” on animals similar to the legendary beast of the week, and “build” a computer rendering and mini movie with the creature they have “created”. THAT’S IT. Think of it as Build-A-Bear with mythical creatures, because that’s pretty much all they do. They take the “best” or “coolest” features of real-life animals and slap them together to create a pseudo-realistic Frankensteined version of the creature in question.

Now, what’s interesting is that some of these people have legitimate credentials (the black guy, Scott Edwards, is a f’n Professor of Organic and Evolutionary Biology at Harvard for crying out loud), which makes me wonder how in the blue hell they couldn’t see that this show is obviously just an overly anal-retentive way to make a damn movie-monster. I mean, lets face it, none of the creatures exist, so why the hell are we arguing about whether or not we can put “protective scales” on the Kraken—IT DOESN’T EXIST. Even if I’m wrong and it does exist somewhere, would the first thing you notice be that a 200-foot long Octopi-Squid hybrid has are scales!? The worst part about this, is that the “experts” are constantly like “let’s keep this grounded in reality.” HEY, DUMBASS! A 200 foot cephalopod isn’t grounded in reality to begin with, that’s why it’s a mythical fucking creature! That’s like saying “Star Wars shouldn’t have explosions in space, there’s no oxygen in our space” even though the films clearly state the story takes place “in a galaxy far, far away”!

As if the show wasn’t facepalm worthy enough, some genius decided that during certain parts of the footage when they’re out gathering their research they should put an animated CGI render of the creature in question off in the background. I’m sorry, is this supposed to suspend our disbelief? Are we supposed to buy that the poorly rendered tentacles off in the distance is actually the “real” Kraken? What they were going for here doesn’t make sense, because the render is so unbelievably bad no one in there right mind would think it’s real. It’s even worse when they have it off in the distance and make a loud splash, only for one of the team members to turn and look off in that direction. Ugghhh, you have got to be shitting me.

Know what, that’s not even the worst part of the show. No, the worst part is that when they find out that the Colossal Squid actually has little pivoting hooks on its tentacles in addition to the Giant Squid’s serrated suckers. Not content with just adding them on, the “concept artist” and Indiana Jones wannabe have to actually make these hooks to the scale they would be on their Kraken. So they head—where else—to a Hollywood prop shop to make these hooks. After time lapsed construction they finish them and decide to test them out. They use a barrel to simulate a ship’s hull, and start bashing the hell out of it. Needless to say, their craftsmanship blows harder than a Sperm Whale, and they barely manage to so much as chip the barrel. They then try to justify their shitty workmanship by saying that the hooks wouldn’t be enough to pierce the ship’s hull, but the Kraken would use them to latch on and let it’s sheer weight bring the boat down. Or guys, maybe you built the spikes to goddamn wide, with too much of a dramatic grade in the curvature, hence why it can barely scratch a goddamn barrel.

In it’s grand finale, these guys—for some unbelievably stupid reason—scout a location for where their Kraken could live. How many times do I have to say this, it’s not real! Why the hell do you need a location if you’re just going to make some 5 minute cinematic? You render the water, you put a boat model in it, Kraken owns said boat, the end. Where does the location have any significance what so ever? It’s like they knew they had to find a way to burn more money. Absolutely ridiculous.

Know what’s funny? I don’t even think the people involved in this show know what its supposed to be. The comic book/concept artist kept pushing for the damn “armor scales”, while we’ve got everyone else saying “stick to reality man!” It’s like the show itself is confused. All they do is build mythical creatures, so is it a conceptual art show? Yet, they actually study real-life animals behaviors and physiology, so is it a science show? Wait, they are technically doing all of this in the name of a creature that doesn’t exist, so is it a cryptozoology show? The CGI mixed in with the reality footage is unbelievably goofy, so is this a behind-the-scene’s look at the new SyFy Original Shitfest’s that are scheduled to come out? You know what, I think the answer to this mystery is one I’m content with leaving unsolved.