Scream Queens 2—Week 4

by XdarksparkX
Originally written: August 24, 2010
[Images courtesy of VH1.com]

Three shitty actresses have fallen, seven suspect actresses remain… this week, we find out who can slut it up better than the rest. It’s Scream Queens 2—Week Four!

WEEK 4:

• SKILLS CHALLENGE:
  
  The girl’s walk into this Skills Challenge only to be met by Jaime and Debbie Rochon, proverbial 90s scream queen and producer of Fangoria Magazine. It is here that it’s revealed that this isn’t an actual skills competition, it’s a goddamn modeling shoot, with the winner not only gaining immunity, but a photo spread in Fangoria. Jaime, bless her heart, tries once again to up-sell just how important this challenge is, like it a “skill” that’s extremely critical if these girls want to become a true Scream Queen. Okay, seriously, when has any legit scream queen had to pose for the cover of a movie like this? No, seriously. I dare you to go on IMDb and find me at least 10 well known horror films that have shots where the Scream Queen’s modeling prowess was critical in helping sell the film. While you’re at it, why don’t you send a unicorn-riding leprechaun my way. Much obliged.
  
  I will say this, at least they learned from their epic mistake last season. Last season they had a similar challenge, only they made it the Director’s Challenge. James Gunn would later state in an interview that it was his least favorite part about working on the show, since it’s really not what he does and he has no legit experience or expertise in the matter.
  
  Anyway, there’s really not much to say about this Challenge, there’s such minimal acting involved that it would be pointless to go over this. Allison bawws because she gets the role of the mother of a possessed child, and therefore her outfit isn’t slutty enough to her standards. “How am I supposed to be sexy in this blue potato sack” she croons. Well Allison, there’s actually a difference between “sexy” and “they call you 7-11 cause you’re open 24/7 slutty”, though you obviously think otherwise. In the end, Sarah ends up winning immunity (no, really!? The girl who said that she got into modeling first and then decided to pick up acting won the modeling challenge? Get outta town!) and that’s pretty much that.
  
  Stand-Outs: Acting talent? Where?
  Face-Palms: The challenge itself.
  
  
• JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:
  
  So at the end of the America’s Next Top Model Challenge, Jaime reveals that two of the girls are going to be changed. She points out Christine, basically because her superficial quotient was far too low for an aspiring Hollywood actress. She reveals that they are going to give both her and Sierra makeovers. They mainly did this to purely mess with Christine, who was freaking out about them trying to give her one of those ugly-ass pixie haircuts. In the end, they basically just styled Chris’s hair, and hacked most of Sierra’s off into a bob (the true lolz that this produced will come in a minute).
  
  So the girls have their weekly training session with Homi-Wan Kenobi, and he makes a mention of both girls new looks, but he really notices just how much of Sierra’s hair they sliced off. Sierra then goes into how much of a compliment it is for Homa to say that, how he’s so powerful and talented and… how flustered she gets just thinking about it now. Oh jeez, she’s crushing on Homa more than Molly Ringwald was crushing on Judd Nelson at the end of The Breakfast Club.
  
  Anyway, Homa introduces them to the random bar he’s set up (with these nits as your students, hitting the sauce is completely legit; take as many shots as you need to, man) and tells them that since this week is all about being sexy, they have to seductively make a margarita in order to seduce… him. Abusing the power, eh John? Do we expect any less from a demigod? No, we do not. Most of the girls are pretty grossed out by the prospect of seducing Homa, mainly because they attached him to this image of a quasi-father figure or something. Oh pshaw ladies, have we not versed ourselves in Greek mythology? Apparently Sierra already has, because she says—and I quote, “when I first heard we were seducing John I was like ‘ohh, my dream’s come true.’” Know what’s really disturbing? Right when she said that, I got a picture in my head of her slowly climbing on top of Homa, with the Disney song “A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes” playing in the background. (Disturbed shudder)
  
  Pretty much, none of them can take this challenge seriously. They all get up to the bar, and they all in one form or another botch a step in the mixing or burst out laughing, usually some form of both. There were two exceptions though. The first was Gabby, who basically stared Homa down like she wanted to tar and feather him in the town square. The second was Sarah, who pretty much cheated and had Homa lick some of the alcohol off of her finger, which pretty much sent most of the girls into an “Oh My Jesus” freak out.
  
  So after that fail-fest, Homa says that they were all pretending to be sexy, and he needs them to understand what hot looks like when you’re not trying to “play” hot, because whenever you try to play it, it looks wrong. It’s not about the slutty-ness of it, but more about the sensuality of it; the subtly of it without being so “OMG aren’t I just so sexxxay!?” The key move he teaches all of them is a slow clearing of the hair from one side of their face with the opposite hand (A move that Sierra can’t do anymore, because she doesn’t have the hair length for it! Cue teh lolz! Disappointed that it wasn’t funnier? Yeah, well… such is life). Not even the mighty Homa knows why this stupid move is hot, he just knows that damn it, it is.
  
  So in the end, Homa yells at Allison “RELAX YOUR FACE!”, says “Bam!” when Christine gets what he was talking about dead on, and pretty much kicks ass as only Homa can. The girls, well they more-or-less hit what he was trying to get them to go for, so I guess that’s good.
  
  Stand-Outs: N/A
  Face-Palms: N/A
  
  
• DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:
  
  For this Director’s Challenge the girls will have a unique co-star, a massive python named Bruce. Of course, Tai is deathly afraid of snakes and is pretty much flipping out at this point. The plot pretty much rips off the scene in From Dusk Till Dawn when Salma Hayek comes out and does her little striptease with a snake before trying to bite Quentin Tarantino’s face off. Only difference is that there’s only one person in the club, and that our girls are supposed to be part snake instead of a vampire. 21st century originality at it's finest!
  
  Bru Mueller plays the patron, so basically he’s got the job of sitting on his ass, delivering BS lines and watching seven girls put on their best “bimbo” for him. Lucky bastard.
  
  As far as the standouts go, Jessica was once again really damn good. She required minimal direction and is still very much holding her own this far into the game. Sierra, Christine and Sarah also seemed to do well from the sparse clips they showed of their performances. Credit also has to be handed to Tai, because even though she was freaking out about the prospect of working with the snake, you would never tell by her on-set demeanor. True professionalism at its finest.
  
  And as for the failures, well Allison thought that she was just going to rock this Director’s Challenge (yeah, the same way she rocked last week’s skills challenge… oops). However, she subsequently does the same bug-eyed thing Jaime told her to watch last week, and fails to live up to her yapping on a scale of epic proportions.
  
  Meanwhile, Gabby once again managed to not listen to direction. Tim kept saying “wait for the front lights to come on, not the back light” and yet—like the sun rising in the east—Gabby would start moving when the back light hit. She then proceeded to deliver her line about giving Bru “all the attention he deserves” while sitting in the chair at the other end of the stage not looking at him, instead of at the pole while facing him where the mark is designated. Un-freaking-believable, this girl couldn’t hit a mark if it was a dartboard painted on an elephant’s ass. How is she still here again?
  
  Stand-Outs: Jessica
  Face-Palms: Gabby, Allison
  
  
• THE AXE:
  Those called to the Grand Ballroom for judgment were as follows:
  
  Jessica was named Week 4’s Leading Lady, with no one getting the Runner-Up spot apparently.
  
  Allison and Gabby were this week’s Bottom 2 performers, and ultimately it was…
  …
  …
  Allison, Ms. All Talk/No Result, who got AXED. The eyes killed you Ali, and that’s probably why you were cast as a vacant shadow to promote Apple's product.

Rankings after Week 4:

1. Jessica (2-0-0; 4) .900
2. Tai (0-2-0; 4) .650
3. Gabby (1-1-1; 2) .575
4. Sierra (1-1-2; 2) .575 [previously 6th]
   
5. Christine (0-1-0; 4) .525
6. Sarah (0-1-1; 3) .425
   
   
7. Allison (0-1-1; 3) .425
   
8. Karlie (0-0-1; 2) .200
9. Rosanna (0-0-1; 1) .100
10. Lana (0-0-0; 0) .000

[KEY: Wins—Immunities/Runner Ups—Bottom Two’s; Total Times Safe (no ballroom appearance/not up for elimination if called. Called for bad performance while holding immunity results in no TTS)
Power Average:
Total number of wins {1.0 for win, 0.5 for immunity/runner up} divided by weeks, plus 0.TTS (I.E. +0.4 for Christine, Tai, Jessica; 0.3 for Sarah; 0.2 for Gabby, Sierra]

So the hierarchy stays more-or-less the same after Week 4; the top three are still intact even with Gabby’s dreadful Director’s Challenge performance. The biggest mover is obviously Sierra, who two weeks ago was scraping the bottom of the barrel hoping to find a miracle. I guess there was something in that old barrel after all. And even though she’s closer to the bottom now than before, my dark horse Christine is still hanging in there with a great percentage. If only she could win a challenge (or better yet, a challenge and immunity), she would leapfrog at least two spots with ease.

As a final note, I’m sure it would be easy to declare Jessica the far and away winner right here, since she’s won 2 of the 4 weeks now. However, one must remember that out of the eight weeks, last years winner Tanedra only won Leading Lady once, scored immunity twice, and was in the bottom two on Week Seven. We’ve only reached the half way point—there’s still plenty of time for the mighty to fall…