Monday, December 27, 2010

Theme Park Thoughts: "Courageous. Outrageous. Extraordinary."

 
by XdarksparkX
Originally written: December 27, 2010

There is a place, just beyond the horizon there, that calls to me. If you look closely, you can see a faint ray of light, twirling every so gracefully. It’s caster no doubt had begun its cycle a mere few hours after the sun has been chased away from the heavens by the impeding twilight. Can you see it? No? Well, such is to be expected of the non-believers; the doubters of that place and its true existence. Sure, they will see it when they’re close enough, when they are standing within the daunting shadow of the casting lighthouse, but I however do not need to see the source to know that the light is there. I see it every time I look up at the lonely, darkened night skies. It casts itself across the endless sea of black nothingness we call space to call to me… it calls for my return.

When I had discovered this place in all it’s true splendor, I needed it more than I ever knew back then. Back some 800 miles to the north of here, I had been judged as if I had committed despicable acts akin to first-degree murder. Paranoia beseeched me in this place I had been forced to call home for the majority of the past 21 years, and everywhere I turned I could hear the nonexistent words that came from the condescending mouths of the decadent: “He doesn’t have a job, the last college course he took was two years ago, he has to drive his mom’s car to get anywhere. The lack of his relenting hand has bred an inability to use the measurement calculations that we have imposed on this life script to define one’s self-worth at a glance. Ergo: Loser.

Not here though.

The aforementioned lighthouse loomed above me on this warm October day. Most would gaze upon this structure and take awe in it’s size, for his presence was easily associated with pure intimidation. I however, saw it as my towering protector, it would shield me from all outside critiques and judgments. It’s light did not beckon fabled travelers to it
no, it beckoned me, and all those like me who felt the deafening criticisms surround them and violently force them into thoughts of negative self-worth as a way to say “come, you are safe here.”

The whimsical, mystical sweeps of the strings, followed by the proud and triumphant horns strung themselves from the warm Floridian air into the deepest depths of my ear cartilage. This music had an unexplainable grace and enchantment to it. I felt elated by it, emboldened to step forth into the familiar and the undiscovered equally. As such, each note seemed to puppeteer another step beyond my protector and into the heart of what they call “The Port of Entry”.

To the average park-goer, this was nothing more than another theme-park main street. To those of us who can see beyond this mere façade, it is something so much more. The text “The Adventure Begins”, which is inscribed upon a crumbling stone archway as you venture deeper into the heart of the Port, does not beckon you to mere amusement rides and attractions. No, it beckons you to a journey within yourself. The fantastical worlds you are about to explore are mere reflections of your innermost desires and fears. The attempt to recapture toddler innocence, the simplicity of childhood ‘black and white / good versus evil’ dichotomy, the empowerment of conquering coming-of-age adversity, the joys of twilight year retrospection and pratfalls, and the fears of the inevitable appearance of the specter known as death lying in wait just beyond the brush.

This journey into self begins with the colorful misshapes and abstract—almost demented architecture of a place known as Seuss Landing. Before structural feasibility infiltrated our brains, Theodore S. Geisel under the pseudonym of “Dr. Seuss” brought to us a place where all things were possible; the word “impossible” was merely a careless misspelling of “I’m possible”. A place that, while fantastical in nature, somehow drew stark reflections to a deeper, darker world that we—at the time—were all but oblivious to. Seuss Landing is the start of the journey, for it requires us to remember when life was simpler, when we could be who and what we wanted to be, when harsh and cruel judgment existed in the same way that quantum physics did: within a field far beyond our small world, peacefully oblivious to its being. It is a reminder for all of us to rediscover that innocence, even after the world around us has been tainted by the harshness of adulthood.

With each transition into the next phase of the journey (or to the simplistic, with each voyage to a different island), the experience becomes a metaphorical pendulum. Always reflecting back to it’s starting point in order to achieve momentum and progress. I fuel this concept by passing the origin point of this journey and discover my next stop to be Marvel Superhero Island. I have stepped into a world where everything is as simple as we all wish it were out there. There is good, and there is evil. Very little gray, very few waning towards both sides. To join into the fray is only to give us a peace of mind that this line of thinking isn’t completely wrong. After helping a friendly neighborhood web-crawling superhero, and climbing into a ‘Gamma Ray Accelerator’ and unleashing the pure rage within that comes from the frustrations of remembering how it felt to be “too young to have a voice worth hearing”, I can’t say I disagree. However, even though the heroes and villains painted into this life-sized canvas are easily identifiable, it may be that way because we want them to be. We want—nay, need it to be that simplistic. In a way, we’re still children. We still want things laid out like a neatly made five-star hotel bedspread. This island may gratify that need, but the fact that the villains are never truly vanquished, in that they always manage to find a way to re-appear and harass the superheroes with another overly elaborate plan to take over the city and / or world, should really crumble the very foundation of that illusion. This fact stares us dead in the eye down the alley of Yancy Street, where the terrifying Dr. Doom extracts the fear from the very marrow of your being, in the same fashion without interruption from the Fantastic Four, over and over again and again no matter how many times you board his Fear Fall Towers. In order to achieve peace, gray area must not only exist, but is required. This seems to speak to the darker truth of the island, the truth that we so hastily refuse for fear of disillusionment and thus the inevitable progression to the next Island: the battle here is futile, because the war can never end.

Swinging back once again across the Port’s shoreline, I fondly remember a time of wonderment as I pass through Geisel’s landing. Yet when I reach the northern outskirts of the landing, I am faced with the most contrasting change in the journey yet. The world gets suddenly more drab as I walk over a rustic bridge, the menacing statue of a Griffin guardian bearing a torch greeting me upon arrival on the adjacent shore. This is the Lost Continent, and while not wholly what it used to be, the change that overtook the majority of this Island is one that suits the outlook I am scribing more appropriately. This Island has become a mere buffer, the space and time in between what was left of our childhood and what lies ahead in our coming-of-age. The wonderment of exploration is the motif here, a reflection of our dire attempts to break out and discover a world unknown to us as our existence turns to teen-hood.

And then, it appears. A dark stone archway abruptly halts the wonderment of the unknown. It seems I have found teen-hood, and in hindsight I think it was better left undiscovered. Yet still I venture forth, under the archway, my heart hammering within my ears. A town covered in snow awaits beyond. The buildings seem to completely wall the external world out—an architectural hallway leading to a destination unknown. There is an unsettling air about this place though, it’s not nearly as welcoming and joyous as it would like you to believe. Perhaps a metaphor of the deceit that lay in wait in the years to come?

The first horror of this place reveals itself via monstrous, otherworldly roars. My gaze snaps to the right, and the first detour of this leg of the introspection has begun.

Twin dragons are furiously careening towards and around each other. Spiraling almost out of control, yet with a precise and calculated grace that is almost foreign to me. They beckon to be challenged; to be conquered. The stark duality, and yet striking contractility of them is an axiom in itself. Two dragons, and yet one warrior. A choice must be made. By choosing which dragon to tame, we are making the choice of who we want to become. Past the point of no return, our only choice: to freeze, or burn?

The choices are intriguing to say the least. To the left lies the Fire dragon’s cavern, which was likely to leave you as a forgettable pile of ash for daring to take such a bold choice on brazen chance. However, the Ice dragon to the right threatens to keep you standing still, never achieving what you want… lost amidst frigid waves of “could haves” and “would haves.” The latter struck a little too close to home at the present time, and so if I was already partially frozen, best to attempt to thaw yourself out than further complete the process. And so the flame-wielding dragon tossed and spun me about, only to eventually subside when it careened towards the castle it departed from and crashed unceremoniously into a crumbling stone façade.

Dismounting the beast, adrenaline is deeply rooted and coursing throughout my bloodstream. I have conquered it, and I feel as though nothing that is or was could ever hope to bring me down. I disembark from the castle ruin, only to find myself tracing my steps back towards it in order to conquer the beast’s raging twin. Here, I am free to leave no stone unturned without consequence. It is because of this, that I am able to solve the conundrum of the true nature of the beast’s duality, and the why of their existence. To best these creatures, you must to conquer both, and not favor one or the other, lest you wish for the effects of the favored dragon to curse you with its eternal consequences.

Having bested the airborne beasts, I wander deeper into this world with a newly instilled confidence. Then, as I round a corner, I feel the air seemingly drained from my very lungs (which in hindsight seems like a petty precursor for certain creatures that dwelled within the castle’s walls), the thoughts of triumph purged from my contemplative queue. The towering castle upon the jagged cliff-side manages to claim the feelings of dread, wonder, and terror all at once. Yet still, I find myself venturing towards it, and subsequently deeper into it’s depths.

When I re-emerge from the depths of the cliff face, I am unsure what exactly has transpired in there. Things once thought agreeable became terrifying, uncertainty flooding my brain and making it the only thought my neurons could relay. Logic was turned upside down, akin to viewing a magician’s illusions for the first time. Now, in retrospect, the true concept of it all was that you were to purposefully stare various Demented apparitions of death in the very eye, and come out the other side able to tell the tale. Perhaps the purpose of this Forbidden Journey in the grand scheme of this introspective excursion serves as a message that as we conquer teenage adversity, we must accept that death exists and is mere inches away from us at times, if we are to ever hope to exhaust our existence to its greatest extent. The enlightenment of the overcome adversity brings forth the tragic realization that all things must come to an inevitable end.

Once this realization has set in, we do not care to focus on it. Instead, we care to focus on the good times—the funny papers, if you will. Toon Lagoon helps us do just that.

Once you hit an age where what you remember from your childhood is seemingly lost on the newly ushered generation of today, a certain bond and appreciation seems to stem towards what your elders remembered from their childhoods. An appreciation of the fact that we all, at one point or another, existed within the very capacity that we have just realized has past us by far too quickly. The majority of the characters that reside in Toon Lagoon are well before the time I came into being, and yet this does not hinder my appreciation for this Island. Maybe I didn’t grow up watching Dudley Do-Right miraculously manage to outwit Snidely Whiplash and save Nell Fenwick; or Popeye freakishly down a can of spinach before upper-cutting Bluto into the atmosphere of the moon in honor of Olive Oyl, but damn it, I embrace these characters as if I did. The familiarity perhaps comes with the fact that these characters were lost amidst the shuffle of oncoming generations and interests, just as the characters my childhood claims have finally been lost amongst this generation.

The last stop is a fitting oxymoron: to reach the end, you must go back to before the beginning. Jurassic Park becomes the final stop, after the laugher has faded away and we know that the inevitable end is waiting just around the corner…

Before I board the boat destined to take me to world’s end, I can see the spires of that mystical castle just over the lush jungle foliage. Fitting, I suppose, for it was at that point when the realization that the reaper will come for you inevitably one day fully set in.

The boat begins its serene journey through giant wooden doors, where a naturally carved estuary feeds into a biological nature preserve of creatures thought to be extinct so many years ago. Only through miraculous engineering do they stand before me today, though the pit of my stomach can’t help but feel that marveling at this slight against the universe is an action that shall not go unpunished.

Deeper into the river, into a natural spring where herds of Stegosaurs are currently residing. Simply breathtaking creatures to behold, even though they are technically no different than a modern-day rhinoceros. Perhaps lack of familiarity and exposure makes these creatures more wondrous than they would’ve been in their heyday.

As the venture continues, a blithe Hadrosaurus gets a bit too playful. Knocked off my predestined course, I find the attempts to rear the boat back futile, and thus I slowly drift past the point of no return and towards the carnivore paddocks. Suddenly, everything has changed. I have gone from assuming my days would end peacefully in my sleep, to suddenly becoming a hospital patient going code-blue.

Passing desolate foreshadowing remains of what awaits me, my heart threatens to burst forth straight out of my chest. I manage to steer the boat towards the old Maintenance Building, where my raft catches on to the diagnostic and storage lift, and is slowly pulled upwards into the darkness.

Vicious packs of Dromaeosauridae (or “Raptors
, for those more familiar with Steven Spielberg’s terminology) have overrun this building, and surely my end will be at the hands of their feeding. Yet, when the boat manages to reach the top of the lift and turn a corner, I find a much bigger predator awaits to claim my fate.

An awe-inspiring Tyrannosaur looms before me, having apparently broken through the concrete walls and unwittingly lodged itself in place. I have no where to go, no place to hide; the lift slowly pulls me closer and closer to the awaiting maw that the Rex boasts. Yet I do not fear it, not anymore. I have accepted this, and I have prepared for the inevitable cease of my existence. It is something we all must do at one point or another.

When only a few feet from the beast, the Rex proceeds to lunge towards me, only to miss by mere cubic inches. His breath reeks of death and decay, and yet that particular fate is one I seem to have eluded. A wayward pipe, broken by his sudden presence, crashed down a second earlier, creating a haphazard waterfall which my boat could do nothing but careen down. And so I plummet down its slope, a mere puppet of the never-ender known as gravity.

Water rains down upon me as the schooner crashes into the peaceful lagoon that rests within the shadow of the building. This is the perfect signal—the sign from the heavens that my journey, my unequivocal physical existence within this place, has come to an end. The waters that shower me do nothing but cleanse and refresh. This final stroke is the crescendo of an epic musical number. My adventure, as well as I, have ceased to exist.

However, in this place there is no death—there is only rebirth. For the waters wash away the colors of the shame that they gave to me, only for me to see again… to live again. As if by some cataclysmic event, or some obscure wormhole theory, I find myself back in the place where it all began without clue or idea as to how. A familiar arch now leaves a different message for me: “The Adventure Lives On.

I have conquered raging twin dragons, and I have saved a city from total annihilation (with the help of super-powered friends). I have relished my past, laughed at my future, and I have accepted the existence of my inevitable end by staring 65 million year-old harbingers of death in the eye. They do not care, but here, they do not matter. Here the adventure is your own—the Islands mere theoretical LEGO pieces available to construct your own free-standing sense of self. Where the adventure ends, lies with you and you alone. For me, I know the adventure, unlike life, shall live eternal.

Before I know it, I have ventured out of the Port to find myself back once again within the shadow of the lighthouse—my protector, always and forever. In this, the dead of nightfall, it’s beacon further reassures me that it will never let harm nor sorrow infiltrate me when I step beyond the wrought iron gate adjacent to it’s base. Standing here now is the only time where I am once again blatantly aware of my being, of my physical existence in the here-and-now. Everything that has transpired over the last 72 hours feels as if it were an event within the narcosis of sleep—a fantastical dream-like bliss. Yet I know for a fact that the memories have a more solid weight than that of a dream’s vacant haze. I was there, I existed, and I experienced every image that is now just out of reach.

My protector has no expression, nor does it need one. It simply need to shine its light towards the horizon, knowing that one day I will follow its ray back to my true home, and we will meet again with the unwavering smiles and “hello’s” of old-acquaintances. Until we meet again, my old friend.

I know what awaits me when I return to my northeastern abode, they will tell me that it all wasn’t real—that it was all “make-believe”. What is ‘make-believe?’ The construct of that which is not real, by definition? Then what defines ‘real?’ Something our brains register to us and us alone as ‘existing’? Then surely what a schizophrenic sees when having a psychotic episode is ‘real’, is it not? If the perception of realism comes solely from the verification of others, how can anything be christened ‘real’ when humans have the infinite capability to lie in order to feel their existence and opinion is accepted and validated by their peers?

Perhaps they tell me it’s make-believe because it is not what surrounds us daily. What surrounds us in this blue sphere that slowly circles an epic star is death, destruction, and ruin and that to them is reality. Elation and acceptance, especially the kind I feel back there, is something artificial—a way for the pathetic human to desperately balance and cope with the mass amounts of decadence that has been pumped into this world. But maybe the decadence exists is such copious quantities in order to keep the heartless machine known as society well-oiled and churning. Fear, after all, is a much better controlling agent and slave master than joy. Ah, but to find the truth to all this, the classic existentialistic question must be answered: ‘What came first, the chicken or the egg?’

Surely scribing all of these thoughts out is only going to incur them to spawn the classic “you’re looking too far into it” euphemism. Be it a theme-park, movie, story, idea, etc. I have heard that tripe one time too many for my liking. Am I really looking too hard, or are you not looking hard enough?

“You will not be judged. Not here—never here.” The spectral light speaks to me now, even though it’s caster has been enveloped by the finite vision of the horizon, “Come be how you want to, be who you were always meant to be. Here, take the chances you are so afraid to take out there, and take them without fear of the ridicule you have taken shelter from. This is the place where the cowardice within dies, and the bravery within shall arise. So come forth, and be courageous, be outrageous, be extraordinary.”

* * *


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Scream Queens 2—The Finals (Week 8)


by XdarksparkX
Originally written: September 28, 2010
[Images courtesy of VH1.com]

Seven shitty actresses have fallen, the top three actresses remain… this week, all the proverbial marbles are on the line; it’s put up or shut up. In the end, one of the final three will in all likelihood become just another forgettable victim in the massive Saw body count. It’s Scream Queens 2—Week Eight: The Finals!



Week 8
  • ELIMINATION CHALLENGE (SEMI-FINAL):

    Changing things up right out of the gate, as the first challenge is not a Skills Challenge, but rather a Director’s Challenge where the lowest performer will be eliminated on the spot. This is serious girls, one mess up and everything that you worked for will go down the toilet faster than Mr. Hanky. (I’m staring intently at you, Jessica. One flub and your power trip comes to a more disappointing end than the Philadelphia Flyers 2010 Stanley Cup Playoff run).


    Tim reveals that they will basically be copying the Semi-Final Challenge from Season 1. The challenge is named The Gauntlet, and it will entail a long chase scene that will be done in one continuous take. The only difference between this challenge and it’s predecessor from the first season is the location; instead of a dark, seedy apartment complex the chase will take place in a sun strewn park playground. THE HORROR OF DAYLIGHT SHALL OVERTAKE YOU! (They actually started filming after dark, so I'll stop knocking that)
    .

    There are a lot of complex technical aspects (Hi Gabby), and transitions from “unsuspecting, to terrorized, to an ass-kicking heroine in the end.” (Man, Homa’s still kicking after eight weeks in hell). Blah blah blah…ugh, enough. You get it, it going to be hard and complicated. Let’s just skip the bullshit and get to the performances.


    Like the sun rising in the east, Jessica is once again up first. This challenge is particularly hilarious because we see all three judges react to the scene as they watch it as well. Jessica’s first mistake that they “calmly” pointed out? She didn’t get in the damn car fast enough after the stalker on the phone says “I’m the guy who’s watching you walk to your car”. Seriously, would you really be that nonchalant about that kind of comment in real life Jess? Gah. She corrects this in her second take, but I’m not actually believing her when the stalker pops out and grabs her from the back seat of her car. She’s much to reserved, infact she doesn’t even scream. Not to mention, she oversells her leg injury after tripping him up so much I thought she was auditioning to be a WWE wrestler. Your leg is not broken Jessica, stop dragging it around like you
    ve got a lead weight in your shoe. Her third and final take she seemed to pull everything together, but what does it say when the powerhouse of the competition has problems with this scene?

    My dark horse Christine is up second, and her first take she makes almost the exact same mistake that Jessica made: hesitance to act on the urgency of the situation. Why do I have to say this twice?
    Someone is watching you from afar and knows your cell phone number, get your ass in the goddamn car, you dumb broad! She was also admittedly boring as hell in her setup while walking to her car. She completely turns it around in her second take after Tim’s direction, and she added a very realistic and subtle improvisation that made the setup ten times better. She then corrects what I thought Jessica failed at and completely panicked when the stalker grabs her, going as far to honk the horn out of reactive instinct. It was all going so well, and then Homa in his vast wisdom made the great point of “I don’t know what it is, but I’m just not pulling for [her character] to win.” Sadly, he was right. As good as her second take began, there was just something missing in the finale of Christine’s second take. It was almost too… light, I guess is the word I’ll use here. There was no power to her taking this guy out, it was all just… light. However, she does her finale much better on her final take, with a much better emphasis on the situation that has just occurred. It would seem the dark horse isn’t out of the race just yet.

    Then there’s Gabby. For someone who’s as technically inept as she is she didn’t do as bad as I thought. She was overly frightened during the beginning of her first take, and she was the only one of the three to actually outrun the camera but other than that her performance was solid during her third take. Very good showing from her given her previous track record with technical scenes.


    All three girls put out above average performances, but in the end only two could move on while one got the axe, and the person who tasted cold steel was…



    CHRISTINE.
    NOOOOOOO! Damn it! She was so damn close! (heavy sigh) Well, I hope this can open doors for her and that she can go far, because in my opinion she has more potential than any of the other girls. I saw it from day one, and I’m sticking to that belief even now as she walks away. Best of luck to you Christine Haeberman, I hope to see you acting again soon.

    ---

    So now it’s down to just two. Jessica and Gabby, a knockdown-drag out fight to see who will win it all and appear in Saw 3D. To the death—NO, to the pain!

    Before their final challenge, the girls are picked up via limo and driven to Lionsgate headquarters. Inside, they are greeted with a personalized greeting from Billy, Jigsaw’s iconic puppet (voiced terribly by some n00b stand-in who sounds nothing like Tobin Bell) welcoming them to the Final Challenge and congratulating them for getting this far. Video game voice replacement guy also tells them that their final challenge will be their take on the situation Lawrence Gordon found himself in in the original Saw film when he answers the phone and hears his wife and daughter on the other line begging him to help them, unaware that he is helplessly shackled to a pipe in an industrial bathroom.


    They return to the house after picking up their final challenge scripts for one last exercise with Johnny H.


  • JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:

    Homa starts the final meeting off like only he can. He asks the girls if they had a big meeting at Lionsgate, and both nod excitedly with grins lining their faces. “Yeah? Forget about it!” Bam, he takes them back to reality so fast they can do nothing but hang their heads in shame. “Focus on the task at hand! Take a look at each other, if you are not better than the person across from you, you are going home!” I will miss you and your epic rage Homa, if only you had your own show.

    So this exercise is different in that they will actually be doing the scene that is in the final challenge. In essence, this is their practice run. This is their only run where they can mess up without any negative repercussions (other than Homa raging at them of course). One of the girls will be the character they will play the next day, and the other will be the character’s sister who’s on the phone in the hands of Jigsaw. Jessica’s up first, and right away Homa shows that just because this is the last class, no one will skate thorough this unscathed. “The start of the scene, you wake up, you’re chained to a wall—you’re a prisoner. Where is that? All I’m getting is this [vacantly looks around without reacting to the scenes setting]. How long does it take you to realize you’re not where you should be?” He then tells them to switch it up, and Gabby is basically just as awful, you can just see the rage festering in Homa’s eyes as he watches her.

    They both didn’t fully commit to the scene for whatever reason, and Homa makes damn sure that they both understand this. “I need a series of realizations here. Your sister is on the phone saying ‘don’t let me die’ and you say you won’t. You made a promise to someone, you don’t know where they are and you’re chained to a wall!” He wants them to show him the desperation that comes with saving their own life in order to save their sisters, and he wants the full commitment to make him feel like the situation isn’t a damn high-school musical, but an actual life and death situation.

    Second tries, and Jessica’s performance feels like the biggest rip-off of Cary Elwes in the original Saw. All she’s missing is the goofy accent leak moments and it would’ve been straight from the movie. I’m not necessarily saying that’s bad, it’s just… interesting. Homa’s final task for them is that at the end of the scene, he needs the primal rage of a survivor, someone who is a victim no longer (ohh snap, and he comes full circle with everything back to the very first class! Homa, you sick genius, you).

    Gabby’s second try is up, and Homa calls her on ‘attempting to cry’. (boy, he’s just hitting every mark from everything he’s shown them, this is pretty damn epic). “Is the character trying to cry? No, the character is trying to solve a problem!” Then, Homa does what he does, he hits that emotional water valve and the tears come a flowing from Gabby like the Hoover freaking Dam just collapsed. From there, the transition to the final line of “I will kill you” becomes nothing but a formality, and Gabby delivers it with believable angst and power. Game, set and match, the mighty Homa’s work for Scream Queens 2 is complete.

  • FINAL CHALLENGE:

    For the final Director’s Challenge, Tim states that his job was to merely prepare and coach them to work with any director. He reveals that for the final act they will have a guest director. The man who sat in the chair for Saw II, III and IV, the one and only Darren Lynn Bousman! Hell to the mother eff’n yes! Full Sail U alum in the hizzouse!


    Ahem, anyway, Jess is once again first out of the gate. She does exactly what she did in the Semi though, she does not look like she’s actually aware and present when it comes to her situation. Darren calls her on this, and gives her tons of notes for her second take. To her credit, she did exactly what he asked and was a more “proactive character” in her second take. Then, the call came in. “You’re not asking her if she’s at the mall buying clothes, you need to be urgent.” BWHAHAHAHA! Oh man, I had no clue Darren had that kind of snark in him! That was freaking brilliant. Jessica then stalks around, shouting that she’ll kill whoever is doing this, repeating “I’ll kill you” over and over like an annoying sound byte on a child’s toy. Darren once again calls her on it, and tells her not to pace back and forth but to actually try to find a way out. In the end, he thinks that she got where he wanted and he noted how well she takes direction.


    Gabby steps up to the plate, and in so many words whiffs on her first take. Darren didn’t even let her get 30 seconds into her scene before slicing it off. She was far too alert for his liking, especially for a character who was supposed to have been mildly drugged beforehand. Of course, after some direction it’s no problem, but her second take has no progression from sorrow to rage and she just kind of jumps from one to the other. Again, some direction rights that ship and she finishes strong and Gabby of all people finally fully commits herself to a scene and completely rages out in the finale. Nice.


    Like last year, this final is really up in the air. Either one of them could win, but there can be only one. Without further ado, the winner of Scream Queens 2 is…



    !!GABBY!!
    Wait, what? The fuck just happened here? How–when–who… how? Talk about upset of the year. Seriously, on consistency alone I probably would’ve gone with Jessica, but it is what it is. Jessica was right, it is really hard for Hispanics to break out in Hollywood. I think there was some judgmental bias possibly floating around, I mean they praised Gabby since the first challenge even though her performance was average. Never-the-less, congratulations to the underdog. It will be interesting to see how she fares in Saw 3D…
Final Rankings (links to each girls IMDb page embedded in their name)
  1. Gabby (2-1-2; 4) .757
  2. Jessica (3-1-0; 7) 1.200
  3. Christine (0-1-2; 5) .571
  4. Tai (1-2-2; 5) .785
  5. Sierra (1-1-4; 2) .450
  6. Sarah (0-1-2; 3) .425
  7. Allison (0-1-2; 3) .425
  8. Karlie (0-0-1; 2) .200
  9. Rosanna (0-0-1; 1) .100
  10. Lana (0-0-0; 0) .000
[KEY: Wins—Immunities/Runner Ups—Bottom Two’s; Total Times Safe (no ballroom appearance/not up for elimination if called. Called for bad performance while holding immunity results in no TTS)
Power Percentage:
Total number of wins {1.0 for win, 0.5 for immunity/runner up} divided by weeks, plus 0.TTS (I.E. +0.7 for Jessica; 0.5 for Christine; 0.4 for Gabby, etc.]

And thus ends another season of Scream Queens. Whether or not there will be a Scream Queens 3 now that the Saw franchise is coming to an end is unseen. All that I know is that if there is, you can be damn sure that I will be watching from opening night until the finale, and I will be sharing the acting failure induced lulz and epic HOMA RAGE moments until the inevitable end.


The 2010 VH1 Scream Queen -- Gabrielle West



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BEWARE THE SACRILEGE!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Scream Queens 2—Week 7


by XdarksparkX
Originally written: September 21, 2010
[Images courtesy of VH1.com]

Six shitty actresses have fallen, four suspect actresses remain… this week the girls get in touch with their inner Emily Rose as they get possessed by the spirit of Hannibal Lector (not really, but kinda). It’s Scream Queens 2—Week Seven!



WEEK 7:
  • SKILLS CHALLENGE:

    This week, the girls will be possessed by a ghost in the Skills Challenge. The setup is that they’re attempting to contact a murdered woman via a séance, a woman who’s reputation staked her as the town tramp (lovely). The girls are to call on the spirit, have it enter their being, state its case and then exit their body. It’s a constant transitional performance basically.

    Jessica played it off as if the girls reputation was not unfounded, like this girl really was the village bicycle (everyone’s had a ride!) She was almost overly sensual, I think Tai said it best in the confessional: “Whoa, Jessica. This is a little ‘bow-chicka-bow-wow’” And Christine comes along and takes cues from that but toned down physically, however her dialog is so vulgar it would make a sailor take notice and say “…damn.”

    Tai was the one who actually thought “maybe this girl wasn’t the town slut, maybe some guy or girl just gave her that bad rep.” (Gasp! Deep story thinking and logistics are finally being used in this challenge!) She took this idea, and jacked it 425 feet into Ashburn Alley. Out of the park, walk off home-run. Her performance was simply outstanding. Is this a possible resurgence after her epic reality check last week?

    As for Tai’s antithesis Gabby, she seemed too focused on her choice to cough when the spirit entered and exited her that it kinda pulled me out of her performance. It was like she was being choked by the spirit when it entered her, and then trying to throw it up when it eventually left.

    Stand-Outs: Tai
    Face-Palms: N/A

  • JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:

    Doing only what the Great Homa can, John wants the girls to explore the state of inebriation. “As a Scream Queen, odds are that you’re going to have scenes where you’re drinking” …and then attempting to run away from a lumbering seven-foot machete-wielding psychopath, only to fall on your ass and not get the fuck back up. Ahem, sorry, that ticks me off every goddamn time I see it. Anyway, Homa wants the girls to play plastered, without actually being plastered (because that would just be cheating… and unprofessional on a set, but mainly cheating).

    After a few “drunken speech” tips, Homa sets up a scenario where at an office party, he is Christine’s boss and she has to drunkenly admit to being in love with him. At first, she flounders a bit, but she gets exactly what he wanted on her second try. He tells Tai to do the same, and the mood goes from lighthearted to HOMA RAGE in a matter of Tai overplaying her drunken state by crashing into an adjacent table. “KEEP THIS REAL, YOU!” You could just feel the anger-venom Homa spat out when he said this, “This is not a comedy, so why are you overplaying it!? I heard you were terrific with Jaime, so let’s go!” Damn, I don’t know if I can recall someone being on Homa’s shit list in back-to-back classes. Maybe I spoke too soon about her resurgence…

    Homa changes things up when Gabby steps up. This time, he’s supposed to be her boyfriend who’s always abused her, and thanks to a little alcoholic empowerment, she’s finally going to give him a piece of her mind. What Gabby seems to miss are two critical concepts, “drunk” and “empowerment” because she displayed neither.

    Jessica steps up and really nails down what Homa wanted, the back and forth between him and her felt very realistic, pretty much everything from her slurring of words to her off-balance stature was extremely believable. It’s a shame that after not being anywhere near the Bottom 2 for seven weeks, her head’s started to balloon so big I wonder if Falcon Heene is hiding in there.

    In a Shyamalan-ian twist, Gabby starts crying and says that she knows she could’ve done better when asked about it by Homa. He asks if he puts her back up there, will she give him better and she states a resounding “yes”, so he lets her try again. This straight up pisses in Jessica’s Trix cereal, because she swears that now that Gabby has seen her performance she knows what to hit in order to get what Homa wants. Jess starts to BAAWW about how “it’s not fair that certain people get second chances” She says that everyone else gets one shot and they have to bring it on that one shot, blah blah blah. By that logic Jess, second takes, reshoots and editing aren’t “fair” either. To be honest, this seems like her “I have to work harder because I’m Hispanic” demons are creeping up to the surface after watching a saltine cracker like Gabby get a second shot (not like you needed it Jessica, you were still kick ass). I think that she also knows that at this stage in the competition all it takes is one successful power play before she finds herself down a goal with a minute left to play.


    "Baaaawwwww!"

    Stand-Outs: Jessica, Gabby (second try)
    Face-Palms: Tai, Gabby (first try)

  • DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:

    Somewhere in Baltimore State Hospital, Hannibal Lector is grinning ear-to-ear at the prospect of this weeks Director’s Challenge. The girls are to play a psychopathic murderer locked in a modern day asylum, revealing the details of their killing spree to their very own Clarice Starling. The Jodie Foster for the girls is Heath Freeman, who’s most notable stint according to his IMDb page was a 7 episode run on Raising The Bar. Hey, at least SQ is a job, right?

    Jessica, once again is out go-to setup girl. She tries on a Brooklyn accent for her character, and completely flubs her first take because she’s apparently more worried about how the accent is coming out than her lines and the actual performance. Tim gave her the opportunity to drop it after the first take, but she stuck with it and it was definitely for the better. She’s like a machine; she maybe take a bit to get booted up in the first take, but by the second take, she’s running as smooth as can be.

    Christine went a different route, playing a more innocent and less sexually charged insane. It came off extremely well… until the end where she was supposed to scare Heath and sounded more-or-less like a Saturday morning cartoon villain. Ugh, damn it Chris you were this close! Her BFF in the house Gabby meanwhile, manages to absolutely destroy all comers on her first take, which left me pleasantly surprised. This is the best I’ve seen Gabby in any Director’s Challenge. Way to save your best stuff for the last leg.

    And then there’s Tai. She was flat-out all over the place in her first take. Yes, the character is crazy but there has to be a transition, there has to be. Tim reiterates exactly this to her after her first take, saying that she’s making to many choices that are disjointed from one-another. Her answer to this? A f’n crotch shot. That’s right, Tai just flashed her shit all over town like she was Sharon Stone or something.


    “…and lets face it Sid, your mother is no Sharon Stone!”



    Stand-Outs: Gabby, Jessica
    Face-Palms: Tai, Christine

  • THE AXE:
    All of the girls were called to the Grand Ballroom for the judgments that follow:

    Gabby was named Week 7’s Leading Lady, with Jessica's undefeated streak finally coming to an end as she settles for Runner-Up.

    Christine and Tai were this week’s Bottom 2 performers, and ultimately it was…


    Tai who got AXED. Round and round the house they went, as Tai tormented poor Gabby. The bitch, she thought it ‘twas all fun… POP! goes the ego.
Rankings after Week 7:
  1. Jessica (3-1-0; 7) 1.200
  2. Gabby (2-1-2; 4) .757 [previously 4th]
  3. Christine (0-1-2; 5) .571

  4. Tai (1-2-2; 5) .785
  5. Sierra (1-1-4; 2) .450
  6. Sarah (0-1-2; 3) .425
  7. Allison (0-1-2; 3) .425
  8. Karlie (0-0-1; 2) .200
  9. Rosanna (0-0-1; 1) .100
  10. Lana (0-0-0; 0) .000
[KEY: Wins—Immunities/Runner Ups—Bottom Two’s; Total Times Safe (no ballroom appearance/not up for elimination if called. Called for bad performance while holding immunity results in no TTS)
Power Percentage:
Total number of wins {1.0 for win, 0.5 for immunity/runner up} divided by weeks, plus 0.TTS (I.E. +0.7 for Jessica; 0.5 for Christine; 0.4 for Gabby]

Gabby finally comes to play and leapfrogs two spaces, though with the final week looming that pretty much means nothing. Though I must say, it is interesting that up until Tai, the Power Averages were right on par with the eliminations, and Tai’s elimination could be chalked up to necessity rather than overall performance within the competition. Not bad for an algorithm that took me all of 5 minutes to think up. So, the Final Three are set, and at the end of next week, one of them will be apart of one of the most abused dead-horses in the business. Everything they’ve been working for; all the uncooperative cauldrons, all the bricks thrown at their heads, all the maggots inadvertently swallowed, it was all to culminate to this. Next week, it’s Scream Queens 2—The Finals!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Scream Queens 2—Week 6


by XdarksparkX
Originally written: September 14, 2010
[Images courtesy of VH1.com]

Five shitty actresses have fallen, five suspect actresses remain… this week, the girls get a dose of handheld camera syndrome, as they more-or-less reenact scenes from Cloverfield and Paranormal Activity. It’s Scream Queens 2—Week Six!



WEEK 6:
  • SKILLS CHALLENGE:

    Back into the maw, we get a crudely rendered pre-visualization during the explanation of this weeks Skills Challenge. The reason for the pre-vis? Because for this Challenge, the girl’s co-star will be a big-ass green tarp. Yup, they’re doing a greenscreen’d monster scene this week.

    The scene setup is that their characters will be in the penthouse of a skyscraper, admiring a low flying plane (umm…bad taste? Maybe I just think that because the 8th anniversary of 9/11 just passed and the nationwide depression about it was just running rampant all over the educational channels) and looking at the people waaayyy down below. Suddenly, a giant T-Rex (aka The Cloverfield Monster / Mothera / Mecha-Streisand / whatever the hell they imagine) pops up out of nowhere and scares the living bejeesus out of them. Jaime makes sure the girls know that she wants this performance to be believable and real, because a giant-monster only making “boom” rumbling noises while romping around a populated cityscape without any sort of prior panic or destruction reaching the eyes or ears of the girl’s characters is a completely legitimate setup. Just saying, you want a performance to feel real, probably a better idea to give them a more ominous and logistical buildup.

    As far as the performances, well, Christine started out well enough, but after her initial reaction to the monster she just went into this weird wheezing fit. It was almost as if in her head the scene was done, but no one in reality is calling cut. Damn it Chris, why can you not get to the place where you’re as good as I know you can be? Jessica once again kicked ass, insert usual praise here. Gabby also surprisingly wasn’t bad, her set-up left something to be desired but her reaction to seeing Mecha-Streisand was dead on the button.

    You know, Tai was on a very thin line after last week. One of two things would happen this week, either she would repeat her performance in an attempt to pry the #1 spot away from Jessica, or she would fail epically after thinking that she is leading lady material without having to try. After watching her Skills Challenge performance, I’d have to say she’s starting to drift towards the latter. I think I’ll let Jessica’s reaction when watching her performance speak for itself.



    Sierra is trying to get in touch with her inner onion and show her “layers”. Yet, she still spits out a performance not vastly dissimilar to her previous ones, and still does her weird trademark “constantly cover your mouth” scream. Basically, she went from passable to crap in 6 seconds flat.

    Stand-Outs: Jessica, Gabby
    Face-Palms: Sierra, Tai

  • JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:

    The girl’s walk into Homa’s acting exercise for the week and he’s already pissed off. He’s staring daggers into each and every one of them, and has a pile of bricks by his side. This cannot end well.


    Ohhh shiiiiittt...

    He states that ever since the last elimination, he wakes up pissed off. He thinks of how stupid and easy it is to get knocked out of this competition, and how the girls are shooting themselves in the proverbial foot. He singles Christine out in particular, and then the HOMA RAGE really starts a-building when he says that he’s sick of seeing Sierra in the damn elimination room, so sick that he wants to vomit (lovely visual there, Homa). The HOMA RAGE then hits maximum capacity: “So when I came in today and saw this pile of bricks, the first thing he wanted to do was take one of these bricks and—” The RAGE overtakes him and he proceeds to HURL THE BRICK AT THE GIRLS. At the end of The Big Bad Wolf Massacre, there were six bricks thrown, and no survivors. The man they called Homa, has not been seen since. The case today, remains open…

    Okay, seriously, it’s revealed when the girls rightfully flip the fuck out and dive for cover that they notice the brick bounce around. Now that everyone has shit their pants, Homa reveals that it’s an obvious prop. Yeah, obvious now. He has emotionally scarred each and every one of these girls for life, they will have recurring nightmares every time they turn in a poor performance of Homa straight up hurling bricks at their heads with the intent to crack their skulls like a Faberge egg.

    Anyway, this week Homa’s lesson is about working with props. He reveals a various assortment of props such as shovels, pipes and fire axes, along with their real-life counterparts. He wants them to get a feel for the weight of the real one before picking up the much lighter prop version, so as to get a feel for how the prop could be realistically handled.

    Everyone did fine in this, and then Tai came up. I don’t know what she was thinking, but it wasn’t about a performance this week Tai, it was about believably handling a prop weapon. She gets up there with a fire axe and starts wailing away at the floor, completely forgetting about selling the weight property of the axe because it’s bouncing off the floor like a damn super-ball.

    Homa then paired them off and had them take turns hitting each other in the back with the various weapons and make the impact look believable. Gabby seemed to have the same problem as Tai during this, as she was too focused on “sneaking up behind” Jessica and “making faces” as Homa put it instead of just creeping up and wailing Jess in the back. Basically everyone except Jessica and Sierra had trouble overselling the weight of the object in question. However, they at least gave Homa what they wanted after he gave them notes, which is more than what could be said for Tai.

    If there was any doubt that Tai was falling into the trap of lackadaisical performances, it was burned with her epic failure when she went up with the purpose of hitting Christine in the back with a pipe. Homa didn’t pull punches after her first swing “Okay, the acting’s sucking because we’re worried too much about the hit.” So she tries again, and again makes a weird face which causes Homa to stop the scene mid-way through. She then tries again, and when she hits Christine, Chris doesn’t really carry the momentum realistically, which makes Tai completely quit on the scene and stand there with a “0_o” look on her face, completely forgetting that she has a lead pipe in her hands. It’s only when Homa says “TAI! C’mon!” that she realizes that she’s stopped selling the pipe and tries to correct it. Facepalm material at its finest, it seems that the “wonderful” Tai just got wrecked by the reality check train.

    Stand-Outs: N/A
    Face-Palms: Tai

  • DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:

    Paranormal Activity ain’t got nothing on this week
    s Director’s Challenge! No, but seriously, this weeks DC has the girls dealing with a vengeful spirit. The setup is that the girls are painting a piece of furniture in the attic of their new home. As they’re painting, the paint can is yanked from their hand by an unknown force, before an otherworldly struggle ensues. This is to climax in the finale, where the girls are flung across the attic by the entity via Matrix inspired wire-work. The main thing in this that the girls probably don’t realize is they’re technically crafting two performances, their own and the demon entity that’s attacking them.

    I think they keep putting Jessica first because they know that she will set a great bar for the rest of the girls. While she didn’t disappoint, I felt as though her entity didn’t have an intent with its movements. It just seemed all over the place, which made it hard to get a feel for where it was.

    Christine. You know, she’s been my dark horse in this competition for a reason. I know that there are strokes of brilliance in her performances, but they can never get culled together to form a masterpiece. Well, after distancing herself from the other girls when they received their scripts the night before and mapping out her performance, I can finally say that Christine has fulfilled the potential I knew she always had. She was absolutely fantastic, it was easily the best performance in a Directors Challenge—strike that, it was one of the best performances I’ve seen period. She chose to have her ghost attempt to drag her in one direction, and the body control she exhibited made this intent and movement believable without a shadow of a doubt. The thing about Chris’s performance that really made it stand out to me is that she—either purposefully or unknowingly—gave her ghost an intent. Near the end of the scene, she had it “drag” her in the same direction she flies off in, almost as if it wanted to get her over there for some reason. This in turn gives the viewer a much more vivid idea as to where the specter actually is in relation to the victim character. It was something so subtle, but yet so perfect and so ingenious.

    It became obvious that no one would top that performance, but the two performances that followed it weren’t even “passable”. Sierra comically flopped around like she was either a fish on a boat deck, or being attacked by the evil tickle monster. I shall let the sound guy’s expression say the rest for me.



    Tai meanwhile, went three-for-three in epic failures. There was no intent, just a bunch of falling down and screaming, followed by a comical “kung-fu” pose as she flew through the sky. Well, at least the Wachowski Brothers would be proud.

    Stand-Outs: Christine
    Face-Palms: Tai, Sierra

  • THE AXE:
    Those called to the Grand Ballroom for judgment were as follows:

    Jessica was named Week 6’s Leading Lady, with Christine finally snatching the Runner-Up spot.

    Sierra and Tai were this week’s Bottom 2 performers, and ultimately it was (in a split decision for the first time)…


    Sierra who got AXED. I actually have nothing snarky to say this week. Looking back, she completely blew my expectations away from what I expected from her after her first performances. For that, I have to commend her. It proved to me that she has the drive to improve herself, and understand her weaknesses. Not to mention, as the youngest actress in this competition at 22, I think she could actually become a formidable actress some day if she keeps up the drive to better herself that she gained here. I honestly wish her all the best.

Rankings after Week 6:
  1. Jessica (3-0-0; 6) 1.100
  2. Tai (1-2-1; 5) .833
  3. Christine (0-2-1; 5) .667 [previously 4th]
  4. Gabby (1-1-2; 3) .550

  5. Sierra (1-1-3; 2) .450
  6. Sarah (0-1-1; 3) .425
  7. Allison (0-1-1; 3) .425
  8. Karlie (0-0-1; 2) .200
  9. Rosanna (0-0-1; 1) .100
  10. Lana (0-0-0; 0) .000

[KEY: Wins—Immunities/Runner Ups—Bottom Two’s; Total Times Safe (no ballroom appearance/not up for elimination if called. Called for bad performance while holding immunity results in no TTS)
Power Average:
Total number of wins {1.0 for win, 0.5 for immunity/runner up} divided by weeks, plus 0.TTS (I.E. +0.6 for Jessica; 0.5 for Tai, Christine; 0.3 for Gabby]

Gabby finally falls to her rightful place as Christine leapfrogs her thanks to her epic performance in the Director’s Challenge. Jessica meanwhile has actually managed to eclipse 1.000, because she’s apparently just that freakishly good. To be honest, I’m surprised that my RSAs (Random Statistical Algorithms) actually reflect the happenings on the show rather accurately. Shame that we’re getting to the point where they will eventually be useless. Oh RSAs, we hardly knew ye.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Stark Ranting Mad: Beast Legends


by XdarksparkX
Originally Written: September 11, 2010

What happens when you take Deadliest Warrior’s bullshit pseudo-science and mix it with the cryptozoology half of Destination Truth? Apparently a shit storm broadcasted on SyFy by the name of “Beast Legends.”

The only reason I gave this show a try was because Destination Truth moved to a new night and I happened to habitually record two hours due to Ghost Hunters being DT’s old lead in. However, in hindsight I should’ve suspected something was up when I noticed that the promos for Beast Legends were extremely vague when it came to actually describing what the show is about.


So what is the show about, you ask? It was the first question that naturally kept ricocheting in my brain as I watched the opening credits. Apparently an art geek, computer nerd, and three so called “experts” get together, do “research” on animals similar to the legendary beast of the week, and “build” a computer rendering and mini movie with the creature they have “created”. THAT’S IT. Think of it as Build-A-Bear with mythical creatures, because that’s pretty much all they do. They take the “best” or “coolest” features of real-life animals and slap them together to create a pseudo-realistic Frankensteined version of the creature in question.


Now, what’s interesting is that some of these people have legitimate credentials (the black guy, Scott Edwards, is a f’n Professor of Organic and Evolutionary Biology at Harvard for crying out loud), which makes me wonder how in
the blue hell they couldn’t see that this show is obviously just an overly anal-retentive way to make a damn movie-monster. I mean, lets face it, none of the creatures exist, so why the hell are we arguing about whether or not we can put “protective scales” on the Kraken—IT DOESN’T EXIST. Even if I’m wrong and it does exist somewhere, would the first thing you notice be that a 200-foot long Octopi-Squid hybrid has are scales!? The worst part about this, is that the “experts” are constantly like “let’s keep this grounded in reality.” HEY, DUMBASS! A 200 foot cephalopod isn’t grounded in reality to begin with, that’s why it’s a mythical fucking creature! That’s like saying “Star Wars shouldn’t have explosions in space, there’s no oxygen in our space” even though the films clearly state the story takes place “in a galaxy far, far away”!

As if the show wasn’t facepalm worthy enough, some genius decided that during certain parts of the footage when they’re out gathering their research they should put an animated CGI render of the creature in question off in the background. I’m sorry, is this supposed to suspend our disbelief? Are we supposed to buy that the poorly rendered tentacles off in the distance is actually the “real” Kraken? What they were going for here doesn’t make sense, because the render is so unbelievably bad no one in there right mind would think it’s real. It’s even worse when they have it off in the distance and make a loud splash, only for one of the team members to turn and look off in that direction. Ugghhh, you have got to be shitting me.


Know what, that’s not even the worst part of the show. No, the worst part is that when they find out that the Colossal Squid actually has little pivoting hooks on its tentacles in addition to the Giant Squid’s serrated suckers. Not content with just adding them on, the “concept artist” and Indiana Jones wannabe have to actually make these hooks to the scale they would be on their Kraken. So they head—where else—to a Hollywood prop shop to make these hooks. After time lapsed construction they finish them and decide to test them out. They use a barrel to simulate a ship’s hull, and start bashing the hell out of it. Needless to say, their craftsmanship blows harder than a Sperm Whale, and they barely manage to so much as chip the barrel. They then try to justify their shitty workmanship by saying that the hooks wouldn’t be enough to pierce the ship’s hull, but the Kraken would use them to latch on and let it’s sheer weight bring the boat down. Or guys, maybe you built the spikes to goddamn wide, with too much of a dramatic grade in the curvature, hence why it can barely scratch a goddamn barrel.


In it’s grand finale, these guys—for some unbelievably stupid reason—scout a location for where their Kraken could live. How many times do I have to say this, it’s not real! Why the hell do you need a location if you’re just going to make some 5 minute cinematic? You render the water, you put a boat model in it, Kraken owns said boat, the end. Where does the location have any significance what so ever? It’s like they knew they had to find a way to burn more money. Absolutely ridiculous.


Know what’s funny? I don’t even think the people involved in this show know what its supposed to be. The comic book/concept artist kept pushing for the damn “armor scales”, while we’ve got everyone else saying “stick to reality man!” It’s like the show itself is confused. All they do is build mythical creatures, so is it a conceptual art show? Yet, they actually study real-life animals behaviors and physiology, so is it a science show? Wait, they are technically doing all of this in the name of a creature that doesn’t exist, so is it a cryptozoology show? The CGI mixed in with the reality footage is unbelievably goofy, so is this a behind-the-scene’s look at the new SyFy Original Shitfest’s that are scheduled to come out? You know what, I think the answer to this mystery is one I’m content with leaving unsolved.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Scream Queens 2—Week 5


by XdarksparkX
Originally written: August 31, 2010
[Images courtesy of VH1.com]

Four shitty actresses have fallen, six suspect actresses remain… this week, the girls find out what its like die and come back 28 Days Later in an all-female Horror-Spaghetti Western. It’s Scream Queens 2—Week Five!



WEEK 5:
  • SKILLS CHALLENGE:

    So this week, the girls will be playing zombies in the Skills Challenge. They will be bolted into a coffin where they will have to Falcon Punch their way out, before making their way to the mark where squibs (small explosive blood bags attached to the girl’s outfits) will go off, emulating getting shot to death… or “re-death” I suppose. Jaime also reveals that from here on out there will be no immunity granted to the winner of the Skills Challenge, which basically makes the Skills Challenge worthless in the sense of the competition, and now only exists for the lulz it will inevitably produce.

    During Jessica’s performance, Sierra sounds almost amazed that the squibs were not only loud, but made it look like she actually got shot. Hmm, maybe that’s because that’s the point? Speaking of Jessica, she was once again one of the solid performances, though she did play it a little safe by going with the stereotypical “brain nommer” choice for a zombie. Tai meanwhile is talking all kinds of shit about everyone else’s performances, saying “some of the girls were trying to be serious, but it just came off as comedic.” Well, that’s part of what camp is, Tai. I mean, have you not seen clips of the 1960s Batman show? Dictionary.com defines the term campy as “consciously artificial, exaggerated, vulgar, or mannered; self-parodying, esp. when in dubious taste.” Usually in movies, it’s shit that the characters take seriously that is absolutely ridiculous to the audience. If only she wasn’t actually good during her performance, I could’ve reamed her out some more… damn it.

    Anyway, Sarah decides that she needs a “bold choice” in order to stand out, apparently not realizing that the last time someone purposely tried to stand out it was Karlie, and she was axed for making batshit insane choices in the name of “standing out”. So Sarah punches out of the coffin, and proceeds to act like she’s the long lost rocker-chick of Wayne’s World. No… just, no. The look of repulsion on Jaime’s face when she witnesses this is just pure gold, it was like someone just shoved the festering carcass of a skunk up her nose.


    What the--EEEEWWWWW!

    Biggest face palm of the challenge is once again courtesy of Gabby, who is once again too focused on where she’s supposed to be than her actual performance. She gazes off into space with a vacant look on her face, looking down every two steps to see where her mark is, blatantly waiting for the squib to go off as she shuffles closer to it. (heavy sigh) It’s really not even worth commenting on.

    Stand-Outs: Jessica, Tai
    Face-Palms: Sarah, Gabby

  • JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:

    The lesson the Supreme Tri-Mage Jedi Master known as John Homa will teach the girls this week is improv comedy. He’s requested the assistance of Joe Wengert of Upright Citizens Brigade, basically saying that he knows this is going to be a train wreck and needs someone versed in improv there to keep him sane. He warns the girls that comedy is hard… well, it’s hard for unfunny people Homa. For naturally funny people, it couldn’t be easier, but we’re not dealing with people who can be naturally funny, are we?

    The set up is that all of the sketches will take place in a world where monsters not only exist, but are integrated into society, so that humans have to deal with them everyday. Tai and Christine are up first, and the situation is that Christine is to be Frankenstein, and Tai being the officer writing him up a ticket for illegal parking. Chris really got the sent up shits creek without a paddle, I mean the Frankenstein (“It’s pronounced ‘Frahnkensteen’” sorry, Gene Wilder’s genius on the brain) monster has so little in the way of character, I found it hard to think up something funny that would be considered acceptable behavior in the “real world”. Naturally, she does what pretty much anyone would do, she plays it off like how the classic monster she knows would act. However, Joe makes the point of “when you get a ticket, what do you do? Since this is a world where Frankenstein monsters can go to jail, you obviously can’t push her or anything.” After they give Chris notes, they reverse roles and Tai naturally gets praise and thinks that she’s just amazing for playing it so much better than Chris. Get the hell off your high horse Tai, they told you exactly what they wanted. Congratulations, you are able to do well when someone else before you tries and gets notes on what they did wrong. Don’t break your damn arm patting yourself on the back.

    Gabby is laughing, completely embarrassed at what she’s doing and obviously afraid to actually commit to it. If you embarrass easily, how the hell do you expect to be an actress? You’re constantly putting yourself out there and doing embarrassing things, I mean are you going to burst out laughing if you have to talk or interact with a CG character that will be added in post-production? Not like her partner Sarah was any better, she sounded more like a damn chicken or a Chihuahua than the werewolf she was supposed to be. Homa even calls her on it, “Growl! You’re a werewolf, not a chicken!”

    Stand-Outs:
    Face-Palms: Gabby, Sarah

  • DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:

    For this Director’s Challenge, they’re amping things up. This time they will be shooting on the Western backlot at Universal Studios Hollywood, which is pretty bad ass if you ask me. However, the real important difference for this challenge is that all of the girls will be playing different parts, as opposed to each girl playing the same character like in previous challenges.

    The weak ass storyline for this one is two outlaw vampire cowgirls (Christine and Sarah) roll into the town of Undeadwood (haw haw, i c wut u did thar!), which is already home to a Vampire posse (Tai, Jessica, Gabby and Sierra) who will not have some random folk coming in and holding dey turf! Tai is extremely happy because she got Betty, the leader of the posse and a character who “likes to control the situation and people, much like myself.” [breaks out the novelty rubber stamps, stamps screen:] BITCH.

    Christine thinks she can own her role, especially after she gets into full costume with the fangs and what not. She “feels bad-ass.” Too bad that on the first shot of the day (her and Sarah’s arrival to Undeadwood) she comes off completely flat. No, don’t fall apart now Chris. Tai is in the background running her damn mouth again, saying that Christine couldn’t scare a butterfly. Umm, have you ever tried scaring a butterfly Tai? If it’s asleep, it’s not that easy. Chris I felt eventually got that cold indifference in her voice after a few takes, but apparently everyone else thought otherwise. It didn’t help that she was botching lines and attempting to act tough by spitting after her line via Tim’s suggestion.

    Sarah even has the balls to knock Christine, yet when it was her turn to shine in a scene where Gabby is dunking her repeatedly into a water trough, the dumb broad starts coughing and saying she needs a minute because she swallowed the water. Protip Sarah: do not inhale the water. Instead, keep mouth and nose closed until resurface. Speaking of Gabby, she’s still caught in the web of filmmaking technicality, and worrying to much about it instead of committing herself not only to the moment, but to the character and its emotions. Her scene where she recites the line “no one messes with my dinnah!” before looking at the bottle next to her, bringing it up, and then smashing it down was just so robotic and scripted, it was laughable. There was no true emotion, she recited the line, she smashed the bottle, the end. She was ecstatic when Tim said “excellent” after her final take, completely ignorant of the fact that he probably meant “that was excellent compared to your last three shitty takes.”

    I would say something about Tai, but her “holier-than-thou” attitude is just really grinding my gears, to the point where I find it hard to give her legitimate credit for anything she does well because its compounded by her confessional where she thinks she’s acting’s gift to this competition. So I’ll just say that she was good and move on. Jessica was also good (as usual) and took Tim’s direction extremely well.

    Stand-Outs: Jessica, Tai
    Face-Palms: Sarah, Gabby

  • THE AXE:
    Those called to the Grand Ballroom for judgment were as follows:

    Tai was named Week 5’s Leading Lady (great, so she can hop back on her Horse and ride off into the sunset with Dudley Do-Right), no one got Runner-Up this week.

    Christine, Sierra, Sarah and Gabby were this week’s Bottom Four performers (holy hell!), and ultimately it was…


    Sarah, Ms. “Sha-ca-go Ma-dol”, who got AXED. Think of the bright side Sarah, not only do you get to go home and see your daughter, but you’ve furthered your modeling career by winning the most bullshit challenge on the show.

Rankings after Week 5:
  1. Jessica (2-0-0; 5) .900
  2. Tai (1-2-0; 5) .900
  3. Gabby (1-1-2; 2) .500
  4. Sierra (1-1-3; 2) .500
  5. Christine (0-1-1; 4) .500

  6. Sarah (0-1-1; 3) .425
  7. Allison (0-1-1; 3) .425
  8. Karlie (0-0-1; 2) .200
  9. Rosanna (0-0-1; 1) .100
  10. Lana (0-0-0; 0) .000

[KEY: Wins—Immunities/Runner Ups—Bottom Two’s; Total Times Safe (no ballroom appearance/not up for elimination if called. Called for bad performance while holding immunity results in no TTS)
Power Average:
Total number of wins {1.0 for win, 0.5 for immunity/runner up} divided by weeks, plus 0.TTS (I.E. +0.5 for Tai, Jessica; 0.4 for Christine, 0.2 for Gabby, Sierra]

Obviously there were no movers this week since we had four freaking people in the basement. That coupled with the elimination of immunity doesn’t screw up my random statistical algorithms, not at all (grrr…). To be honest, this week was painfully predictable. Sarah’s time was numbered for a few weeks now, and her inhaling of the water pretty much just sealed her inevitable fate. Gabby still is tragically inconsistent, and could possibly be a mainstay in the basement if she doesn’t get her shit together. It will be interesting to see how Tai follows up her best week ever next week. Did we witness the signs of a surge by the runner-up, or was it merely a one-hit wonder week that will have her struggling to repeat? Only time will tell…

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Scream Queens 2—Week 4


by XdarksparkX
Originally written:
August 24, 2010

[Images courtesy of VH1.com]

Three shitty actresses have fallen, seven suspect actresses remain… this week, we find out who can slut it up better than the rest. It’s Scream Queens 2—Week Four!


WEEK 4:
  • SKILLS CHALLENGE:

    The girl’s walk into this Skills Challenge only to be met by Jaime and Debbie Rochon, proverbial 90s scream queen and producer of Fangoria Magazine. It is here that it’s revealed that this isn’t an actual skills competition, it’s a goddamn modeling shoot, with the winner not only gaining immunity, but a photo spread in Fangoria. Jaime, bless her heart, tries once again to up-sell just how important this challenge is, like it a “skill” that’s extremely critical if these girls want to become a true Scream Queen. Okay, seriously, when has any legit scream queen had to pose for the cover of a movie like this? No, seriously. I dare you to go on IMDb and find me at least 10 well known horror films that have shots where the Scream Queens modeling prowess was critical in helping sell the film. While you’re at it, why don’t you send a unicorn-riding leprechaun my way. Much obliged.

    I will say this, at least they learned from their epic mistake last season. Last season they had a similar challenge, only they made it the Director’s Challenge. James Gunn would later state in an interview that it was his least favorite part about working on the show, since it’s really not what he does and he has no legit experience or expertise in the matter.


    Anyway, there’s really not much to say about this Challenge, there’s such minimal acting involved that it would be pointless to go over this. Allison bawws because she gets the role of the mother of a possessed child, and therefore her outfit isn’t slutty enough to her standards. “How am I supposed to be sexy in this blue potato sack” she croons. Well Allison, there’s actually a difference between “sexy” and “they call you 7-11 cause you’re open 24/7 slutty”, though you obviously think otherwise. In the end, Sarah ends up winning immunity (no, really!? The girl who said that she got into modeling first and then decided to pick up acting won the modeling challenge? Get outta town!) and that’s pretty much that.


    Stand-Outs:
    Acting talent? Where?
    Face-Palms:
    The challenge itself.

  • JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:

    So at the end of the America’s Next Top Model Challenge, Jaime reveals that two of the girls are going to be changed. She points out Christine, basically because her superficial quotient was far too low for an aspiring Hollywood actress. She reveals that they are going to give both her and Sierra makeovers. They mainly did this to purely mess with Christine, who was freaking out about them trying to give her one of those ugly-ass pixie haircuts. In the end, they basically just styled Chris’s hair, and hacked most of Sierra’s off into a bob (the true lolz that this produced will come in a minute).

    So the girls have their weekly training session with Homi-Wan Kenobi, and he makes a mention of both girls new looks, but he really notices just how much of Sierra’s hair they sliced off. Sierra then goes into how much of a compliment it is for Homa to say that, how he’s so powerful and talented and… how flustered she gets just thinking about it now. Oh jeez, she’s crushing on Homa more than Molly Ringwald was crushing on Judd Nelson at the end of The Breakfast Club.


    Anyway, Homa introduces them to the random bar he’s set up (with these nits as your students, hitting the sauce is completely legit; take as many shots as you need to, man) and tells them that since this week is all about being sexy, they have to seductively make a margarita in order to seduce… him. Abusing the power, eh John? Do we expect any less from a demigod? No, we do not. Most of the girls are pretty grossed out by the prospect of seducing Homa, mainly because they attached him to this image of a quasi-father figure or something. Oh pshaw ladies, have we not versed ourselves in Greek mythology? Apparently Sierra already has, because she says—and I quote, “when I first heard we were seducing John I was like ‘ohh, my dream’s come true.’” Know what’s really disturbing? Right when she said that, I got a picture in my head of her slowly climbing on top of Homa, with the Disney song “A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes” playing in the background. (Disturbed shudder)


    Pretty much, none of them can take this challenge seriously. They all get up to the bar, and they all in one form or another botch a step in the mixing or burst out laughing, usually some form of both. There were two exceptions though. The first was Gabby, who basically stared Homa down like she wanted to tar and feather him in the town square. The second was Sarah, who pretty much cheated and had Homa lick some of the alcohol off of her finger, which pretty much sent most of the girls into an “Oh My Jesus” freak out.


    So after that fail-fest, Homa says that they were all pretending to be sexy, and he needs them to understand what hot looks like when you’re not trying to “play” hot, because whenever you try to play it, it looks wrong. It’s not about the slutty-ness of it, but more about the sensuality of it; the subtly of it without being so “OMG aren’t I just so sexxxay!?” The key move he teaches all of them is a slow clearing of the hair from one side of their face with the opposite hand (A move that Sierra can’t do anymore, because she doesn’t have the hair length for it! Cue teh lolz! Disappointed that it wasn’t funnier? Yeah, well… such is life). Not even the mighty Homa knows why this stupid move is hot, he just knows that damn it, it is.


    So in the end, Homa yells at Allison “RELAX YOUR FACE!”, says “Bam!” when Christine gets what he was talking about dead on, and pretty much kicks ass as only Homa can. The girls, well they more-or-less hit what he was trying to get them to go for, so I guess that’s good.


    Stand-Outs:
    N/A
    Face-Palms:
    N/A

  • DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:

    For this Director’s Challenge the girls will have a unique co-star, a massive python named Bruce. Of course, Tai is deathly afraid of snakes and is pretty much flipping out at this point. The plot pretty much rips off the scene in From Dusk Till Dawn when Salma Hayek comes out and does her little striptease with a snake before trying to bite Quentin Tarantino’s face off. Only difference is that there’s only one person in the club, and that our girls are supposed to be part snake instead of a vampire. 21st century originality at it's finest!

    Bru Mueller plays the patron, so basically he’s got the job of sitting on his ass, delivering BS lines and watching seven girls put on their best “bimbo” for him. Lucky bastard.

    As far as the standouts go, Jessica was once again really damn good. She required minimal direction and is still very much holding her own this far into the game. Sierra, Christine and Sarah also seemed to do well from the sparse clips they showed of their performances. Credit also has to be handed to Tai, because even though she was freaking out about the prospect of working with the snake, you would never tell by her on-set demeanor. True professionalism at its finest.

    And as for the failures, well Allison thought that she was just going to rock this Director’s Challenge (yeah, the same way she rocked last week’s skills challenge… oops). However, she subsequently does the same bug-eyed thing Jaime told her to watch last week, and fails to live up to her yapping on a scale of epic proportions.

    Meanwhile, Gabby once again managed to not listen to direction. Tim kept saying “wait for the front lights to come on, not the back light” and yet—like the sun rising in the east—Gabby would start moving when the back light hit. She then proceeded to deliver her line about giving Bru “all the attention he deserves” while sitting in the chair at the other end of the stage not looking at him, instead of at the pole while facing him where the mark is designated. Un-freaking-believable, this girl couldn’t hit a mark if it was a dartboard painted on an elephant
    s ass. How is she still here again?

    Stand-Outs: Jessica
    Face-Palms: Gabby, Allison

  • THE AXE:
    Those called to the Grand Ballroom for judgment were as follows:

    Jessica was named Week 4’s Leading Lady, with no one getting the Runner-Up spot apparently.

    Allison and Gabby were this week’s Bottom 2 performers, and ultimately it was…


    Allison, Ms. All Talk/No Result, who got AXED. The eyes killed you Ali, and that’s probably why you were cast as a vacant shadow to promote Apple's product.
Rankings after Week 4:
  1. Jessica (2-0-0; 4) .900
  2. Tai (0-2-0; 4) .650
  3. Gabby (1-1-1; 2) .575
  4. Sierra (1-1-2; 2) .575 [previously 6th]
  5. Christine (0-1-0; 4) .525
  6. Sarah (0-1-1; 3) .425

  7. Allison (0-1-1; 3) .425
  8. Karlie (0-0-1; 2) .200
  9. Rosanna (0-0-1; 1) .100
  10. Lana (0-0-0; 0) .000
[KEY: Wins—Immunities/Runner Ups—Bottom Two’s; Total Times Safe (no ballroom appearance/not up for elimination if called. Called for bad performance while holding immunity results in no TTS)
Power Average:

Total number of wins {1.0 for win, 0.5 for immunity/runner up} divided by weeks, plus 0.TTS (I.E. +0.4 for Christine, Tai, Jessica; 0.3 for Sarah; 0.2 for
Gabby, Sierra]

So the hierarchy stays more-or-less the same after Week 4; the top three are still intact even with Gabby’s dreadful Director’s Challenge performance. The biggest mover is obviously Sierra, who two weeks ago was scraping the bottom of the barrel hoping to find a miracle. I guess there was something in that old barrel after all. And even though she’s closer to the bottom now than before, my dark horse Christine is still hanging in there with a great percentage. If only she could win a challenge (or better yet, a challenge and immunity), she would leapfrog at least two spots with ease.

As a final note, I’m sure it would be easy to declare Jessica the far and away winner right here, since she’s won 2 of the 4 weeks now. However, one must remember that out of the eight weeks, last years winner Tanedra only won Leading Lady
once, scored immunity twice, and was in the bottom two on Week Seven. We’ve only reached the half way point—there’s still plenty of time for the mighty to fall…