SAW 3D: What Became Of The 2010 "Scream Queen"?

So two months ago I finally got around to watching SAW 3D (aka The Final Chapter) thanks to an EPIX weekend-long channel preview on FiOS. The main thing I wanted to see was the type of role Gabrielle West—winner of the second season of Scream Queens in which the grand prize landed her the role—had in the film, since they actually gave the previous winner a pretty intriguing side-character. So, lets see the role that Gabby secured.

WARNING: Gratuitous Over-The-Top Violence Ahead



…That’s it? You trained her up, you spouted all this bullshit about “how versatile of an actor you have to be to win this competition” and THAT’S what she does? Scream, cry and plead before her head gets a permanent tread-mark run through it? Are you serious?


“…What a fucking waste of my goddamn time.”

The killer is, not only did the original SQ winner Tanedra Howard do more in her first appearance in the series, she makes a recurring appearance in the VERY NEXT scene. That’s… that’s just laughable! Tanedra has more to do in this film than Gabby West! Breakout role my ass, Gabby just became Saw cannon fodder.

To me, I almost feel like this is a statement on how the judges overrated Gabby on the show. I mean, lets be honest, you couldn’t exactly cast Jessica Ortiz as the girlfriend of a skinhead, but I don’t get why they weren’t competing for the role of Sydney, who’s at the Jigsaw Trap Survivor Support Group in the same scene immediately after Gabby’s that Tanedra makes her appearance in.



That was a small role that required everything Homa had trained the girls on, and could’ve very well been considered a small breakout role. I also think it would’ve been a clever little wink to the fans of the show to have Tanedra and Gabby’s characters interact with each other, especially given the fact that Tanedra’s character calls Sydney right out on the carpet for not truly having to sacrifice anything in order to escape her trap. A character who has to recount the trap she had endured, complete with short flashback, seems like it should’ve been the most obvious choice for the role of the second VH1 Scream Queen. Nope, instead what I joked would happen with Tanedra happens in the second go-round with Gabby—pure body count ammunition.

Perhaps Tanedra, and her prominence in this film, is the reason I find this so funny. I said (many times) in my coverage of SQ2 that Gabby was terribly overrated by the judges, and that she really had a hard time quickly channeling the required emotions while also being on top of the technical aspects of the scene. Perhaps the filmmakers of Saw 3D picked up on this as well and as such gave her such a terribly weak role when they made sure to give the winner of the first SQ a follow up role. It just seems like a complete and total waste of the time of everyone involved with SQ2 to give the winner of the competition such a throw-away role. What a damn shame.

Who Greenlit This Shit? Edition II - "Final Destination 5"

by XdarksparkX
Originally Written: August 7th, 2011

Normally I don’t completely rip into a movie and call it a complete waste of time before it’s released unless drastic measures call for it. However, I’ve been having these thoughts about the Final Destination series as a whole for a few years now, and after watching the trailer for Final Destination 5 for the third time, I think I’m finally able to construct my thoughts into more than just nonsensical expressions and gestures of rage:

Without seeing a single frame of the final cut, I know for a fact that this film will be complete crap.

The Final Destination series has been on the down and out since the first sequel was released back in 2003. FD2 was okay for a sequel, but the filmmakers completely missed the essence of what made the original FD an awesome film. The fact that through logic, Alex was able to figure out a pattern of the order the people who got off the plane could die in, and that when he inevitably failed to save most of them from the grim fates that befell them, there was very little in the way of supernatural instigation—most of the deaths were a freak one-off deal that was sometimes over emphasized (Ms. Lewton’s death) to show that no one, Alex or other, had any actual control over the events. No one ever stated that Alex’s pattern was definite fact, it was merely his own cockamamie theory that just happened to come true at every turn—it only became accepted because it continually turned out to be right.

With the subsequent sequels, something changed. Gone was the creative drive that powered the first film, instead it became a part of the infamous Hollywood cash cow. Everything taken in the first suddenly became the considered “rules” for the series, making it terribly trite and predictable. Just look at the grandiose opening “accidents”, which became a staple of the series. In the original, Alex had a dream about a horrible accident taking place where the plane he was on took off and suddenly exploded. Not only does this work because he falls asleep when he gets on the plane (an arguable point of how he fell asleep that quickly, but still it’s a much more valid setup that what succeeded it), but they had previously established that he has a terrible fear of flying. This is why the “premonition” made perfect sense in FD1—it could’ve been real, it could’ve been his overactive phobia tainting his imagination, but the second that plane bursts into flames after Alex and friends get kicked off the plane, it becomes invaluable knowledge to the survivors that cannot be argued.

With the subsequent films that followed, the filmmakers literally just pick a random point where they can switch to the “premonition state” under the table without the audience knowing. Then, after the overdone gruesome “accident” (which starts to become laughable when you realize that they need to have to visionary die last in the premonition, in order to be able to tell the other survivors the “predetermined order” that they will die in), they do that “super zoom out of the eye” shot back to the aforementioned random point just before the “accident.” No dream, no nothing… these people are literally touched by a random bout of psychic powers for absolutely no reason what-so-ever. It begs the question, if Death is just going to get pissy when it‘s over-elaborate plans are thwarted, why doesn’t it just flip the script and kill the person who HAD the premonition first? Good luck finding out if anything’s amiss now!

You may have noticed that when referring to the opening deaths, I refer to them as ‘accidents’ with intentional quotes around the word. This is because the events that begin the first act in the subsequent sequels aren’t so much believable accidents as much as they are nonsensical apparatuses with as much over-complication as a classic Rube Goldberg device. These aren’t accidents, these are the events that unfold when some vague metaphysical force plays a game of goddamn Mouse Trap. I let FD2 off the hook slightly in this, as the human control of a motor vehicle allows a margin of error in judgment and reaction time to make that accident an actual… well, accident. However, from 3 onward, the opening scenes are so unbelievably convoluted, all while attempting to achieve the simplest means—death.

I don’t even know if I should really get into the logical fallacies of the latter opening sequences; I could easily write a 20 page diatribe about how the Roller Coaster accident in FD3 was complete bullshit that goes against every single law of basic coaster design mechanics, but I won’t. Just for shits and giggles though, here’s a list off the top of my head of logical and mechanical failures from that sequence:

• The Devil’s Flight’s shoulder restraints bounce up and down when released. Any coaster that EVER did this would not pass State Certification for Amusement Ride Operation.
  
• There is no backup restraint for the shoulder harnesses. No seatbelt, no belt that attaches to the harnesses, nothing. When that one valve fails, everything goes to hell. On every modern coaster there is always a failsafe on the restraints, even if that means doubling up the exact same mechanism so that if one fails, the other is the backup. The odds of both of them failing is astronomical. Not to mention, that one valve apparently held the restraints for the ENTIRE train. Nope. The trains are locked usually by car, but sometimes in sections depending on the maker. Either way, one failure like what was shown would not cause the entire train’s restraints to unlock.
  
• We are to believe that a camera, dropped by a foolish rider, wrapped around the track and was the leading cause for wrecking the train’s wheel assembly. HA! Are you kidding? That camera would’ve been absolutely wrecked—the worst thing that would happen is the train would lose momentum and valley (stall) at a low point where it lacks the inertia to climb the hill in front of it. Those wheels are attached to a train that weighs a probable ton without inertia or riders—fully operating, it would chew that camera up with barely the bat of an eyelash.
  
• Speaking of the wheels, there are three wheels on a coaster car’s wheel assemblies: the road wheel (rides on top of the track), guide wheel (rides on the side of the track), and up-stock wheel (rides underneath the track). In the film, these wheels and their specific states fluctuate randomly depending on what the scene called for. For instance, the remains of the coaster train goes into the loop and stalls at the top; flipped upside down. This means that the up-stock wheels are still intact, if they weren’t the train would’ve fallen once it lost enough momentum and crashed into the track below. However, the train instead rolls back and hits a piece of track that had been completely jarred out of place (don’t get me started on how this happened), before the suddenly halted momentum causes the front end of the train to fly completely off the rails and spiral towards the ground.
  
• As more of a side note, the Ride Operators are possibly the most idiotic people to ever walk the face of the Earth. After Wendy flips out they let her and the rest of her section get off, however both her boyfriend (my boy Jesse Moss) and Ryan Merriman’s girlfriend (Carrie) are in the front row and therefore still locked in their seats. (Wait, so they unlock sections of the train at the loading platform, but that one valve controls the entire train’s locking mechanism!? WHAT THE FUCK!?) Then, when Jesse’s character and Carrie are looking the Attendant dead in the eye asking to be let out, they get completely ignored and the guy says to the operator “you’re all clear! Start the ride!” NO. NO, NO, NO! If someone asks to get off, and are legitimately serious and not messing around, YOU HAVE TO LET THEM OUT. All of those Ops should have never been anywhere near an operator’s panel or ride attendant job position.
  

There are MANY more points that I could dissect if I actually took the time to look the scene up and wasn’t going from purely from memory of the big points that stuck out, but the point is made just the same. To sum up, they might as well have had someone get thrown in front of the car, and then attempt to avoid being hit by doing a Scooby-Doo esque “spinning of the wheels” startup before running in front of it within the same vein as a Looney Tunes cartoon. THAT would’ve been within the realm of reality they were working in.

…Does it show that I was a Ride Operator at Six Flags for three years?

Now, I’ve heard fan boys of the series attempt to proclaim “it’s only a movie” when I’ve brought these points up, but to argue that point is to completely whiff on the purpose of the series and it’s brand of horror/suspense. If I as a viewer am fully and completely conscious of the fact that I’m just watching bland characters die in ridiculous ways, then the entire existence of the movie within the guise of being apart of the Horror genre is pointless. I don’t think about how dangerous the objects we use every day without a second thought are, but rather I spend my time laughing at the fact that they expect me to buy into this with any legitimate emotional investment.

And the openings only got worse from there.

FD4’s tries to make us believe that stock car raceways only have rusted chain-link fencing between the track and the spectators, along with serious cracks and fractures in the seating area at a point of primary structural support. FD5 then attempts to make us believe a suspension bridge has COMPLETELY failed and caused the roadway it holds up to crumble like a soggy Oreo cookie. The openings became more about Michael Bay inspired “insipid flashiness” than about logistical and psychological horror.

At least in the FD5 trailer, it seems like they don’t just randomly come across the information of a similarly crazy incident where people survived because someone predicted it minutes beforehand on the internet or something like previous films (who thinks to Google that anyway?) Instead, the cryptic coroner of the series named “Bludworth” (Tony Todd) is at the site of the mass funeral for those who died on the bridge and says to the protagonist and co. that he’s seen this before: the freak accident, the random survivors… and death hunting them down one-by-one. It’s better, but that’s like saying it’s better to get hit by bird poop than step in dog shit.

The worst part is, the Mouse Trap shenanigans that the openings contain don’t just happen in the opening scene in the later films. Oh no, these unbelievably improbable chain reactions actually start to bleed into the subsequent “accidents” that Death uses to correct the wrongs and right the fates of those who avoided his cold embrace in the opening. It gets to the point where they are willing to throw anything—including basic logic and every single one of the laws of physics known to man—out the goddamn window just to get a “cool” death scene. It gets even worse when they start knowing that people expect it to the point where they use chain reactions just to have them result in a near-miss / “close call” moment. Great, yeah that’s it, pander to the absurdity that you so proudly flaunt as a “series staple”. I should punch each and every one of you bastards in the soul.

Since this is supposed to be about 5 (and has turned into a much broader reaching rant), I’m going to try and keep this rant about these within the realm of what I saw in the trailer.

• Floor to ceiling windows that are in high rises and multi-story office buildings are NOT shatterproof nor massively thick. This is a common misconception. Having them posses those traits in the name of safety would just be laughable, because there’s zero chance that someone would EVER slip and fall into them. Besides, if a window washer sees something going wrong, they need to be able to make an immediate breach and entry. Window Washers: Saving the day, one window at a time.
• “I see that it’s been quite a while since your consultation for this laser eye treatment…what made you decide to take the leap today?”
  “A lot is going on in my life, I don’t want to miss anything.” *starts violently shivering after sitting in the chair* Jesus, then get fucking CONTACTS! My God, if you’re flipping out like this why are you doing it in the first place!? Oh wait, because then we can’t have an incompetent doctor leave you alone with your eyelids pried open and a high powered laser aimed directly at your retina!
• Death by falling on Acupuncture needles? 1000 Ways To Die already did it.
• A sheet metal screw can come loose from a ceiling bound air-conditioning unit in a gymnasium and fall with the most ridiculous precision onto a balance beam, landing flawlessly on it’s head without reacting to the fact that it’s momentum was suddenly and forcefully halted. Physics: “screwing” Netwon and his supposed laws whenever the hell it feels like it.

And just as a bonus lesson courtesy of FD3, remember children, an engine does not need to be hooked up to your truck for you to be able to actually drive it. It can simply rest under the hood as if it was conveniently placed in a trunk, which allows it to fly completely out from under the hood when a runaway van rear-ends you, sending the engine fan right into the unsuspecting head of the douchebag in the convertible in front of you in the drive thru line at McDonalds. Oh, and the douchebag’s car won’t move either, because as we previously established… physics isn’t an absolute or anything. It takes more plays off than Randy Moss when Death is the QB.

As if all of this wasn’t fail-tastic enough, in the 5th film Bludworth informs the survivors that because they aren’t supposed to be here, the only way to appease death is to kill someone else in their place. Wait, why didn’t you tell the kids in the first one that? What, is this a new development in the way Death operates? Did you read about revisions to the “How To Handle Those Who Escape Plans of A Horrific Fate” section of the Grim Reaper Rulebook in the newest edition of Afterlife Quarterly? What happened to the “only new life can defeat death” crap you spun to AJ Cook and her cohorts in FD2? Jesus man, are you ever consistent? Stop acting like the information you present is an absolute rule when it changes every five seconds! Your “rules” are more sporadic than the presence of physics in these movies!

[Sigh] … You know, for a film series called “Final Destination”—where the main subject of interest in the plot is death—they sure seem to have a hard time actually getting to that very destination and letting this series just fucking die in a ditch already. I wish Hollywood’s obsession with formulaic crap would reach it’s Final Destination. [Cue rimshot; subsequent tomato throwing] Thank you, I’ll be here all week!

Altitude

by XdarksparkX
Originally written: April 17th, 2011
[Images courtesy of Dread Central]

God damn it Jessica Lowndes, we have got to stop meeting like this! Here we are again—you’re starring in a suspect indie-horror film, and I’m stupidly intrigued to see it simply because you’re in it. This will never last if we keep this up…

Thankfully, this movie not only prominently displays the reasoning for why I’m so enamored with Jessica, but it is also leagues better than Autopsy (a praise that seems feeble after my drubbing of it, but still accurate and valid). In fact, I could go as far as saying that I enjoyed the majority of Altitude for what it was. However, the bookends of the film grind my gears to no end, especially the ending, which is so putridity Hollywood I had to forcibly restrain myself from vomiting all over my keyboard when the end-credits hit.

Before we get there, there are some good points I can actually bring up about the film. The first of course being Jessica’s performance. Once again, my girl came to play. While I have seen better from her, this was no where near the train wreck performance she put out in Autopsy—this is definitely on the upper echelon of her career’s performance hierarchy. I think director Kaare Andrews’ ability to recognize her potential and talent helped that, so kudos to him. Apparently Jessica also went out of her way to do extensive research to make sure that her aviation jargon and such was believable, even going as far as taking flying lessons. I’m no aviation expert, but she damn sure sold me on it.

See girls? You can still be pretty and not suck at your craft!

As a matter of fact, now that I think about it, everyone in this film was solid as far as performances go for a movie of this quality, and that’s huge when the script calls for your main cast to be isolated with each other in a small confined space for a majority of the runtime. I mean, could you imagine what The Breakfast Club would’ve been like as a character piece had the actors just sucked complete ass? I shudder at the thought.

Impressive... most impressive.

The only person who’s performance I had a problem with was Landon Liboiron, or as I call him when knocking the crap-fest that Degrassi: The Next Generation has become, “Eyebrows”. I don’t know, I just never feel like he is actually emoting at any point in the entire film. I get that his character is supposed to be emotionally distant, but I mean when everyone else around you is actually turning in semi-decent performances and you’ve got an air of “I don’t give a shit” / “uhhh what?” about you, it stands out like an NBA player at a jockey convention.

I also must say that the visual effects are phenomenally well done throughout 99% of the film (there’s one really obvious scene at the end that looks bleh), and when you consider the paltry budget they had to work with, its a pretty astounding feat to accomplish. Most of the visual effects shots are so well done, you wouldn’t even think they were VFX shots, and that’s more than some mega-budget films can say...

Now comes the bad. First off, the way the movie kicks off is a great framing point with a mid-air plane collision, but in that short 5 minutes it becomes painfully obvious that the child on the plane will play an extremely significant role, and the second Landon shuffles into frame it hits you like a Captain Obvious freight train.

Also of note in the character-establishing scene, Julianna Guill’s character Mel randomly states that she’s a film student in the opening. Yet not two minutes before that we saw the first shot of her using her the camera, and we can clearly see that the damn thing isn’t on—there’s no picture in the LCD viewfinder. Not to mention, every so often during the first half-hour or so they cut to her camera’s perspective, yet the digital quality they show the camera to capture is so atrociously bad it’s almost laughable. It honestly looks like it was recorded on a cell phone from five years ago, not an actual DV camera as portrayed. Film major my ass! No self-respecting film student would bother owning such a blatant piece of trash, no matter how cheap they got it. This information never comes back in any substantial way either, so it’s basically a piece of pointless character exposition.

Once the plane gets off the ground, the film actually becomes a pretty damn decent thriller film. It all looks like smooth sailing, until they are swallowed by a supernatural storm cloud and Jess isn’t instrument rated, which means she has to visually maintain separation from the ground at all times. A loose screw channels the Final Destination series and conveniently lodges itself into the elevator controller, making it impossible for Jess to taper off after she realizes that she can’t pull up over the storm, and shit has officially hit the fan. Is it perfect? Not on your life, but it’s damn sure entertaining, and the dialog is pretty damn solid as well. Jessica frequently calls Jake Weary’s macho-jock character Sal out on just about every stupid idea he comes up with when he’s in his three sheets to the wind haze (seriously, drinking is one thing, but this dude is a chronic alcoholic—he continually washes beer down with more beer for the first 40 minutes of the film).

The scene that really had me applauding Paul A. Birkett’s writing was when Sal starts flipping out and saying they should draw straws to see who gets the lone parachute on board. Jess proceeds to go into a highly logical rant about not knowing who packed the chute, if it’s packed properly, or how high they actually are. “You think we’re 10,000 feet up, but if we’re only a thousand, you’ll hit the ground before you can even deploy the chute!” My god, was that just a smart, logical argumentative point in a low-grade thriller / horror film? Did the devil by any chance happen to ice skate to work today?

This is not to say the writing is without its faults though. The aforementioned useless character exposition that takes place in the beginning aside, most of Sal’s asshole-ery comes out of far left field from Parking Lot J with little to no actual provocation. This would work, if he actually gave off the vibe of a true asshole the rest of the time instead of just a cocky jerk. It’s almost like at intermittent points during the writing process Birkett said to himself “I need to remind the audience that Sal’s a dick.” Yeah, we got that. You don’t need these stupid, random things that can only really be backed up by the terribly flimsily argument that he’s tipsy to happen for us to get that.

Then comes the ending… dear god, what in the hell of all that is went wrong here!? My frustration with it was actually compounded by the fact that I watched the behind-the-scenes documentary on the DVD after the film, and found out that the original script ending was leagues better conceptually. After Jessie kisses Eyebrows and he says “you didn’t mean it, did you?” The clouds would’ve parted and they would’ve slammed right into a mountain, abruptly ending the film. I would’ve taken that and ran with it, when put into comparison with what ultimately ended up on film!

The major problem is that for the first 75-80 minutes of the movie, they have set their ground rules as far as feasible possibilities go. Yes, you can introduce something new in the guise of a major twist, but you can really only do it once. After that, you start pulling serious Hand of God / Deus Ex Machina bullshit out, and the audience you’ve manage to captivate is so violently thrown by the turn of events that they get ripped out of the film.

So they find out that Eyebrows is the one causing Cthulhu to come after them (the creature doesn’t have a name, so I will refer to it as that from here on out), simply through his imagination and fears. Okay, so there is your twist, it’s become a psychological thriller type of deal. Right, you’ve used up your big twist—Cthulhu’s existence is purely the power of imagination, and can be stopped if Eyebrows would just stop being such a “goddamn pussy” (Jessie’s words in the film, not mine!) and just think of happier times. Of course, he can’t… because the dumb shit was probably under the covers reading the Necronomicon before going to bed every night when he was eight years old.

“That is not dead which can eternal lie...”

So, this should be it—your story’s resolution should to come within the context of this twist. Nope, not the case with Altitude. Instead they attempt to add another twist, using—of all things—time travel.

No. No, no, no, no… NO! Damn it, Andrews! You have officially thrown the carcass to the wolves; you have disengaged your audience with this overcomplicated nonsense. Why in the Lovecraftien hell would you do this!?

Now, surely some people are going to say, “well, you can buy the fact that Eyebrows can manifest Cthulhu’s disembodied head from the depth of the sunken city of R’lyeh, but you can’t buy that he can take them back in time?” To answer that: yes, I cannot buy that for a second. Aside from the fact that their earth-shattering twist was already well done with the teasers and eventual appearance of Cthulhu, at the same time it’s fantastical within the depths of imagination—like a schizophrenic’s psychotic episode, who are we to tell them what they are seeing isn’t real? I actually thought that would’ve been a great commentary as a whole for this film; but alas, by throwing the time-travel twist into the finale purely to achieve that ham-fisted bullshit Hollywood ending, they’ve created a climax that I simply can’t support. That is because it feels like the biggest crutch job in the world. Kaare tries to justify this in the BTS doc by saying that “by [the characters] allowing themselves to die in the present, they’ve saved a better version of themselves in the past, where their families are not killed and there’s no emotional baggage that keeps them from being together.” That’s all well and good, except for the fact that it makes no logistical sense!

“OH, COME ON!!!”

When you deal with time-travel Kaare, you need to be VERY careful if you want to make it legitimate. My rant on the Cameron’s Terminator films illustrates that—you have to think in terms of linear time progression in order for your time-travel plot point to work. What you’re saying Kaare is that they somehow saved themselves from the fate of the movie by going back to the day the crash happened, SOMEHOW REPLACING THE PLANE THAT CLIPPED THE ORIGINAL WITH THEIR OWN, and making a ‘better life’ for themselves? I hate to break it to you, but the other plane would still be there! They didn’t make Jessica’s mom (who was in fact the pilot of the plane little Eyebrows and parents were on at the beginning of the film) alter course—in fact, they didn’t make the original plane do anything except say “holy shit, where did he come from?” GAH! What is it with people trying to make time a loop; it is a continuous linear progression of events! Why is it that the only film that managed to get this right is Back To The Future? Look, there is an initial progression of events. If you jump back to one of those events, your presence can alter said events and potentially erase coming ones from that point on, but those initial events will still unfold exactly as they did when you weren’t there until you intervene!

Here’s the best way I can put it—I’ll partially regurgitate what I said in my Terminator rant. Think of time in the sense of a piece of string. Now, as pivotal / memorable events happen, you tie a knot at a certain point in that string. So eventually you’d have this piece of string with knots at various points. Now suppose you added a time-travel variant to this idea, and decided that at the tenth knot you wanted to go back to the fifth. Whether or not you alter it from then on, the fifth knot will still exist as it did when it was originally formed when you go back to it. It only changes when you mess with it after revisiting it.

Now, imagine that you took the current end of your string, and you looped it back to that fifth knot. Congratulations, you have just created a paradox! Because think about it, if now the plane that was supposed to hit them at the beginning was really Jessie and Eyebrows from the future, how can they get to the point where they get caught in the storm if they now live “happily ever after?” Exactly, they wouldn’t—at some point they would have to have the events of the movie happen because it’s the only way to get to that false hope of happiness. You haven’t rewritten a happier life for yourself; you’ve actually DOOMED yourself to constantly end your life at 21 on that plane so you can have a ‘better childhood’. Because technically, you will now be forced to exist in an infinite circle, because the only way the past can happen is if you go back to the end of the circle you’ve created. And where does a circle end? Wherever it begins—it always comes back around.

Theme Park Thoughts: "Courageous. Outrageous. Extraordinary."

 
by XdarksparkX

Originally written: December 27, 2010

There is a place, just beyond the horizon there, that calls to me. If you look closely, you can see a faint ray of light, twirling every so gracefully. It’s caster no doubt had begun its cycle a mere few hours after the sun has been chased away from the heavens by the impeding twilight. Can you see it? No? Well, such is to be expected of the non-believers; the doubters of that place and its true existence. Sure, they will see it when they’re close enough, when they are standing within the daunting shadow of the casting lighthouse, but I however do not need to see the source to know that the light is there. I see it every time I look up at the lonely, darkened night skies. It casts itself across the endless sea of black nothingness we call space to call to me… it calls for my return.

When I had discovered this place in all it’s true splendor, I needed it more than I ever knew back then. Back some 800 miles to the north of here, I had been judged as if I had committed despicable acts akin to first-degree murder. Paranoia beseeched me in this place I had been forced to call home for the majority of the past 21 years, and everywhere I turned I could hear the nonexistent words that came from the condescending mouths of the decadent: “He doesn’t have a job, the last college course he took was two years ago, he has to drive his mom’s car to get anywhere. The lack of his relenting hand has bred an inability to use the measurement calculations that we have imposed on this life script to define one’s self-worth at a glance. Ergo: Loser.”

Not here though.

The aforementioned lighthouse loomed above me on this warm October day. Most would gaze upon this structure and take awe in it’s size, for his presence was easily associated with pure intimidation. I however, saw it as my towering protector, it would shield me from all outside critiques and judgments. It’s light did not beckon fabled travelers to it—no, it beckoned me, and all those like me who felt the deafening criticisms surround them and violently force them into thoughts of negative self-worth as a way to say “come, you are safe here.”

The whimsical, mystical sweeps of the strings, followed by the proud and triumphant horns strung themselves from the warm Floridian air into the deepest depths of my ear cartilage. This music had an unexplainable grace and enchantment to it. I felt elated by it, emboldened to step forth into the familiar and the undiscovered equally. As such, each note seemed to puppeteer another step beyond my protector and into the heart of what they call “The Port of Entry”.

To the average park-goer, this was nothing more than another theme-park main street. To those of us who can see beyond this mere façade, it is something so much more. The text “The Adventure Begins”, which is inscribed upon a crumbling stone archway as you venture deeper into the heart of the Port, does not beckon you to mere amusement rides and attractions. No, it beckons you to a journey within yourself. The fantastical worlds you are about to explore are mere reflections of your innermost desires and fears. The attempt to recapture toddler innocence, the simplicity of childhood ‘black and white / good versus evil’ dichotomy, the empowerment of conquering coming-of-age adversity, the joys of twilight year retrospection and pratfalls, and the fears of the inevitable appearance of the specter known as death lying in wait just beyond the brush.

This journey into self begins with the colorful misshapes and abstract—almost demented architecture of a place known as Seuss Landing. Before structural feasibility infiltrated our brains, Theodore S. Geisel under the pseudonym of “Dr. Seuss” brought to us a place where all things were possible; the word “impossible” was merely a careless misspelling of “I’m possible”. A place that, while fantastical in nature, somehow drew stark reflections to a deeper, darker world that we—at the time—were all but oblivious to. Seuss Landing is the start of the journey, for it requires us to remember when life was simpler, when we could be who and what we wanted to be, when harsh and cruel judgment existed in the same way that quantum physics did: within a field far beyond our small world, peacefully oblivious to its being. It is a reminder for all of us to rediscover that innocence, even after the world around us has been tainted by the harshness of adulthood.

With each transition into the next phase of the journey (or to the simplistic, with each voyage to a different island), the experience becomes a metaphorical pendulum. Always reflecting back to it’s starting point in order to achieve momentum and progress. I fuel this concept by passing the origin point of this journey and discover my next stop to be Marvel Superhero Island. I have stepped into a world where everything is as simple as we all wish it were out there. There is good, and there is evil. Very little gray, very few waning towards both sides. To join into the fray is only to give us a peace of mind that this line of thinking isn’t completely wrong. After helping a friendly neighborhood web-crawling superhero, and climbing into a ‘Gamma Ray Accelerator’ and unleashing the pure rage within that comes from the frustrations of remembering how it felt to be “too young to have a voice worth hearing”, I can’t say I disagree. However, even though the heroes and villains painted into this life-sized canvas are easily identifiable, it may be that way because we want them to be. We want—nay, need it to be that simplistic. In a way, we’re still children. We still want things laid out like a neatly made five-star hotel bedspread. This island may gratify that need, but the fact that the villains are never truly vanquished, in that they always manage to find a way to re-appear and harass the superheroes with another overly elaborate plan to take over the city and / or world, should really crumble the very foundation of that illusion. This fact stares us dead in the eye down the alley of Yancy Street, where the terrifying Dr. Doom extracts the fear from the very marrow of your being, in the same fashion without interruption from the Fantastic Four, over and over again and again no matter how many times you board his Fear Fall Towers. In order to achieve peace, gray area must not only exist, but is required. This seems to speak to the darker truth of the island, the truth that we so hastily refuse for fear of disillusionment and thus the inevitable progression to the next Island: the battle here is futile, because the war can never end.

Swinging back once again across the Port’s shoreline, I fondly remember a time of wonderment as I pass through Geisel’s landing. Yet when I reach the northern outskirts of the landing, I am faced with the most contrasting change in the journey yet. The world gets suddenly more drab as I walk over a rustic bridge, the menacing statue of a Griffin guardian bearing a torch greeting me upon arrival on the adjacent shore. This is the Lost Continent, and while not wholly what it used to be, the change that overtook the majority of this Island is one that suits the outlook I am scribing more appropriately. This Island has become a mere buffer, the space and time in between what was left of our childhood and what lies ahead in our coming-of-age. The wonderment of exploration is the motif here, a reflection of our dire attempts to break out and discover a world unknown to us as our existence turns to teen-hood.

And then, it appears. A dark stone archway abruptly halts the wonderment of the unknown. It seems I have found teen-hood, and in hindsight I think it was better left undiscovered. Yet still I venture forth, under the archway, my heart hammering within my ears. A town covered in snow awaits beyond. The buildings seem to completely wall the external world out—an architectural hallway leading to a destination unknown. There is an unsettling air about this place though, it’s not nearly as welcoming and joyous as it would like you to believe. Perhaps a metaphor of the deceit that lay in wait in the years to come?

The first horror of this place reveals itself via monstrous, otherworldly roars. My gaze snaps to the right, and the first detour of this leg of the introspection has begun.

Twin dragons are furiously careening towards and around each other. Spiraling almost out of control, yet with a precise and calculated grace that is almost foreign to me. They beckon to be challenged; to be conquered. The stark duality, and yet striking contractility of them is an axiom in itself. Two dragons, and yet one warrior. A choice must be made. By choosing which dragon to tame, we are making the choice of who we want to become. Past the point of no return, our only choice: to freeze, or burn?

The choices are intriguing to say the least. To the left lies the Fire dragon’s cavern, which was likely to leave you as a forgettable pile of ash for daring to take such a bold choice on brazen chance. However, the Ice dragon to the right threatens to keep you standing still, never achieving what you want… lost amidst frigid waves of “could haves” and “would haves.” The latter struck a little too close to home at the present time, and so if I was already partially frozen, best to attempt to thaw yourself out than further complete the process. And so the flame-wielding dragon tossed and spun me about, only to eventually subside when it careened towards the castle it departed from and crashed unceremoniously into a crumbling stone façade.

Dismounting the beast, adrenaline is deeply rooted and coursing throughout my bloodstream. I have conquered it, and I feel as though nothing that is or was could ever hope to bring me down. I disembark from the castle ruin, only to find myself tracing my steps back towards it in order to conquer the beast’s raging twin. Here, I am free to leave no stone unturned without consequence. It is because of this, that I am able to solve the conundrum of the true nature of the beast’s duality, and the why of their existence. To best these creatures, you must to conquer both, and not favor one or the other, lest you wish for the effects of the favored dragon to curse you with its eternal consequences.

Having bested the airborne beasts, I wander deeper into this world with a newly instilled confidence. Then, as I round a corner, I feel the air seemingly drained from my very lungs (which in hindsight seems like a petty precursor for certain creatures that dwelled within the castle’s walls), the thoughts of triumph purged from my contemplative queue. The towering castle upon the jagged cliff-side manages to claim the feelings of dread, wonder, and terror all at once. Yet still, I find myself venturing towards it, and subsequently deeper into it’s depths.

When I re-emerge from the depths of the cliff face, I am unsure what exactly has transpired in there. Things once thought agreeable became terrifying, uncertainty flooding my brain and making it the only thought my neurons could relay. Logic was turned upside down, akin to viewing a magician’s illusions for the first time. Now, in retrospect, the true concept of it all was that you were to purposefully stare various Demented apparitions of death in the very eye, and come out the other side able to tell the tale. Perhaps the purpose of this Forbidden Journey in the grand scheme of this introspective excursion serves as a message that as we conquer teenage adversity, we must accept that death exists and is mere inches away from us at times, if we are to ever hope to exhaust our existence to its greatest extent. The enlightenment of the overcome adversity brings forth the tragic realization that all things must come to an inevitable end.

Once this realization has set in, we do not care to focus on it. Instead, we care to focus on the good times—the funny papers, if you will. Toon Lagoon helps us do just that.

Once you hit an age where what you remember from your childhood is seemingly lost on the newly ushered generation of today, a certain bond and appreciation seems to stem towards what your elders remembered from their childhoods. An appreciation of the fact that we all, at one point or another, existed within the very capacity that we have just realized has past us by far too quickly. The majority of the characters that reside in Toon Lagoon are well before the time I came into being, and yet this does not hinder my appreciation for this Island. Maybe I didn’t grow up watching Dudley Do-Right miraculously manage to outwit Snidely Whiplash and save Nell Fenwick; or Popeye freakishly down a can of spinach before upper-cutting Bluto into the atmosphere of the moon in honor of Olive Oyl, but damn it, I embrace these characters as if I did. The familiarity perhaps comes with the fact that these characters were lost amidst the shuffle of oncoming generations and interests, just as the characters my childhood claims have finally been lost amongst this generation.

The last stop is a fitting oxymoron: to reach the end, you must go back to before the beginning. Jurassic Park becomes the final stop, after the laugher has faded away and we know that the inevitable end is waiting just around the corner…

Before I board the boat destined to take me to world’s end, I can see the spires of that mystical castle just over the lush jungle foliage. Fitting, I suppose, for it was at that point when the realization that the reaper will come for you inevitably one day fully set in.

The boat begins its serene journey through giant wooden doors, where a naturally carved estuary feeds into a biological nature preserve of creatures thought to be extinct so many years ago. Only through miraculous engineering do they stand before me today, though the pit of my stomach can’t help but feel that marveling at this slight against the universe is an action that shall not go unpunished.

Deeper into the river, into a natural spring where herds of Stegosaurs are currently residing. Simply breathtaking creatures to behold, even though they are technically no different than a modern-day rhinoceros. Perhaps lack of familiarity and exposure makes these creatures more wondrous than they would’ve been in their heyday.

As the venture continues, a blithe Hadrosaurus gets a bit too playful. Knocked off my predestined course, I find the attempts to rear the boat back futile, and thus I slowly drift past the point of no return and towards the carnivore paddocks. Suddenly, everything has changed. I have gone from assuming my days would end peacefully in my sleep, to suddenly becoming a hospital patient going code-blue.

Passing desolate foreshadowing remains of what awaits me, my heart threatens to burst forth straight out of my chest. I manage to steer the boat towards the old Maintenance Building, where my raft catches on to the diagnostic and storage lift, and is slowly pulled upwards into the darkness.

Vicious packs of Dromaeosauridae (or “Raptors”, for those more familiar with Steven Spielberg’s terminology) have overrun this building, and surely my end will be at the hands of their feeding. Yet, when the boat manages to reach the top of the lift and turn a corner, I find a much bigger predator awaits to claim my fate.

An awe-inspiring Tyrannosaur looms before me, having apparently broken through the concrete walls and unwittingly lodged itself in place. I have no where to go, no place to hide; the lift slowly pulls me closer and closer to the awaiting maw that the Rex boasts. Yet I do not fear it, not anymore. I have accepted this, and I have prepared for the inevitable cease of my existence. It is something we all must do at one point or another.

When only a few feet from the beast, the Rex proceeds to lunge towards me, only to miss by mere cubic inches. His breath reeks of death and decay, and yet that particular fate is one I seem to have eluded. A wayward pipe, broken by his sudden presence, crashed down a second earlier, creating a haphazard waterfall which my boat could do nothing but careen down. And so I plummet down its slope, a mere puppet of the never-ender known as gravity.

Water rains down upon me as the schooner crashes into the peaceful lagoon that rests within the shadow of the building. This is the perfect signal—the sign from the heavens that my journey, my unequivocal physical existence within this place, has come to an end. The waters that shower me do nothing but cleanse and refresh. This final stroke is the crescendo of an epic musical number. My adventure, as well as I, have ceased to exist.

However, in this place there is no death—there is only rebirth. For the waters wash away the colors of the shame that they gave to me, only for me to see again… to live again. As if by some cataclysmic event, or some obscure wormhole theory, I find myself back in the place where it all began without clue or idea as to how. A familiar arch now leaves a different message for me: “The Adventure Lives On.”

I have conquered raging twin dragons, and I have saved a city from total annihilation (with the help of super-powered friends). I have relished my past, laughed at my future, and I have accepted the existence of my inevitable end by staring 65 million year-old harbingers of death in the eye. They do not care, but here, they do not matter. Here the adventure is your own—the Islands mere theoretical LEGO pieces available to construct your own free-standing sense of self. Where the adventure ends, lies with you and you alone. For me, I know the adventure, unlike life, shall live eternal.

Before I know it, I have ventured out of the Port to find myself back once again within the shadow of the lighthouse—my protector, always and forever. In this, the dead of nightfall, it’s beacon further reassures me that it will never let harm nor sorrow infiltrate me when I step beyond the wrought iron gate adjacent to it’s base. Standing here now is the only time where I am once again blatantly aware of my being, of my physical existence in the here-and-now. Everything that has transpired over the last 72 hours feels as if it were an event within the narcosis of sleep—a fantastical dream-like bliss. Yet I know for a fact that the memories have a more solid weight than that of a dream’s vacant haze. I was there, I existed, and I experienced every image that is now just out of reach.

My protector has no expression, nor does it need one. It simply need to shine its light towards the horizon, knowing that one day I will follow its ray back to my true home, and we will meet again with the unwavering smiles and “hello’s” of old-acquaintances. Until we meet again, my old friend.

I know what awaits me when I return to my northeastern abode, they will tell me that it all wasn’t real—that it was all “make-believe”. What is ‘make-believe?’ The construct of that which is not real, by definition? Then what defines ‘real?’ Something our brains register to us and us alone as ‘existing’? Then surely what a schizophrenic sees when having a psychotic episode is ‘real’, is it not? If the perception of realism comes solely from the verification of others, how can anything be christened ‘real’ when humans have the infinite capability to lie in order to feel their existence and opinion is accepted and validated by their peers?

Perhaps they tell me it’s make-believe because it is not what surrounds us daily. What surrounds us in this blue sphere that slowly circles an epic star is death, destruction, and ruin and that to them is reality. Elation and acceptance, especially the kind I feel back there, is something artificial—a way for the pathetic human to desperately balance and cope with the mass amounts of decadence that has been pumped into this world. But maybe the decadence exists is such copious quantities in order to keep the heartless machine known as society well-oiled and churning. Fear, after all, is a much better controlling agent and slave master than joy. Ah, but to find the truth to all this, the classic existentialistic question must be answered: ‘What came first, the chicken or the egg?’

Surely scribing all of these thoughts out is only going to incur them to spawn the classic “you’re looking too far into it” euphemism. Be it a theme-park, movie, story, idea, etc. I have heard that tripe one time too many for my liking. Am I really looking too hard, or are you not looking hard enough?

“You will not be judged. Not here—never here.” The spectral light speaks to me now, even though it’s caster has been enveloped by the finite vision of the horizon, “Come be how you want to, be who you were always meant to be. Here, take the chances you are so afraid to take out there, and take them without fear of the ridicule you have taken shelter from. This is the place where the cowardice within dies, and the bravery within shall arise. So come forth, and be courageous, be outrageous, be extraordinary.”

* * *

Scream Queens 2—The Finals (Week 8)

by XdarksparkX
Originally written: September 28, 2010
[Images courtesy of VH1.com]

Seven shitty actresses have fallen, the top three actresses remain… this week, all the proverbial marbles are on the line; it’s put up or shut up. In the end, one of the final three will in all likelihood become just another forgettable victim in the massive Saw body count. It’s Scream Queens 2—Week Eight: The Finals!

Week 8

• ELIMINATION CHALLENGE (SEMI-FINAL):
  
  Changing things up right out of the gate, as the first challenge is not a Skills Challenge, but rather a Director’s Challenge where the lowest performer will be eliminated on the spot. This is serious girls, one mess up and everything that you worked for will go down the toilet faster than Mr. Hanky. (I’m staring intently at you, Jessica. One flub and your power trip comes to a more disappointing end than the Philadelphia Flyers 2010 Stanley Cup Playoff run).
  
  Tim reveals that they will basically be copying the Semi-Final Challenge from Season 1. The challenge is named The Gauntlet, and it will entail a long chase scene that will be done in one continuous take. The only difference between this challenge and it’s predecessor from the first season is the location; instead of a dark, seedy apartment complex the chase will take place in a sun strewn park playground. THE HORROR OF DAYLIGHT SHALL OVERTAKE YOU! (They actually started filming after dark, so I'll stop knocking that).
  
  There are a lot of complex technical aspects (Hi Gabby), and transitions from “unsuspecting, to terrorized, to an ass-kicking heroine in the end.” (Man, Homa’s still kicking after eight weeks in hell). Blah blah blah…ugh, enough. You get it, it going to be hard and complicated. Let’s just skip the bullshit and get to the performances.
  
  Like the sun rising in the east, Jessica is once again up first. This challenge is particularly hilarious because we see all three judges react to the scene as they watch it as well. Jessica’s first mistake that they “calmly” pointed out? She didn’t get in the damn car fast enough after the stalker on the phone says “I’m the guy who’s watching you walk to your car”. Seriously, would you really be that nonchalant about that kind of comment in real life Jess? Gah. She corrects this in her second take, but I’m not actually believing her when the stalker pops out and grabs her from the back seat of her car. She’s much to reserved, infact she doesn’t even scream. Not to mention, she oversells her leg injury after tripping him up so much I thought she was auditioning to be a WWE wrestler. Your leg is not broken Jessica, stop dragging it around like you’ve got a lead weight in your shoe. Her third and final take she seemed to pull everything together, but what does it say when the powerhouse of the competition has problems with this scene?
  
  My dark horse Christine is up second, and her first take she makes almost the exact same mistake that Jessica made: hesitance to act on the urgency of the situation. Why do I have to say this twice? Someone is watching you from afar and knows your cell phone number, get your ass in the goddamn car, you dumb broad! She was also admittedly boring as hell in her setup while walking to her car. She completely turns it around in her second take after Tim’s direction, and she added a very realistic and subtle improvisation that made the setup ten times better. She then corrects what I thought Jessica failed at and completely panicked when the stalker grabs her, going as far to honk the horn out of reactive instinct. It was all going so well, and then Homa in his vast wisdom made the great point of “I don’t know what it is, but I’m just not pulling for [her character] to win.” Sadly, he was right. As good as her second take began, there was just something missing in the finale of Christine’s second take. It was almost too… light, I guess is the word I’ll use here. There was no power to her taking this guy out, it was all just… light. However, she does her finale much better on her final take, with a much better emphasis on the situation that has just occurred. It would seem the dark horse isn’t out of the race just yet.
  
  Then there’s Gabby. For someone who’s as technically inept as she is she didn’t do as bad as I thought. She was overly frightened during the beginning of her first take, and she was the only one of the three to actually outrun the camera but other than that her performance was solid during her third take. Very good showing from her given her previous track record with technical scenes.
  
  All three girls put out above average performances, but in the end only two could move on while one got the axe, and the person who tasted cold steel was…
  …
  …
  CHRISTINE. NOOOOOOO! Damn it! She was so damn close! (heavy sigh) Well, I hope this can open doors for her and that she can go far, because in my opinion she has more potential than any of the other girls. I saw it from day one, and I’m sticking to that belief even now as she walks away. Best of luck to you Christine Haeberman, I hope to see you acting again soon.
  
  
  ---
  
  

  So now it’s down to just two. Jessica and Gabby, a knockdown-drag out fight to see who will win it all and appear in Saw 3D. To the death—NO, to the pain!
  
  
  Before their final challenge, the girls are picked up via limo and driven to Lionsgate headquarters. Inside, they are greeted with a personalized greeting from Billy, Jigsaw’s iconic puppet (voiced terribly by some n00b stand-in who sounds nothing like Tobin Bell) welcoming them to the Final Challenge and congratulating them for getting this far. Video game voice replacement guy also tells them that their final challenge will be their take on the situation Lawrence Gordon found himself in in the original Saw film when he answers the phone and hears his wife and daughter on the other line begging him to help them, unaware that he is helplessly shackled to a pipe in an industrial bathroom.
  
  They return to the house after picking up their final challenge scripts for one last exercise with Johnny H.
  
  
• JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:
  
  Homa starts the final meeting off like only he can. He asks the girls if they had a big meeting at Lionsgate, and both nod excitedly with grins lining their faces. “Yeah? Forget about it!” Bam, he takes them back to reality so fast they can do nothing but hang their heads in shame. “Focus on the task at hand! Take a look at each other, if you are not better than the person across from you, you are going home!” I will miss you and your epic rage Homa, if only you had your own show.
  
  So this exercise is different in that they will actually be doing the scene that is in the final challenge. In essence, this is their practice run. This is their only run where they can mess up without any negative repercussions (other than Homa raging at them of course). One of the girls will be the character they will play the next day, and the other will be the character’s sister who’s on the phone in the hands of Jigsaw. Jessica’s up first, and right away Homa shows that just because this is the last class, no one will skate thorough this unscathed. “The start of the scene, you wake up, you’re chained to a wall—you’re a prisoner. Where is that? All I’m getting is this [vacantly looks around without reacting to the scenes setting]. How long does it take you to realize you’re not where you should be?” He then tells them to switch it up, and Gabby is basically just as awful, you can just see the rage festering in Homa’s eyes as he watches her.
  
  They both didn’t fully commit to the scene for whatever reason, and Homa makes damn sure that they both understand this. “I need a series of realizations here. Your sister is on the phone saying ‘don’t let me die’ and you say you won’t. You made a promise to someone, you don’t know where they are and you’re chained to a wall!” He wants them to show him the desperation that comes with saving their own life in order to save their sisters, and he wants the full commitment to make him feel like the situation isn’t a damn high-school musical, but an actual life and death situation.
  
  Second tries, and Jessica’s performance feels like the biggest rip-off of Cary Elwes in the original Saw. All she’s missing is the goofy accent leak moments and it would’ve been straight from the movie. I’m not necessarily saying that’s bad, it’s just… interesting. Homa’s final task for them is that at the end of the scene, he needs the primal rage of a survivor, someone who is a victim no longer (ohh snap, and he comes full circle with everything back to the very first class! Homa, you sick genius, you).
  
  Gabby’s second try is up, and Homa calls her on ‘attempting to cry’. (boy, he’s just hitting every mark from everything he’s shown them, this is pretty damn epic). “Is the character trying to cry? No, the character is trying to solve a problem!” Then, Homa does what he does, he hits that emotional water valve and the tears come a flowing from Gabby like the Hoover freaking Dam just collapsed. From there, the transition to the final line of “I will kill you” becomes nothing but a formality, and Gabby delivers it with believable angst and power. Game, set and match, the mighty Homa’s work for Scream Queens 2 is complete.
  
  
• FINAL CHALLENGE:
  
  For the final Director’s Challenge, Tim states that his job was to merely prepare and coach them to work with any director. He reveals that for the final act they will have a guest director. The man who sat in the chair for Saw II, III and IV, the one and only Darren Lynn Bousman! Hell to the mother eff’n yes! Full Sail U alum in the hizzouse!
  
  Ahem, anyway, Jess is once again first out of the gate. She does exactly what she did in the Semi though, she does not look like she’s actually aware and present when it comes to her situation. Darren calls her on this, and gives her tons of notes for her second take. To her credit, she did exactly what he asked and was a more “proactive character” in her second take. Then, the call came in. “You’re not asking her if she’s at the mall buying clothes, you need to be urgent.” BWHAHAHAHA! Oh man, I had no clue Darren had that kind of snark in him! That was freaking brilliant. Jessica then stalks around, shouting that she’ll kill whoever is doing this, repeating “I’ll kill you” over and over like an annoying sound byte on a child’s toy. Darren once again calls her on it, and tells her not to pace back and forth but to actually try to find a way out. In the end, he thinks that she got where he wanted and he noted how well she takes direction.
  
  Gabby steps up to the plate, and in so many words whiffs on her first take. Darren didn’t even let her get 30 seconds into her scene before slicing it off. She was far too alert for his liking, especially for a character who was supposed to have been mildly drugged beforehand. Of course, after some direction it’s no problem, but her second take has no progression from sorrow to rage and she just kind of jumps from one to the other. Again, some direction rights that ship and she finishes strong and Gabby of all people finally fully commits herself to a scene and completely rages out in the finale. Nice.
  
  Like last year, this final is really up in the air. Either one of them could win, but there can be only one. Without further ado, the winner of Scream Queens 2 is…
  …
  …
  !!GABBY!! Wait, what? The fuck just happened here? How–when–who… how? Talk about upset of the year. Seriously, on consistency alone I probably would’ve gone with Jessica, but it is what it is. Jessica was right, it is really hard for Hispanics to break out in Hollywood. I think there was some judgmental bias possibly floating around, I mean they praised Gabby since the first challenge even though her performance was average. Never-the-less, congratulations to the underdog. It will be interesting to see how she fares in Saw 3D…
  

Final Rankings (links to each girl’s IMDb page embedded in their name)

1. Gabby (2-1-2; 4) .757
2. Jessica (3-1-0; 7) 1.200
3. Christine (0-1-2; 5) .571
4. Tai (1-2-2; 5) .785
5. Sierra (1-1-4; 2) .450
6. Sarah (0-1-2; 3) .425
7. Allison (0-1-2; 3) .425
8. Karlie (0-0-1; 2) .200
9. Rosanna (0-0-1; 1) .100
10. Lana (0-0-0; 0) .000
    

[KEY: Wins—Immunities/Runner Ups—Bottom Two’s; Total Times Safe (no ballroom appearance/not up for elimination if called. Called for bad performance while holding immunity results in no TTS)
Power Percentage:
Total number of wins {1.0 for win, 0.5 for immunity/runner up} divided by weeks, plus 0.TTS (I.E. +0.7 for Jessica; 0.5 for Christine; 0.4 for Gabby, etc.]

And thus ends another season of Scream Queens. Whether or not there will be a Scream Queens 3 now that the Saw franchise is coming to an end is unseen. All that I know is that if there is, you can be damn sure that I will be watching from opening night until the finale, and I will be sharing the acting failure induced lulz and epic HOMA RAGE moments until the inevitable end.

The 2010 VH1 Scream Queen -- Gabrielle West

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... BEWARE THE SACRILEGE!

Scream Queens 2—Week 7

by XdarksparkX
Originally written: September 21, 2010
[Images courtesy of VH1.com]

Six shitty actresses have fallen, four suspect actresses remain… this week the girls get in touch with their inner Emily Rose as they get possessed by the spirit of Hannibal Lector (not really, but kinda). It’s Scream Queens 2—Week Seven!

WEEK 7:

• SKILLS CHALLENGE:
  
  This week, the girls will be possessed by a ghost in the Skills Challenge. The setup is that they’re attempting to contact a murdered woman via a séance, a woman who’s reputation staked her as the town tramp (lovely). The girls are to call on the spirit, have it enter their being, state its case and then exit their body. It’s a constant transitional performance basically.
  
  Jessica played it off as if the girls reputation was not unfounded, like this girl really was the village bicycle (everyone’s had a ride!) She was almost overly sensual, I think Tai said it best in the confessional: “Whoa, Jessica. This is a little ‘bow-chicka-bow-wow’” And Christine comes along and takes cues from that but toned down physically, however her dialog is so vulgar it would make a sailor take notice and say “…damn.”
  
  Tai was the one who actually thought “maybe this girl wasn’t the town slut, maybe some guy or girl just gave her that bad rep.” (Gasp! Deep story thinking and logistics are finally being used in this challenge!) She took this idea, and jacked it 425 feet into Ashburn Alley. Out of the park, walk off home-run. Her performance was simply outstanding. Is this a possible resurgence after her epic reality check last week?
  
  As for Tai’s antithesis Gabby, she seemed too focused on her choice to cough when the spirit entered and exited her that it kinda pulled me out of her performance. It was like she was being choked by the spirit when it entered her, and then trying to throw it up when it eventually left.
  
  Stand-Outs: Tai
  Face-Palms: N/A
  
  
• JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:
  
  Doing only what the Great Homa can, John wants the girls to explore the state of inebriation. “As a Scream Queen, odds are that you’re going to have scenes where you’re drinking” …and then attempting to run away from a lumbering seven-foot machete-wielding psychopath, only to fall on your ass and not get the fuck back up. Ahem, sorry, that ticks me off every goddamn time I see it. Anyway, Homa wants the girls to play plastered, without actually being plastered (because that would just be cheating… and unprofessional on a set, but mainly cheating).
  
  After a few “drunken speech” tips, Homa sets up a scenario where at an office party, he is Christine’s boss and she has to drunkenly admit to being in love with him. At first, she flounders a bit, but she gets exactly what he wanted on her second try. He tells Tai to do the same, and the mood goes from lighthearted to HOMA RAGE in a matter of Tai overplaying her drunken state by crashing into an adjacent table. “KEEP THIS REAL, YOU!” You could just feel the anger-venom Homa spat out when he said this, “This is not a comedy, so why are you overplaying it!? I heard you were terrific with Jaime, so let’s go!” Damn, I don’t know if I can recall someone being on Homa’s shit list in back-to-back classes. Maybe I spoke too soon about her resurgence…
  
  Homa changes things up when Gabby steps up. This time, he’s supposed to be her boyfriend who’s always abused her, and thanks to a little alcoholic empowerment, she’s finally going to give him a piece of her mind. What Gabby seems to miss are two critical concepts, “drunk” and “empowerment” because she displayed neither.
  
  Jessica steps up and really nails down what Homa wanted, the back and forth between him and her felt very realistic, pretty much everything from her slurring of words to her off-balance stature was extremely believable. It’s a shame that after not being anywhere near the Bottom 2 for seven weeks, her head’s started to balloon so big I wonder if Falcon Heene is hiding in there.
  
  In a Shyamalan-ian twist, Gabby starts crying and says that she knows she could’ve done better when asked about it by Homa. He asks if he puts her back up there, will she give him better and she states a resounding “yes”, so he lets her try again. This straight up pisses in Jessica’s Trix cereal, because she swears that now that Gabby has seen her performance she knows what to hit in order to get what Homa wants. Jess starts to BAAWW about how “it’s not fair that certain people get second chances” She says that everyone else gets one shot and they have to bring it on that one shot, blah blah blah. By that logic Jess, second takes, reshoots and editing aren’t “fair” either. To be honest, this seems like her “I have to work harder because I’m Hispanic” demons are creeping up to the surface after watching a saltine cracker like Gabby get a second shot (not like you needed it Jessica, you were still kick ass). I think that she also knows that at this stage in the competition all it takes is one successful power play before she finds herself down a goal with a minute left to play.
  
  
  
  "Baaaawwwww!"
  
  
  Stand-Outs: Jessica, Gabby (second try)
  Face-Palms: Tai, Gabby (first try)
  
  
• DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:
  
  Somewhere in Baltimore State Hospital, Hannibal Lector is grinning ear-to-ear at the prospect of this weeks Director’s Challenge. The girls are to play a psychopathic murderer locked in a modern day asylum, revealing the details of their killing spree to their very own Clarice Starling. The Jodie Foster for the girls is Heath Freeman, who’s most notable stint according to his IMDb page was a 7 episode run on Raising The Bar. Hey, at least SQ is a job, right?
  
  Jessica, once again is out go-to setup girl. She tries on a Brooklyn accent for her character, and completely flubs her first take because she’s apparently more worried about how the accent is coming out than her lines and the actual performance. Tim gave her the opportunity to drop it after the first take, but she stuck with it and it was definitely for the better. She’s like a machine; she maybe take a bit to get booted up in the first take, but by the second take, she’s running as smooth as can be.
  
  Christine went a different route, playing a more innocent and less sexually charged insane. It came off extremely well… until the end where she was supposed to scare Heath and sounded more-or-less like a Saturday morning cartoon villain. Ugh, damn it Chris you were this close! Her BFF in the house Gabby meanwhile, manages to absolutely destroy all comers on her first take, which left me pleasantly surprised. This is the best I’ve seen Gabby in any Director’s Challenge. Way to save your best stuff for the last leg.
  
  And then there’s Tai. She was flat-out all over the place in her first take. Yes, the character is crazy but there has to be a transition, there has to be. Tim reiterates exactly this to her after her first take, saying that she’s making to many choices that are disjointed from one-another. Her answer to this? A f’n crotch shot. That’s right, Tai just flashed her shit all over town like she was Sharon Stone or something.
  
  
  
  “…and lets face it Sid, your mother is no Sharon Stone!”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Stand-Outs: Gabby, Jessica
  Face-Palms: Tai, Christine
  
  
• THE AXE:
  All of the girls were called to the Grand Ballroom for the judgments that follow:
  
  Gabby was named Week 7’s Leading Lady, with Jessica's undefeated streak finally coming to an end as she settles for Runner-Up.
  
  Christine and Tai were this week’s Bottom 2 performers, and ultimately it was…
  …
  …
  Tai who got AXED. Round and round the house they went, as Tai tormented poor Gabby. The bitch, she thought it ‘twas all fun… POP! goes the ego.
  

Rankings after Week 7:

1. Jessica (3-1-0; 7) 1.200
2. Gabby (2-1-2; 4) .757 [previously 4th]
3. Christine (0-1-2; 5) .571
   
   
4. Tai (1-2-2; 5) .785
5. Sierra (1-1-4; 2) .450
6. Sarah (0-1-2; 3) .425
7. Allison (0-1-2; 3) .425
8. Karlie (0-0-1; 2) .200
9. Rosanna (0-0-1; 1) .100
10. Lana (0-0-0; 0) .000

[KEY: Wins—Immunities/Runner Ups—Bottom Two’s; Total Times Safe (no ballroom appearance/not up for elimination if called. Called for bad performance while holding immunity results in no TTS)
Power Percentage:
Total number of wins {1.0 for win, 0.5 for immunity/runner up} divided by weeks, plus 0.TTS (I.E. +0.7 for Jessica; 0.5 for Christine; 0.4 for Gabby]

Gabby finally comes to play and leapfrogs two spaces, though with the final week looming that pretty much means nothing. Though I must say, it is interesting that up until Tai, the Power Averages were right on par with the eliminations, and Tai’s elimination could be chalked up to necessity rather than overall performance within the competition. Not bad for an algorithm that took me all of 5 minutes to think up. So, the Final Three are set, and at the end of next week, one of them will be apart of one of the most abused dead-horses in the business. Everything they’ve been working for; all the uncooperative cauldrons, all the bricks thrown at their heads, all the maggots inadvertently swallowed, it was all to culminate to this. Next week, it’s Scream Queens 2—The Finals!

Scream Queens 2—Week 6

by XdarksparkX
Originally written: September 14, 2010
[Images courtesy of VH1.com]

Five shitty actresses have fallen, five suspect actresses remain… this week, the girls get a dose of handheld camera syndrome, as they more-or-less reenact scenes from Cloverfield and Paranormal Activity. It’s Scream Queens 2—Week Six!

WEEK 6:

• SKILLS CHALLENGE:
  
  Back into the maw, we get a crudely rendered pre-visualization during the explanation of this weeks Skills Challenge. The reason for the pre-vis? Because for this Challenge, the girl’s co-star will be a big-ass green tarp. Yup, they’re doing a greenscreen’d monster scene this week.
  
  The scene setup is that their characters will be in the penthouse of a skyscraper, admiring a low flying plane (umm…bad taste? Maybe I just think that because the 8th anniversary of 9/11 just passed and the nationwide depression about it was just running rampant all over the educational channels) and looking at the people waaayyy down below. Suddenly, a giant T-Rex (aka The Cloverfield Monster / Mothera / Mecha-Streisand / whatever the hell they imagine) pops up out of nowhere and scares the living bejeesus out of them. Jaime makes sure the girls know that she wants this performance to be believable and real, because a giant-monster only making “boom” rumbling noises while romping around a populated cityscape without any sort of prior panic or destruction reaching the eyes or ears of the girl’s characters is a completely legitimate setup. Just saying, you want a performance to feel real, probably a better idea to give them a more ominous and logistical buildup.
  
  As far as the performances, well, Christine started out well enough, but after her initial reaction to the monster she just went into this weird wheezing fit. It was almost as if in her head the scene was done, but no one in reality is calling cut. Damn it Chris, why can you not get to the place where you’re as good as I know you can be? Jessica once again kicked ass, insert usual praise here. Gabby also surprisingly wasn’t bad, her set-up left something to be desired but her reaction to seeing Mecha-Streisand was dead on the button.
  
  You know, Tai was on a very thin line after last week. One of two things would happen this week, either she would repeat her performance in an attempt to pry the #1 spot away from Jessica, or she would fail epically after thinking that she is leading lady material without having to try. After watching her Skills Challenge performance, I’d have to say she’s starting to drift towards the latter. I think I’ll let Jessica’s reaction when watching her performance speak for itself.
  
  
  
  
  
  Sierra is trying to get in touch with her inner onion and show her “layers”. Yet, she still spits out a performance not vastly dissimilar to her previous ones, and still does her weird trademark “constantly cover your mouth” scream. Basically, she went from passable to crap in 6 seconds flat.
  
  Stand-Outs: Jessica, Gabby
  Face-Palms: Sierra, Tai
  
  
• JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:
  
  The girl’s walk into Homa’s acting exercise for the week and he’s already pissed off. He’s staring daggers into each and every one of them, and has a pile of bricks by his side. This cannot end well.
  
  
  
  Ohhh shiiiiittt...
  
  
  He states that ever since the last elimination, he wakes up pissed off. He thinks of how stupid and easy it is to get knocked out of this competition, and how the girls are shooting themselves in the proverbial foot. He singles Christine out in particular, and then the HOMA RAGE really starts a-building when he says that he’s sick of seeing Sierra in the damn elimination room, so sick that he wants to vomit (lovely visual there, Homa). The HOMA RAGE then hits maximum capacity: “So when I came in today and saw this pile of bricks, the first thing he wanted to do was take one of these bricks and—” The RAGE overtakes him and he proceeds to HURL THE BRICK AT THE GIRLS. At the end of The Big Bad Wolf Massacre, there were six bricks thrown, and no survivors. The man they called Homa, has not been seen since. The case today, remains open…
  
  Okay, seriously, it’s revealed when the girls rightfully flip the fuck out and dive for cover that they notice the brick bounce around. Now that everyone has shit their pants, Homa reveals that it’s an obvious prop. Yeah, obvious now. He has emotionally scarred each and every one of these girls for life, they will have recurring nightmares every time they turn in a poor performance of Homa straight up hurling bricks at their heads with the intent to crack their skulls like a Faberge egg.
  
  Anyway, this week Homa’s lesson is about working with props. He reveals a various assortment of props such as shovels, pipes and fire axes, along with their real-life counterparts. He wants them to get a feel for the weight of the real one before picking up the much lighter prop version, so as to get a feel for how the prop could be realistically handled.
  
  Everyone did fine in this, and then Tai came up. I don’t know what she was thinking, but it wasn’t about a performance this week Tai, it was about believably handling a prop weapon. She gets up there with a fire axe and starts wailing away at the floor, completely forgetting about selling the weight property of the axe because it’s bouncing off the floor like a damn super-ball.
  
  Homa then paired them off and had them take turns hitting each other in the back with the various weapons and make the impact look believable. Gabby seemed to have the same problem as Tai during this, as she was too focused on “sneaking up behind” Jessica and “making faces” as Homa put it instead of just creeping up and wailing Jess in the back. Basically everyone except Jessica and Sierra had trouble overselling the weight of the object in question. However, they at least gave Homa what they wanted after he gave them notes, which is more than what could be said for Tai.
  
  If there was any doubt that Tai was falling into the trap of lackadaisical performances, it was burned with her epic failure when she went up with the purpose of hitting Christine in the back with a pipe. Homa didn’t pull punches after her first swing “Okay, the acting’s sucking because we’re worried too much about the hit.” So she tries again, and again makes a weird face which causes Homa to stop the scene mid-way through. She then tries again, and when she hits Christine, Chris doesn’t really carry the momentum realistically, which makes Tai completely quit on the scene and stand there with a “0_o” look on her face, completely forgetting that she has a lead pipe in her hands. It’s only when Homa says “TAI! C’mon!” that she realizes that she’s stopped selling the pipe and tries to correct it. Facepalm material at its finest, it seems that the “wonderful” Tai just got wrecked by the reality check train.
  
  Stand-Outs: N/A
  Face-Palms: Tai
  
  
• DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:
  
  Paranormal Activity ain’t got nothing on this weeks Director’s Challenge! No, but seriously, this weeks DC has the girls dealing with a vengeful spirit. The setup is that the girls are painting a piece of furniture in the attic of their new home. As they’re painting, the paint can is yanked from their hand by an unknown force, before an otherworldly struggle ensues. This is to climax in the finale, where the girls are flung across the attic by the entity via Matrix inspired wire-work. The main thing in this that the girls probably don’t realize is they’re technically crafting two performances, their own and the demon entity that’s attacking them.
  
  I think they keep putting Jessica first because they know that she will set a great bar for the rest of the girls. While she didn’t disappoint, I felt as though her entity didn’t have an intent with its movements. It just seemed all over the place, which made it hard to get a feel for where it was.
  
  Christine. You know, she’s been my dark horse in this competition for a reason. I know that there are strokes of brilliance in her performances, but they can never get culled together to form a masterpiece. Well, after distancing herself from the other girls when they received their scripts the night before and mapping out her performance, I can finally say that Christine has fulfilled the potential I knew she always had. She was absolutely fantastic, it was easily the best performance in a Directors Challenge—strike that, it was one of the best performances I’ve seen period. She chose to have her ghost attempt to drag her in one direction, and the body control she exhibited made this intent and movement believable without a shadow of a doubt. The thing about Chris’s performance that really made it stand out to me is that she—either purposefully or unknowingly—gave her ghost an intent. Near the end of the scene, she had it “drag” her in the same direction she flies off in, almost as if it wanted to get her over there for some reason. This in turn gives the viewer a much more vivid idea as to where the specter actually is in relation to the victim character. It was something so subtle, but yet so perfect and so ingenious.
  
  It became obvious that no one would top that performance, but the two performances that followed it weren’t even “passable”. Sierra comically flopped around like she was either a fish on a boat deck, or being attacked by the evil tickle monster. I shall let the sound guy’s expression say the rest for me.
  
  
  
  
  
  Tai meanwhile, went three-for-three in epic failures. There was no intent, just a bunch of falling down and screaming, followed by a comical “kung-fu” pose as she flew through the sky. Well, at least the Wachowski Brothers would be proud.
  
  Stand-Outs: Christine
  Face-Palms: Tai, Sierra
  
  
• THE AXE:
  Those called to the Grand Ballroom for judgment were as follows:
  
  Jessica was named Week 6’s Leading Lady, with Christine finally snatching the Runner-Up spot.
  
  Sierra and Tai were this week’s Bottom 2 performers, and ultimately it was (in a split decision for the first time)…
  …
  …
  Sierra who got AXED. I actually have nothing snarky to say this week. Looking back, she completely blew my expectations away from what I expected from her after her first performances. For that, I have to commend her. It proved to me that she has the drive to improve herself, and understand her weaknesses. Not to mention, as the youngest actress in this competition at 22, I think she could actually become a formidable actress some day if she keeps up the drive to better herself that she gained here. I honestly wish her all the best.
  
  

Rankings after Week 6:

1. Jessica (3-0-0; 6) 1.100
2. Tai (1-2-1; 5) .833
3. Christine (0-2-1; 5) .667 [previously 4th]
4. Gabby (1-1-2; 3) .550
   
   
5. Sierra (1-1-3; 2) .450
6. Sarah (0-1-1; 3) .425
7. Allison (0-1-1; 3) .425
8. Karlie (0-0-1; 2) .200
9. Rosanna (0-0-1; 1) .100
10. Lana (0-0-0; 0) .000

[KEY: Wins—Immunities/Runner Ups—Bottom Two’s; Total Times Safe (no ballroom appearance/not up for elimination if called. Called for bad performance while holding immunity results in no TTS)
Power Average:
Total number of wins {1.0 for win, 0.5 for immunity/runner up} divided by weeks, plus 0.TTS (I.E. +0.6 for Jessica; 0.5 for Tai, Christine; 0.3 for Gabby]

Gabby finally falls to her rightful place as Christine leapfrogs her thanks to her epic performance in the Director’s Challenge. Jessica meanwhile has actually managed to eclipse 1.000, because she’s apparently just that freakishly good. To be honest, I’m surprised that my RSAs (Random Statistical Algorithms) actually reflect the happenings on the show rather accurately. Shame that we’re getting to the point where they will eventually be useless. Oh RSAs, we hardly knew ye.