SAW 3D: What Became Of The 2010 "Scream Queen"?

So two months ago I finally got around to watching SAW 3D (aka The Final Chapter) thanks to an EPIX weekend-long channel preview on FiOS. The main thing I wanted to see was the type of role Gabrielle West—winner of the second season of Scream Queens in which the grand prize landed her the role—had in the film, since they actually gave the previous winner a pretty intriguing side-character. So, lets see the role that Gabby secured.

WARNING: Gratuitous Over-The-Top Violence Ahead



…That’s it? You trained her up, you spouted all this bullshit about “how versatile of an actor you have to be to win this competition” and THAT’S what she does? Scream, cry and plead before her head gets a permanent tread-mark run through it? Are you serious?


“…What a fucking waste of my goddamn time.”

The killer is, not only did the original SQ winner Tanedra Howard do more in her first appearance in the series, she makes a recurring appearance in the VERY NEXT scene. That’s… that’s just laughable! Tanedra has more to do in this film than Gabby West! Breakout role my ass, Gabby just became Saw cannon fodder.

To me, I almost feel like this is a statement on how the judges overrated Gabby on the show. I mean, lets be honest, you couldn’t exactly cast Jessica Ortiz as the girlfriend of a skinhead, but I don’t get why they weren’t competing for the role of Sydney, who’s at the Jigsaw Trap Survivor Support Group in the same scene immediately after Gabby’s that Tanedra makes her appearance in.



That was a small role that required everything Homa had trained the girls on, and could’ve very well been considered a small breakout role. I also think it would’ve been a clever little wink to the fans of the show to have Tanedra and Gabby’s characters interact with each other, especially given the fact that Tanedra’s character calls Sydney right out on the carpet for not truly having to sacrifice anything in order to escape her trap. A character who has to recount the trap she had endured, complete with short flashback, seems like it should’ve been the most obvious choice for the role of the second VH1 Scream Queen. Nope, instead what I joked would happen with Tanedra happens in the second go-round with Gabby—pure body count ammunition.

Perhaps Tanedra, and her prominence in this film, is the reason I find this so funny. I said (many times) in my coverage of SQ2 that Gabby was terribly overrated by the judges, and that she really had a hard time quickly channeling the required emotions while also being on top of the technical aspects of the scene. Perhaps the filmmakers of Saw 3D picked up on this as well and as such gave her such a terribly weak role when they made sure to give the winner of the first SQ a follow up role. It just seems like a complete and total waste of the time of everyone involved with SQ2 to give the winner of the competition such a throw-away role. What a damn shame.

Scream Queens 2—The Finals (Week 8)

by XdarksparkX
Originally written: September 28, 2010
[Images courtesy of VH1.com]

Seven shitty actresses have fallen, the top three actresses remain… this week, all the proverbial marbles are on the line; it’s put up or shut up. In the end, one of the final three will in all likelihood become just another forgettable victim in the massive Saw body count. It’s Scream Queens 2—Week Eight: The Finals!

Week 8

• ELIMINATION CHALLENGE (SEMI-FINAL):
  
  Changing things up right out of the gate, as the first challenge is not a Skills Challenge, but rather a Director’s Challenge where the lowest performer will be eliminated on the spot. This is serious girls, one mess up and everything that you worked for will go down the toilet faster than Mr. Hanky. (I’m staring intently at you, Jessica. One flub and your power trip comes to a more disappointing end than the Philadelphia Flyers 2010 Stanley Cup Playoff run).
  
  Tim reveals that they will basically be copying the Semi-Final Challenge from Season 1. The challenge is named The Gauntlet, and it will entail a long chase scene that will be done in one continuous take. The only difference between this challenge and it’s predecessor from the first season is the location; instead of a dark, seedy apartment complex the chase will take place in a sun strewn park playground. THE HORROR OF DAYLIGHT SHALL OVERTAKE YOU! (They actually started filming after dark, so I'll stop knocking that).
  
  There are a lot of complex technical aspects (Hi Gabby), and transitions from “unsuspecting, to terrorized, to an ass-kicking heroine in the end.” (Man, Homa’s still kicking after eight weeks in hell). Blah blah blah…ugh, enough. You get it, it going to be hard and complicated. Let’s just skip the bullshit and get to the performances.
  
  Like the sun rising in the east, Jessica is once again up first. This challenge is particularly hilarious because we see all three judges react to the scene as they watch it as well. Jessica’s first mistake that they “calmly” pointed out? She didn’t get in the damn car fast enough after the stalker on the phone says “I’m the guy who’s watching you walk to your car”. Seriously, would you really be that nonchalant about that kind of comment in real life Jess? Gah. She corrects this in her second take, but I’m not actually believing her when the stalker pops out and grabs her from the back seat of her car. She’s much to reserved, infact she doesn’t even scream. Not to mention, she oversells her leg injury after tripping him up so much I thought she was auditioning to be a WWE wrestler. Your leg is not broken Jessica, stop dragging it around like you’ve got a lead weight in your shoe. Her third and final take she seemed to pull everything together, but what does it say when the powerhouse of the competition has problems with this scene?
  
  My dark horse Christine is up second, and her first take she makes almost the exact same mistake that Jessica made: hesitance to act on the urgency of the situation. Why do I have to say this twice? Someone is watching you from afar and knows your cell phone number, get your ass in the goddamn car, you dumb broad! She was also admittedly boring as hell in her setup while walking to her car. She completely turns it around in her second take after Tim’s direction, and she added a very realistic and subtle improvisation that made the setup ten times better. She then corrects what I thought Jessica failed at and completely panicked when the stalker grabs her, going as far to honk the horn out of reactive instinct. It was all going so well, and then Homa in his vast wisdom made the great point of “I don’t know what it is, but I’m just not pulling for [her character] to win.” Sadly, he was right. As good as her second take began, there was just something missing in the finale of Christine’s second take. It was almost too… light, I guess is the word I’ll use here. There was no power to her taking this guy out, it was all just… light. However, she does her finale much better on her final take, with a much better emphasis on the situation that has just occurred. It would seem the dark horse isn’t out of the race just yet.
  
  Then there’s Gabby. For someone who’s as technically inept as she is she didn’t do as bad as I thought. She was overly frightened during the beginning of her first take, and she was the only one of the three to actually outrun the camera but other than that her performance was solid during her third take. Very good showing from her given her previous track record with technical scenes.
  
  All three girls put out above average performances, but in the end only two could move on while one got the axe, and the person who tasted cold steel was…
  …
  …
  CHRISTINE. NOOOOOOO! Damn it! She was so damn close! (heavy sigh) Well, I hope this can open doors for her and that she can go far, because in my opinion she has more potential than any of the other girls. I saw it from day one, and I’m sticking to that belief even now as she walks away. Best of luck to you Christine Haeberman, I hope to see you acting again soon.
  
  
  ---
  
  

  So now it’s down to just two. Jessica and Gabby, a knockdown-drag out fight to see who will win it all and appear in Saw 3D. To the death—NO, to the pain!
  
  
  Before their final challenge, the girls are picked up via limo and driven to Lionsgate headquarters. Inside, they are greeted with a personalized greeting from Billy, Jigsaw’s iconic puppet (voiced terribly by some n00b stand-in who sounds nothing like Tobin Bell) welcoming them to the Final Challenge and congratulating them for getting this far. Video game voice replacement guy also tells them that their final challenge will be their take on the situation Lawrence Gordon found himself in in the original Saw film when he answers the phone and hears his wife and daughter on the other line begging him to help them, unaware that he is helplessly shackled to a pipe in an industrial bathroom.
  
  They return to the house after picking up their final challenge scripts for one last exercise with Johnny H.
  
  
• JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:
  
  Homa starts the final meeting off like only he can. He asks the girls if they had a big meeting at Lionsgate, and both nod excitedly with grins lining their faces. “Yeah? Forget about it!” Bam, he takes them back to reality so fast they can do nothing but hang their heads in shame. “Focus on the task at hand! Take a look at each other, if you are not better than the person across from you, you are going home!” I will miss you and your epic rage Homa, if only you had your own show.
  
  So this exercise is different in that they will actually be doing the scene that is in the final challenge. In essence, this is their practice run. This is their only run where they can mess up without any negative repercussions (other than Homa raging at them of course). One of the girls will be the character they will play the next day, and the other will be the character’s sister who’s on the phone in the hands of Jigsaw. Jessica’s up first, and right away Homa shows that just because this is the last class, no one will skate thorough this unscathed. “The start of the scene, you wake up, you’re chained to a wall—you’re a prisoner. Where is that? All I’m getting is this [vacantly looks around without reacting to the scenes setting]. How long does it take you to realize you’re not where you should be?” He then tells them to switch it up, and Gabby is basically just as awful, you can just see the rage festering in Homa’s eyes as he watches her.
  
  They both didn’t fully commit to the scene for whatever reason, and Homa makes damn sure that they both understand this. “I need a series of realizations here. Your sister is on the phone saying ‘don’t let me die’ and you say you won’t. You made a promise to someone, you don’t know where they are and you’re chained to a wall!” He wants them to show him the desperation that comes with saving their own life in order to save their sisters, and he wants the full commitment to make him feel like the situation isn’t a damn high-school musical, but an actual life and death situation.
  
  Second tries, and Jessica’s performance feels like the biggest rip-off of Cary Elwes in the original Saw. All she’s missing is the goofy accent leak moments and it would’ve been straight from the movie. I’m not necessarily saying that’s bad, it’s just… interesting. Homa’s final task for them is that at the end of the scene, he needs the primal rage of a survivor, someone who is a victim no longer (ohh snap, and he comes full circle with everything back to the very first class! Homa, you sick genius, you).
  
  Gabby’s second try is up, and Homa calls her on ‘attempting to cry’. (boy, he’s just hitting every mark from everything he’s shown them, this is pretty damn epic). “Is the character trying to cry? No, the character is trying to solve a problem!” Then, Homa does what he does, he hits that emotional water valve and the tears come a flowing from Gabby like the Hoover freaking Dam just collapsed. From there, the transition to the final line of “I will kill you” becomes nothing but a formality, and Gabby delivers it with believable angst and power. Game, set and match, the mighty Homa’s work for Scream Queens 2 is complete.
  
  
• FINAL CHALLENGE:
  
  For the final Director’s Challenge, Tim states that his job was to merely prepare and coach them to work with any director. He reveals that for the final act they will have a guest director. The man who sat in the chair for Saw II, III and IV, the one and only Darren Lynn Bousman! Hell to the mother eff’n yes! Full Sail U alum in the hizzouse!
  
  Ahem, anyway, Jess is once again first out of the gate. She does exactly what she did in the Semi though, she does not look like she’s actually aware and present when it comes to her situation. Darren calls her on this, and gives her tons of notes for her second take. To her credit, she did exactly what he asked and was a more “proactive character” in her second take. Then, the call came in. “You’re not asking her if she’s at the mall buying clothes, you need to be urgent.” BWHAHAHAHA! Oh man, I had no clue Darren had that kind of snark in him! That was freaking brilliant. Jessica then stalks around, shouting that she’ll kill whoever is doing this, repeating “I’ll kill you” over and over like an annoying sound byte on a child’s toy. Darren once again calls her on it, and tells her not to pace back and forth but to actually try to find a way out. In the end, he thinks that she got where he wanted and he noted how well she takes direction.
  
  Gabby steps up to the plate, and in so many words whiffs on her first take. Darren didn’t even let her get 30 seconds into her scene before slicing it off. She was far too alert for his liking, especially for a character who was supposed to have been mildly drugged beforehand. Of course, after some direction it’s no problem, but her second take has no progression from sorrow to rage and she just kind of jumps from one to the other. Again, some direction rights that ship and she finishes strong and Gabby of all people finally fully commits herself to a scene and completely rages out in the finale. Nice.
  
  Like last year, this final is really up in the air. Either one of them could win, but there can be only one. Without further ado, the winner of Scream Queens 2 is…
  …
  …
  !!GABBY!! Wait, what? The fuck just happened here? How–when–who… how? Talk about upset of the year. Seriously, on consistency alone I probably would’ve gone with Jessica, but it is what it is. Jessica was right, it is really hard for Hispanics to break out in Hollywood. I think there was some judgmental bias possibly floating around, I mean they praised Gabby since the first challenge even though her performance was average. Never-the-less, congratulations to the underdog. It will be interesting to see how she fares in Saw 3D…
  

Final Rankings (links to each girl’s IMDb page embedded in their name)

1. Gabby (2-1-2; 4) .757
2. Jessica (3-1-0; 7) 1.200
3. Christine (0-1-2; 5) .571
4. Tai (1-2-2; 5) .785
5. Sierra (1-1-4; 2) .450
6. Sarah (0-1-2; 3) .425
7. Allison (0-1-2; 3) .425
8. Karlie (0-0-1; 2) .200
9. Rosanna (0-0-1; 1) .100
10. Lana (0-0-0; 0) .000
    

[KEY: Wins—Immunities/Runner Ups—Bottom Two’s; Total Times Safe (no ballroom appearance/not up for elimination if called. Called for bad performance while holding immunity results in no TTS)
Power Percentage:
Total number of wins {1.0 for win, 0.5 for immunity/runner up} divided by weeks, plus 0.TTS (I.E. +0.7 for Jessica; 0.5 for Christine; 0.4 for Gabby, etc.]

And thus ends another season of Scream Queens. Whether or not there will be a Scream Queens 3 now that the Saw franchise is coming to an end is unseen. All that I know is that if there is, you can be damn sure that I will be watching from opening night until the finale, and I will be sharing the acting failure induced lulz and epic HOMA RAGE moments until the inevitable end.

The 2010 VH1 Scream Queen -- Gabrielle West

...
...
... BEWARE THE SACRILEGE!

Scream Queens 2—Week 7

by XdarksparkX
Originally written: September 21, 2010
[Images courtesy of VH1.com]

Six shitty actresses have fallen, four suspect actresses remain… this week the girls get in touch with their inner Emily Rose as they get possessed by the spirit of Hannibal Lector (not really, but kinda). It’s Scream Queens 2—Week Seven!

WEEK 7:

• SKILLS CHALLENGE:
  
  This week, the girls will be possessed by a ghost in the Skills Challenge. The setup is that they’re attempting to contact a murdered woman via a séance, a woman who’s reputation staked her as the town tramp (lovely). The girls are to call on the spirit, have it enter their being, state its case and then exit their body. It’s a constant transitional performance basically.
  
  Jessica played it off as if the girls reputation was not unfounded, like this girl really was the village bicycle (everyone’s had a ride!) She was almost overly sensual, I think Tai said it best in the confessional: “Whoa, Jessica. This is a little ‘bow-chicka-bow-wow’” And Christine comes along and takes cues from that but toned down physically, however her dialog is so vulgar it would make a sailor take notice and say “…damn.”
  
  Tai was the one who actually thought “maybe this girl wasn’t the town slut, maybe some guy or girl just gave her that bad rep.” (Gasp! Deep story thinking and logistics are finally being used in this challenge!) She took this idea, and jacked it 425 feet into Ashburn Alley. Out of the park, walk off home-run. Her performance was simply outstanding. Is this a possible resurgence after her epic reality check last week?
  
  As for Tai’s antithesis Gabby, she seemed too focused on her choice to cough when the spirit entered and exited her that it kinda pulled me out of her performance. It was like she was being choked by the spirit when it entered her, and then trying to throw it up when it eventually left.
  
  Stand-Outs: Tai
  Face-Palms: N/A
  
  
• JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:
  
  Doing only what the Great Homa can, John wants the girls to explore the state of inebriation. “As a Scream Queen, odds are that you’re going to have scenes where you’re drinking” …and then attempting to run away from a lumbering seven-foot machete-wielding psychopath, only to fall on your ass and not get the fuck back up. Ahem, sorry, that ticks me off every goddamn time I see it. Anyway, Homa wants the girls to play plastered, without actually being plastered (because that would just be cheating… and unprofessional on a set, but mainly cheating).
  
  After a few “drunken speech” tips, Homa sets up a scenario where at an office party, he is Christine’s boss and she has to drunkenly admit to being in love with him. At first, she flounders a bit, but she gets exactly what he wanted on her second try. He tells Tai to do the same, and the mood goes from lighthearted to HOMA RAGE in a matter of Tai overplaying her drunken state by crashing into an adjacent table. “KEEP THIS REAL, YOU!” You could just feel the anger-venom Homa spat out when he said this, “This is not a comedy, so why are you overplaying it!? I heard you were terrific with Jaime, so let’s go!” Damn, I don’t know if I can recall someone being on Homa’s shit list in back-to-back classes. Maybe I spoke too soon about her resurgence…
  
  Homa changes things up when Gabby steps up. This time, he’s supposed to be her boyfriend who’s always abused her, and thanks to a little alcoholic empowerment, she’s finally going to give him a piece of her mind. What Gabby seems to miss are two critical concepts, “drunk” and “empowerment” because she displayed neither.
  
  Jessica steps up and really nails down what Homa wanted, the back and forth between him and her felt very realistic, pretty much everything from her slurring of words to her off-balance stature was extremely believable. It’s a shame that after not being anywhere near the Bottom 2 for seven weeks, her head’s started to balloon so big I wonder if Falcon Heene is hiding in there.
  
  In a Shyamalan-ian twist, Gabby starts crying and says that she knows she could’ve done better when asked about it by Homa. He asks if he puts her back up there, will she give him better and she states a resounding “yes”, so he lets her try again. This straight up pisses in Jessica’s Trix cereal, because she swears that now that Gabby has seen her performance she knows what to hit in order to get what Homa wants. Jess starts to BAAWW about how “it’s not fair that certain people get second chances” She says that everyone else gets one shot and they have to bring it on that one shot, blah blah blah. By that logic Jess, second takes, reshoots and editing aren’t “fair” either. To be honest, this seems like her “I have to work harder because I’m Hispanic” demons are creeping up to the surface after watching a saltine cracker like Gabby get a second shot (not like you needed it Jessica, you were still kick ass). I think that she also knows that at this stage in the competition all it takes is one successful power play before she finds herself down a goal with a minute left to play.
  
  
  
  "Baaaawwwww!"
  
  
  Stand-Outs: Jessica, Gabby (second try)
  Face-Palms: Tai, Gabby (first try)
  
  
• DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:
  
  Somewhere in Baltimore State Hospital, Hannibal Lector is grinning ear-to-ear at the prospect of this weeks Director’s Challenge. The girls are to play a psychopathic murderer locked in a modern day asylum, revealing the details of their killing spree to their very own Clarice Starling. The Jodie Foster for the girls is Heath Freeman, who’s most notable stint according to his IMDb page was a 7 episode run on Raising The Bar. Hey, at least SQ is a job, right?
  
  Jessica, once again is out go-to setup girl. She tries on a Brooklyn accent for her character, and completely flubs her first take because she’s apparently more worried about how the accent is coming out than her lines and the actual performance. Tim gave her the opportunity to drop it after the first take, but she stuck with it and it was definitely for the better. She’s like a machine; she maybe take a bit to get booted up in the first take, but by the second take, she’s running as smooth as can be.
  
  Christine went a different route, playing a more innocent and less sexually charged insane. It came off extremely well… until the end where she was supposed to scare Heath and sounded more-or-less like a Saturday morning cartoon villain. Ugh, damn it Chris you were this close! Her BFF in the house Gabby meanwhile, manages to absolutely destroy all comers on her first take, which left me pleasantly surprised. This is the best I’ve seen Gabby in any Director’s Challenge. Way to save your best stuff for the last leg.
  
  And then there’s Tai. She was flat-out all over the place in her first take. Yes, the character is crazy but there has to be a transition, there has to be. Tim reiterates exactly this to her after her first take, saying that she’s making to many choices that are disjointed from one-another. Her answer to this? A f’n crotch shot. That’s right, Tai just flashed her shit all over town like she was Sharon Stone or something.
  
  
  
  “…and lets face it Sid, your mother is no Sharon Stone!”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Stand-Outs: Gabby, Jessica
  Face-Palms: Tai, Christine
  
  
• THE AXE:
  All of the girls were called to the Grand Ballroom for the judgments that follow:
  
  Gabby was named Week 7’s Leading Lady, with Jessica's undefeated streak finally coming to an end as she settles for Runner-Up.
  
  Christine and Tai were this week’s Bottom 2 performers, and ultimately it was…
  …
  …
  Tai who got AXED. Round and round the house they went, as Tai tormented poor Gabby. The bitch, she thought it ‘twas all fun… POP! goes the ego.
  

Rankings after Week 7:

1. Jessica (3-1-0; 7) 1.200
2. Gabby (2-1-2; 4) .757 [previously 4th]
3. Christine (0-1-2; 5) .571
   
   
4. Tai (1-2-2; 5) .785
5. Sierra (1-1-4; 2) .450
6. Sarah (0-1-2; 3) .425
7. Allison (0-1-2; 3) .425
8. Karlie (0-0-1; 2) .200
9. Rosanna (0-0-1; 1) .100
10. Lana (0-0-0; 0) .000

[KEY: Wins—Immunities/Runner Ups—Bottom Two’s; Total Times Safe (no ballroom appearance/not up for elimination if called. Called for bad performance while holding immunity results in no TTS)
Power Percentage:
Total number of wins {1.0 for win, 0.5 for immunity/runner up} divided by weeks, plus 0.TTS (I.E. +0.7 for Jessica; 0.5 for Christine; 0.4 for Gabby]

Gabby finally comes to play and leapfrogs two spaces, though with the final week looming that pretty much means nothing. Though I must say, it is interesting that up until Tai, the Power Averages were right on par with the eliminations, and Tai’s elimination could be chalked up to necessity rather than overall performance within the competition. Not bad for an algorithm that took me all of 5 minutes to think up. So, the Final Three are set, and at the end of next week, one of them will be apart of one of the most abused dead-horses in the business. Everything they’ve been working for; all the uncooperative cauldrons, all the bricks thrown at their heads, all the maggots inadvertently swallowed, it was all to culminate to this. Next week, it’s Scream Queens 2—The Finals!

Scream Queens 2—Week 6

by XdarksparkX
Originally written: September 14, 2010
[Images courtesy of VH1.com]

Five shitty actresses have fallen, five suspect actresses remain… this week, the girls get a dose of handheld camera syndrome, as they more-or-less reenact scenes from Cloverfield and Paranormal Activity. It’s Scream Queens 2—Week Six!

WEEK 6:

• SKILLS CHALLENGE:
  
  Back into the maw, we get a crudely rendered pre-visualization during the explanation of this weeks Skills Challenge. The reason for the pre-vis? Because for this Challenge, the girl’s co-star will be a big-ass green tarp. Yup, they’re doing a greenscreen’d monster scene this week.
  
  The scene setup is that their characters will be in the penthouse of a skyscraper, admiring a low flying plane (umm…bad taste? Maybe I just think that because the 8th anniversary of 9/11 just passed and the nationwide depression about it was just running rampant all over the educational channels) and looking at the people waaayyy down below. Suddenly, a giant T-Rex (aka The Cloverfield Monster / Mothera / Mecha-Streisand / whatever the hell they imagine) pops up out of nowhere and scares the living bejeesus out of them. Jaime makes sure the girls know that she wants this performance to be believable and real, because a giant-monster only making “boom” rumbling noises while romping around a populated cityscape without any sort of prior panic or destruction reaching the eyes or ears of the girl’s characters is a completely legitimate setup. Just saying, you want a performance to feel real, probably a better idea to give them a more ominous and logistical buildup.
  
  As far as the performances, well, Christine started out well enough, but after her initial reaction to the monster she just went into this weird wheezing fit. It was almost as if in her head the scene was done, but no one in reality is calling cut. Damn it Chris, why can you not get to the place where you’re as good as I know you can be? Jessica once again kicked ass, insert usual praise here. Gabby also surprisingly wasn’t bad, her set-up left something to be desired but her reaction to seeing Mecha-Streisand was dead on the button.
  
  You know, Tai was on a very thin line after last week. One of two things would happen this week, either she would repeat her performance in an attempt to pry the #1 spot away from Jessica, or she would fail epically after thinking that she is leading lady material without having to try. After watching her Skills Challenge performance, I’d have to say she’s starting to drift towards the latter. I think I’ll let Jessica’s reaction when watching her performance speak for itself.
  
  
  
  
  
  Sierra is trying to get in touch with her inner onion and show her “layers”. Yet, she still spits out a performance not vastly dissimilar to her previous ones, and still does her weird trademark “constantly cover your mouth” scream. Basically, she went from passable to crap in 6 seconds flat.
  
  Stand-Outs: Jessica, Gabby
  Face-Palms: Sierra, Tai
  
  
• JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:
  
  The girl’s walk into Homa’s acting exercise for the week and he’s already pissed off. He’s staring daggers into each and every one of them, and has a pile of bricks by his side. This cannot end well.
  
  
  
  Ohhh shiiiiittt...
  
  
  He states that ever since the last elimination, he wakes up pissed off. He thinks of how stupid and easy it is to get knocked out of this competition, and how the girls are shooting themselves in the proverbial foot. He singles Christine out in particular, and then the HOMA RAGE really starts a-building when he says that he’s sick of seeing Sierra in the damn elimination room, so sick that he wants to vomit (lovely visual there, Homa). The HOMA RAGE then hits maximum capacity: “So when I came in today and saw this pile of bricks, the first thing he wanted to do was take one of these bricks and—” The RAGE overtakes him and he proceeds to HURL THE BRICK AT THE GIRLS. At the end of The Big Bad Wolf Massacre, there were six bricks thrown, and no survivors. The man they called Homa, has not been seen since. The case today, remains open…
  
  Okay, seriously, it’s revealed when the girls rightfully flip the fuck out and dive for cover that they notice the brick bounce around. Now that everyone has shit their pants, Homa reveals that it’s an obvious prop. Yeah, obvious now. He has emotionally scarred each and every one of these girls for life, they will have recurring nightmares every time they turn in a poor performance of Homa straight up hurling bricks at their heads with the intent to crack their skulls like a Faberge egg.
  
  Anyway, this week Homa’s lesson is about working with props. He reveals a various assortment of props such as shovels, pipes and fire axes, along with their real-life counterparts. He wants them to get a feel for the weight of the real one before picking up the much lighter prop version, so as to get a feel for how the prop could be realistically handled.
  
  Everyone did fine in this, and then Tai came up. I don’t know what she was thinking, but it wasn’t about a performance this week Tai, it was about believably handling a prop weapon. She gets up there with a fire axe and starts wailing away at the floor, completely forgetting about selling the weight property of the axe because it’s bouncing off the floor like a damn super-ball.
  
  Homa then paired them off and had them take turns hitting each other in the back with the various weapons and make the impact look believable. Gabby seemed to have the same problem as Tai during this, as she was too focused on “sneaking up behind” Jessica and “making faces” as Homa put it instead of just creeping up and wailing Jess in the back. Basically everyone except Jessica and Sierra had trouble overselling the weight of the object in question. However, they at least gave Homa what they wanted after he gave them notes, which is more than what could be said for Tai.
  
  If there was any doubt that Tai was falling into the trap of lackadaisical performances, it was burned with her epic failure when she went up with the purpose of hitting Christine in the back with a pipe. Homa didn’t pull punches after her first swing “Okay, the acting’s sucking because we’re worried too much about the hit.” So she tries again, and again makes a weird face which causes Homa to stop the scene mid-way through. She then tries again, and when she hits Christine, Chris doesn’t really carry the momentum realistically, which makes Tai completely quit on the scene and stand there with a “0_o” look on her face, completely forgetting that she has a lead pipe in her hands. It’s only when Homa says “TAI! C’mon!” that she realizes that she’s stopped selling the pipe and tries to correct it. Facepalm material at its finest, it seems that the “wonderful” Tai just got wrecked by the reality check train.
  
  Stand-Outs: N/A
  Face-Palms: Tai
  
  
• DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:
  
  Paranormal Activity ain’t got nothing on this weeks Director’s Challenge! No, but seriously, this weeks DC has the girls dealing with a vengeful spirit. The setup is that the girls are painting a piece of furniture in the attic of their new home. As they’re painting, the paint can is yanked from their hand by an unknown force, before an otherworldly struggle ensues. This is to climax in the finale, where the girls are flung across the attic by the entity via Matrix inspired wire-work. The main thing in this that the girls probably don’t realize is they’re technically crafting two performances, their own and the demon entity that’s attacking them.
  
  I think they keep putting Jessica first because they know that she will set a great bar for the rest of the girls. While she didn’t disappoint, I felt as though her entity didn’t have an intent with its movements. It just seemed all over the place, which made it hard to get a feel for where it was.
  
  Christine. You know, she’s been my dark horse in this competition for a reason. I know that there are strokes of brilliance in her performances, but they can never get culled together to form a masterpiece. Well, after distancing herself from the other girls when they received their scripts the night before and mapping out her performance, I can finally say that Christine has fulfilled the potential I knew she always had. She was absolutely fantastic, it was easily the best performance in a Directors Challenge—strike that, it was one of the best performances I’ve seen period. She chose to have her ghost attempt to drag her in one direction, and the body control she exhibited made this intent and movement believable without a shadow of a doubt. The thing about Chris’s performance that really made it stand out to me is that she—either purposefully or unknowingly—gave her ghost an intent. Near the end of the scene, she had it “drag” her in the same direction she flies off in, almost as if it wanted to get her over there for some reason. This in turn gives the viewer a much more vivid idea as to where the specter actually is in relation to the victim character. It was something so subtle, but yet so perfect and so ingenious.
  
  It became obvious that no one would top that performance, but the two performances that followed it weren’t even “passable”. Sierra comically flopped around like she was either a fish on a boat deck, or being attacked by the evil tickle monster. I shall let the sound guy’s expression say the rest for me.
  
  
  
  
  
  Tai meanwhile, went three-for-three in epic failures. There was no intent, just a bunch of falling down and screaming, followed by a comical “kung-fu” pose as she flew through the sky. Well, at least the Wachowski Brothers would be proud.
  
  Stand-Outs: Christine
  Face-Palms: Tai, Sierra
  
  
• THE AXE:
  Those called to the Grand Ballroom for judgment were as follows:
  
  Jessica was named Week 6’s Leading Lady, with Christine finally snatching the Runner-Up spot.
  
  Sierra and Tai were this week’s Bottom 2 performers, and ultimately it was (in a split decision for the first time)…
  …
  …
  Sierra who got AXED. I actually have nothing snarky to say this week. Looking back, she completely blew my expectations away from what I expected from her after her first performances. For that, I have to commend her. It proved to me that she has the drive to improve herself, and understand her weaknesses. Not to mention, as the youngest actress in this competition at 22, I think she could actually become a formidable actress some day if she keeps up the drive to better herself that she gained here. I honestly wish her all the best.
  
  

Rankings after Week 6:

1. Jessica (3-0-0; 6) 1.100
2. Tai (1-2-1; 5) .833
3. Christine (0-2-1; 5) .667 [previously 4th]
4. Gabby (1-1-2; 3) .550
   
   
5. Sierra (1-1-3; 2) .450
6. Sarah (0-1-1; 3) .425
7. Allison (0-1-1; 3) .425
8. Karlie (0-0-1; 2) .200
9. Rosanna (0-0-1; 1) .100
10. Lana (0-0-0; 0) .000

[KEY: Wins—Immunities/Runner Ups—Bottom Two’s; Total Times Safe (no ballroom appearance/not up for elimination if called. Called for bad performance while holding immunity results in no TTS)
Power Average:
Total number of wins {1.0 for win, 0.5 for immunity/runner up} divided by weeks, plus 0.TTS (I.E. +0.6 for Jessica; 0.5 for Tai, Christine; 0.3 for Gabby]

Gabby finally falls to her rightful place as Christine leapfrogs her thanks to her epic performance in the Director’s Challenge. Jessica meanwhile has actually managed to eclipse 1.000, because she’s apparently just that freakishly good. To be honest, I’m surprised that my RSAs (Random Statistical Algorithms) actually reflect the happenings on the show rather accurately. Shame that we’re getting to the point where they will eventually be useless. Oh RSAs, we hardly knew ye.

Scream Queens 2—Week 5

by XdarksparkX
Originally written: August 31, 2010
[Images courtesy of VH1.com]

Four shitty actresses have fallen, six suspect actresses remain… this week, the girls find out what its like die and come back 28 Days Later in an all-female Horror-Spaghetti Western. It’s Scream Queens 2—Week Five!

WEEK 5:

• SKILLS CHALLENGE:
  
  So this week, the girls will be playing zombies in the Skills Challenge. They will be bolted into a coffin where they will have to Falcon Punch their way out, before making their way to the mark where squibs (small explosive blood bags attached to the girl’s outfits) will go off, emulating getting shot to death… or “re-death” I suppose. Jaime also reveals that from here on out there will be no immunity granted to the winner of the Skills Challenge, which basically makes the Skills Challenge worthless in the sense of the competition, and now only exists for the lulz it will inevitably produce.
  
  During Jessica’s performance, Sierra sounds almost amazed that the squibs were not only loud, but made it look like she actually got shot. Hmm, maybe that’s because that’s the point? Speaking of Jessica, she was once again one of the solid performances, though she did play it a little safe by going with the stereotypical “brain nommer” choice for a zombie. Tai meanwhile is talking all kinds of shit about everyone else’s performances, saying “some of the girls were trying to be serious, but it just came off as comedic.” Well, that’s part of what camp is, Tai. I mean, have you not seen clips of the 1960s Batman show? Dictionary.com defines the term campy as “consciously artificial, exaggerated, vulgar, or mannered; self-parodying, esp. when in dubious taste.” Usually in movies, it’s shit that the characters take seriously that is absolutely ridiculous to the audience. If only she wasn’t actually good during her performance, I could’ve reamed her out some more… damn it.
  
  Anyway, Sarah decides that she needs a “bold choice” in order to stand out, apparently not realizing that the last time someone purposely tried to stand out it was Karlie, and she was axed for making batshit insane choices in the name of “standing out”. So Sarah punches out of the coffin, and proceeds to act like she’s the long lost rocker-chick of Wayne’s World. No… just, no. The look of repulsion on Jaime’s face when she witnesses this is just pure gold, it was like someone just shoved the festering carcass of a skunk up her nose.
  
  
  
  What the--EEEEWWWWW!
  
  
  Biggest face palm of the challenge is once again courtesy of Gabby, who is once again too focused on where she’s supposed to be than her actual performance. She gazes off into space with a vacant look on her face, looking down every two steps to see where her mark is, blatantly waiting for the squib to go off as she shuffles closer to it. (heavy sigh) It’s really not even worth commenting on.
  
  Stand-Outs: Jessica, Tai
  Face-Palms: Sarah, Gabby
  
  
• JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:
  
  The lesson the Supreme Tri-Mage Jedi Master known as John Homa will teach the girls this week is improv comedy. He’s requested the assistance of Joe Wengert of Upright Citizens Brigade, basically saying that he knows this is going to be a train wreck and needs someone versed in improv there to keep him sane. He warns the girls that comedy is hard… well, it’s hard for unfunny people Homa. For naturally funny people, it couldn’t be easier, but we’re not dealing with people who can be naturally funny, are we?
  
  The set up is that all of the sketches will take place in a world where monsters not only exist, but are integrated into society, so that humans have to deal with them everyday. Tai and Christine are up first, and the situation is that Christine is to be Frankenstein, and Tai being the officer writing him up a ticket for illegal parking. Chris really got the sent up shits creek without a paddle, I mean the Frankenstein (“It’s pronounced ‘Frahnkensteen’” sorry, Gene Wilder’s genius on the brain) monster has so little in the way of character, I found it hard to think up something funny that would be considered acceptable behavior in the “real world”. Naturally, she does what pretty much anyone would do, she plays it off like how the classic monster she knows would act. However, Joe makes the point of “when you get a ticket, what do you do? Since this is a world where Frankenstein monsters can go to jail, you obviously can’t push her or anything.” After they give Chris notes, they reverse roles and Tai naturally gets praise and thinks that she’s just amazing for playing it so much better than Chris. Get the hell off your high horse Tai, they told you exactly what they wanted. Congratulations, you are able to do well when someone else before you tries and gets notes on what they did wrong. Don’t break your damn arm patting yourself on the back.
  
  Gabby is laughing, completely embarrassed at what she’s doing and obviously afraid to actually commit to it. If you embarrass easily, how the hell do you expect to be an actress? You’re constantly putting yourself out there and doing embarrassing things, I mean are you going to burst out laughing if you have to talk or interact with a CG character that will be added in post-production? Not like her partner Sarah was any better, she sounded more like a damn chicken or a Chihuahua than the werewolf she was supposed to be. Homa even calls her on it, “Growl! You’re a werewolf, not a chicken!”
  
  Stand-Outs: …
  Face-Palms: Gabby, Sarah
  
  
• DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:
  
  For this Director’s Challenge, they’re amping things up. This time they will be shooting on the Western backlot at Universal Studios Hollywood, which is pretty bad ass if you ask me. However, the real important difference for this challenge is that all of the girls will be playing different parts, as opposed to each girl playing the same character like in previous challenges.
  
  The weak ass storyline for this one is two outlaw vampire cowgirls (Christine and Sarah) roll into the town of Undeadwood (haw haw, i c wut u did thar!), which is already home to a Vampire posse (Tai, Jessica, Gabby and Sierra) who will not have some random folk coming in and holding dey turf! Tai is extremely happy because she got Betty, the leader of the posse and a character who “likes to control the situation and people, much like myself.” [breaks out the novelty rubber stamps, stamps screen:] BITCH.
  
  Christine thinks she can own her role, especially after she gets into full costume with the fangs and what not. She “feels bad-ass.” Too bad that on the first shot of the day (her and Sarah’s arrival to Undeadwood) she comes off completely flat. No, don’t fall apart now Chris. Tai is in the background running her damn mouth again, saying that Christine couldn’t scare a butterfly. Umm, have you ever tried scaring a butterfly Tai? If it’s asleep, it’s not that easy. Chris I felt eventually got that cold indifference in her voice after a few takes, but apparently everyone else thought otherwise. It didn’t help that she was botching lines and attempting to act tough by spitting after her line via Tim’s suggestion.
  
  Sarah even has the balls to knock Christine, yet when it was her turn to shine in a scene where Gabby is dunking her repeatedly into a water trough, the dumb broad starts coughing and saying she needs a minute because she swallowed the water. Protip Sarah: do not inhale the water. Instead, keep mouth and nose closed until resurface. Speaking of Gabby, she’s still caught in the web of filmmaking technicality, and worrying to much about it instead of committing herself not only to the moment, but to the character and its emotions. Her scene where she recites the line “no one messes with my dinnah!” before looking at the bottle next to her, bringing it up, and then smashing it down was just so robotic and scripted, it was laughable. There was no true emotion, she recited the line, she smashed the bottle, the end. She was ecstatic when Tim said “excellent” after her final take, completely ignorant of the fact that he probably meant “that was excellent compared to your last three shitty takes.”
  
  I would say something about Tai, but her “holier-than-thou” attitude is just really grinding my gears, to the point where I find it hard to give her legitimate credit for anything she does well because its compounded by her confessional where she thinks she’s acting’s gift to this competition. So I’ll just say that she was good and move on. Jessica was also good (as usual) and took Tim’s direction extremely well.
  
  Stand-Outs: Jessica, Tai
  Face-Palms: Sarah, Gabby
  
  
• THE AXE:
  Those called to the Grand Ballroom for judgment were as follows:
  
  Tai was named Week 5’s Leading Lady (great, so she can hop back on her Horse and ride off into the sunset with Dudley Do-Right), no one got Runner-Up this week.
  
  Christine, Sierra, Sarah and Gabby were this week’s Bottom Four performers (holy hell!), and ultimately it was…
  …
  …
  Sarah, Ms. “Sha-ca-go Ma-dol”, who got AXED. Think of the bright side Sarah, not only do you get to go home and see your daughter, but you’ve furthered your modeling career by winning the most bullshit challenge on the show.
  
  

Rankings after Week 5:

1. Jessica (2-0-0; 5) .900
2. Tai (1-2-0; 5) .900
3. Gabby (1-1-2; 2) .500
4. Sierra (1-1-3; 2) .500
5. Christine (0-1-1; 4) .500
   
   
6. Sarah (0-1-1; 3) .425
7. Allison (0-1-1; 3) .425
8. Karlie (0-0-1; 2) .200
9. Rosanna (0-0-1; 1) .100
10. Lana (0-0-0; 0) .000

[KEY: Wins—Immunities/Runner Ups—Bottom Two’s; Total Times Safe (no ballroom appearance/not up for elimination if called. Called for bad performance while holding immunity results in no TTS)
Power Average:
Total number of wins {1.0 for win, 0.5 for immunity/runner up} divided by weeks, plus 0.TTS (I.E. +0.5 for Tai, Jessica; 0.4 for Christine, 0.2 for Gabby, Sierra]

Obviously there were no movers this week since we had four freaking people in the basement. That coupled with the elimination of immunity doesn’t screw up my random statistical algorithms, not at all (grrr…). To be honest, this week was painfully predictable. Sarah’s time was numbered for a few weeks now, and her inhaling of the water pretty much just sealed her inevitable fate. Gabby still is tragically inconsistent, and could possibly be a mainstay in the basement if she doesn’t get her shit together. It will be interesting to see how Tai follows up her best week ever next week. Did we witness the signs of a surge by the runner-up, or was it merely a one-hit wonder week that will have her struggling to repeat? Only time will tell…

Scream Queens 2—Week 4

by XdarksparkX
Originally written: August 24, 2010
[Images courtesy of VH1.com]

Three shitty actresses have fallen, seven suspect actresses remain… this week, we find out who can slut it up better than the rest. It’s Scream Queens 2—Week Four!

WEEK 4:

• SKILLS CHALLENGE:
  
  The girl’s walk into this Skills Challenge only to be met by Jaime and Debbie Rochon, proverbial 90s scream queen and producer of Fangoria Magazine. It is here that it’s revealed that this isn’t an actual skills competition, it’s a goddamn modeling shoot, with the winner not only gaining immunity, but a photo spread in Fangoria. Jaime, bless her heart, tries once again to up-sell just how important this challenge is, like it a “skill” that’s extremely critical if these girls want to become a true Scream Queen. Okay, seriously, when has any legit scream queen had to pose for the cover of a movie like this? No, seriously. I dare you to go on IMDb and find me at least 10 well known horror films that have shots where the Scream Queen’s modeling prowess was critical in helping sell the film. While you’re at it, why don’t you send a unicorn-riding leprechaun my way. Much obliged.
  
  I will say this, at least they learned from their epic mistake last season. Last season they had a similar challenge, only they made it the Director’s Challenge. James Gunn would later state in an interview that it was his least favorite part about working on the show, since it’s really not what he does and he has no legit experience or expertise in the matter.
  
  Anyway, there’s really not much to say about this Challenge, there’s such minimal acting involved that it would be pointless to go over this. Allison bawws because she gets the role of the mother of a possessed child, and therefore her outfit isn’t slutty enough to her standards. “How am I supposed to be sexy in this blue potato sack” she croons. Well Allison, there’s actually a difference between “sexy” and “they call you 7-11 cause you’re open 24/7 slutty”, though you obviously think otherwise. In the end, Sarah ends up winning immunity (no, really!? The girl who said that she got into modeling first and then decided to pick up acting won the modeling challenge? Get outta town!) and that’s pretty much that.
  
  Stand-Outs: Acting talent? Where?
  Face-Palms: The challenge itself.
  
  
• JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:
  
  So at the end of the America’s Next Top Model Challenge, Jaime reveals that two of the girls are going to be changed. She points out Christine, basically because her superficial quotient was far too low for an aspiring Hollywood actress. She reveals that they are going to give both her and Sierra makeovers. They mainly did this to purely mess with Christine, who was freaking out about them trying to give her one of those ugly-ass pixie haircuts. In the end, they basically just styled Chris’s hair, and hacked most of Sierra’s off into a bob (the true lolz that this produced will come in a minute).
  
  So the girls have their weekly training session with Homi-Wan Kenobi, and he makes a mention of both girls new looks, but he really notices just how much of Sierra’s hair they sliced off. Sierra then goes into how much of a compliment it is for Homa to say that, how he’s so powerful and talented and… how flustered she gets just thinking about it now. Oh jeez, she’s crushing on Homa more than Molly Ringwald was crushing on Judd Nelson at the end of The Breakfast Club.
  
  Anyway, Homa introduces them to the random bar he’s set up (with these nits as your students, hitting the sauce is completely legit; take as many shots as you need to, man) and tells them that since this week is all about being sexy, they have to seductively make a margarita in order to seduce… him. Abusing the power, eh John? Do we expect any less from a demigod? No, we do not. Most of the girls are pretty grossed out by the prospect of seducing Homa, mainly because they attached him to this image of a quasi-father figure or something. Oh pshaw ladies, have we not versed ourselves in Greek mythology? Apparently Sierra already has, because she says—and I quote, “when I first heard we were seducing John I was like ‘ohh, my dream’s come true.’” Know what’s really disturbing? Right when she said that, I got a picture in my head of her slowly climbing on top of Homa, with the Disney song “A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes” playing in the background. (Disturbed shudder)
  
  Pretty much, none of them can take this challenge seriously. They all get up to the bar, and they all in one form or another botch a step in the mixing or burst out laughing, usually some form of both. There were two exceptions though. The first was Gabby, who basically stared Homa down like she wanted to tar and feather him in the town square. The second was Sarah, who pretty much cheated and had Homa lick some of the alcohol off of her finger, which pretty much sent most of the girls into an “Oh My Jesus” freak out.
  
  So after that fail-fest, Homa says that they were all pretending to be sexy, and he needs them to understand what hot looks like when you’re not trying to “play” hot, because whenever you try to play it, it looks wrong. It’s not about the slutty-ness of it, but more about the sensuality of it; the subtly of it without being so “OMG aren’t I just so sexxxay!?” The key move he teaches all of them is a slow clearing of the hair from one side of their face with the opposite hand (A move that Sierra can’t do anymore, because she doesn’t have the hair length for it! Cue teh lolz! Disappointed that it wasn’t funnier? Yeah, well… such is life). Not even the mighty Homa knows why this stupid move is hot, he just knows that damn it, it is.
  
  So in the end, Homa yells at Allison “RELAX YOUR FACE!”, says “Bam!” when Christine gets what he was talking about dead on, and pretty much kicks ass as only Homa can. The girls, well they more-or-less hit what he was trying to get them to go for, so I guess that’s good.
  
  Stand-Outs: N/A
  Face-Palms: N/A
  
  
• DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:
  
  For this Director’s Challenge the girls will have a unique co-star, a massive python named Bruce. Of course, Tai is deathly afraid of snakes and is pretty much flipping out at this point. The plot pretty much rips off the scene in From Dusk Till Dawn when Salma Hayek comes out and does her little striptease with a snake before trying to bite Quentin Tarantino’s face off. Only difference is that there’s only one person in the club, and that our girls are supposed to be part snake instead of a vampire. 21st century originality at it's finest!
  
  Bru Mueller plays the patron, so basically he’s got the job of sitting on his ass, delivering BS lines and watching seven girls put on their best “bimbo” for him. Lucky bastard.
  
  As far as the standouts go, Jessica was once again really damn good. She required minimal direction and is still very much holding her own this far into the game. Sierra, Christine and Sarah also seemed to do well from the sparse clips they showed of their performances. Credit also has to be handed to Tai, because even though she was freaking out about the prospect of working with the snake, you would never tell by her on-set demeanor. True professionalism at its finest.
  
  And as for the failures, well Allison thought that she was just going to rock this Director’s Challenge (yeah, the same way she rocked last week’s skills challenge… oops). However, she subsequently does the same bug-eyed thing Jaime told her to watch last week, and fails to live up to her yapping on a scale of epic proportions.
  
  Meanwhile, Gabby once again managed to not listen to direction. Tim kept saying “wait for the front lights to come on, not the back light” and yet—like the sun rising in the east—Gabby would start moving when the back light hit. She then proceeded to deliver her line about giving Bru “all the attention he deserves” while sitting in the chair at the other end of the stage not looking at him, instead of at the pole while facing him where the mark is designated. Un-freaking-believable, this girl couldn’t hit a mark if it was a dartboard painted on an elephant’s ass. How is she still here again?
  
  Stand-Outs: Jessica
  Face-Palms: Gabby, Allison
  
  
• THE AXE:
  Those called to the Grand Ballroom for judgment were as follows:
  
  Jessica was named Week 4’s Leading Lady, with no one getting the Runner-Up spot apparently.
  
  Allison and Gabby were this week’s Bottom 2 performers, and ultimately it was…
  …
  …
  Allison, Ms. All Talk/No Result, who got AXED. The eyes killed you Ali, and that’s probably why you were cast as a vacant shadow to promote Apple's product.

Rankings after Week 4:

1. Jessica (2-0-0; 4) .900
2. Tai (0-2-0; 4) .650
3. Gabby (1-1-1; 2) .575
4. Sierra (1-1-2; 2) .575 [previously 6th]
   
5. Christine (0-1-0; 4) .525
6. Sarah (0-1-1; 3) .425
   
   
7. Allison (0-1-1; 3) .425
   
8. Karlie (0-0-1; 2) .200
9. Rosanna (0-0-1; 1) .100
10. Lana (0-0-0; 0) .000

[KEY: Wins—Immunities/Runner Ups—Bottom Two’s; Total Times Safe (no ballroom appearance/not up for elimination if called. Called for bad performance while holding immunity results in no TTS)
Power Average:
Total number of wins {1.0 for win, 0.5 for immunity/runner up} divided by weeks, plus 0.TTS (I.E. +0.4 for Christine, Tai, Jessica; 0.3 for Sarah; 0.2 for Gabby, Sierra]

So the hierarchy stays more-or-less the same after Week 4; the top three are still intact even with Gabby’s dreadful Director’s Challenge performance. The biggest mover is obviously Sierra, who two weeks ago was scraping the bottom of the barrel hoping to find a miracle. I guess there was something in that old barrel after all. And even though she’s closer to the bottom now than before, my dark horse Christine is still hanging in there with a great percentage. If only she could win a challenge (or better yet, a challenge and immunity), she would leapfrog at least two spots with ease.

As a final note, I’m sure it would be easy to declare Jessica the far and away winner right here, since she’s won 2 of the 4 weeks now. However, one must remember that out of the eight weeks, last years winner Tanedra only won Leading Lady once, scored immunity twice, and was in the bottom two on Week Seven. We’ve only reached the half way point—there’s still plenty of time for the mighty to fall…

Scream Queens 2

by XdarksparkX

Originally written: August 18, 2010
[Images courtesy of VH1.com]

Scream Queens is one of those shows that I got hooked on by sheer happenstance while flipping through channels and coming across one of VH1’s weird ‘noon premieres’ in 2008. Essentially, 10 aspiring actresses compete each week in 3 challenges (technically it’s two, with an acting class/exercise with bad-ass John Homa being the third) all in the hopes of being the last actress standing and being rewarded with a role in Saw VI. What really drew me into this show was the fact that it was—at its core—an acting competition, and that the judges (Shawnee Smith, the aforementioned demigod John Homa, and James Gunn) actually weren’t afraid to lay into these fly-by-night dime-a-dozen’s if they absolutely sucked ass. Seeing them do that, especially as we watch the Megan Fox’s of the world slowly but surely complete a hostile takeover of our screens, can only leave us acting purists (the scarce few of us left) grinning from ear-to-ear.

A second season of Scream Queens recently premiered on VH1, with the gold at the end of the rainbow being a role in Saw 3D this time around. (The final Saw in the franchise, there is a God!) 10 new aspiring actresses, and two new judges. Jaime King (really… really?) as the new ‘Former Scream Queen Mentor Person’ takes over for Shawnee Smith, while James Gunn’s replacement in the director’s chair is uh… Tim Sullivan, who according to IMDb has directed Driftwood and 2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams… okay then, if only I had heard of you before, Tim.

Before I start my recaps of the last two weeks and the most-recently aired third week, let’s get one thing straight: John Homa is your God. Disagreeing with anything that comes from the mouth of the genius that is Homa is not only blasphemous, but sacrilegious, and you will burn in the fires of his RAGING FURY for all eternity. Beware the sacrilege!

Ahem, anyways… lets meet our ten aspiring actresses! Our first hopeful future starlet likes long walks on the beach, Piña Colada’s and getting caught in the rain…



ALLISON
26 – Hickory, NC
Professional dancer, aspiring actress, biggest claim to fame is being an “iPod girl” (i.e. a shadow puppet)... Yup, that’s pretty much all that was said.


CHRISTINE
28 – Porterville, CA
She does children’s birthday parties, so we can assume that she’s already got the whole “immersing yourself in playing make believe” down, but can she impress when her audience is over the age of 5?


GABBY
24 – Santa Fe, NM
Started acting a few years ago. She came out to LA, realized it was hard and that she would be poor for a good long while, and moved back to New Mexico. Now a few years older and wiser (but mainly older, this is Hollywood babe), she’s hoping to give it another shot.


JESSICA
24 – Bronx, NY
“I’ve studied acting for two years, but I haven’t had a big role.” (NO! Really!? Get outta here, ya bum. Back of the line…) Thinks being Hispanic means that she has to work harder, which is probably true, but she’s completely ignoring the fact that Hollywood seems to consider them the more attractive minority to cast, since most can be passed off as tanned crackers.


KARLIE
29 – New York, NY
I have a feeling she will be the “forgotten black actress” in this season, because they didn’t bother to introduce her until it was her turn in the Skills Challenge.


LANA
28 – Santa Monica, CA
Her father is apparently Ron Underwood, director of Tremors and City Slickers. Just because daddy’s in the biz doesn’t mean you can act sweetheart, and there are no cheap passes on the Homa Line to H-Town.


ROSANNA
24 – Seattle, WA
Before getting into acting, she worked as “a church secretary by day and a go-go dancer by night.” I wish I could tell you I was joking, but I’m not… 0_o


SARAH
26 – Chicago, IL
She’s got a strong “Sha-ca-go” accent, this one does. Started modeling the same time she got into acting, but she was knocked up at 19 and well…here she is now I guess? Man, these intros are more bare bones than Calista Flockheart. (cue rim-shot; audience boos)


SIERRA
22 – Suffern, NY
Got into acting when she was very little (according to her – unreliable narrator) and horror is the “#1 genre she loves to watch”, so she’d love to win SQ2 so she could watch herself in Saw 3D and it could be her favorite horror movie. (…heavy sigh) I wish I could make this shit up…


TAI
26 – Chicago, IL
Thinks she has all that it takes and more to succeed in the biz, but has merely been a victim of Chicago’s “small market”.

(God damn! I just realized how flat-out awful some of these headshots are!)

WEEK 1 RECAP:

• SKILLS CHALLENGE:
  
  They don’t waste any time getting the girls into the first challenge, as not seconds after they arrive to the SQ house are they faced with Week 1’s skills challenge. In this challenge, the girls are to wake from a nightmare, realize something’s amiss and then get attacked from behind by a Freddy Kruger wannabe. The prize for doing well is earning a guaranteed “call-back” which makes the actress immune from being “axed”. Let me just say, when Jaime King is describing what it takes to be a Scream Queen, she hams that shit up so much it’s not even funny. The way she’s describing it, you’d think the Scream Queen role was the most taxing thing one can put themselves through as an actress. I get that she would have to do this, but there was just a point where I started rolling my eyes and saying “Yeah, because (last year’s winner) Tanedra did so much more than scream/plead/cry/yell throughout her appearance in Saw VI.”
  
  Jessica was up first, and set a pretty solid bar. The rest after that, pretty much sucked. Especially cringe-worthy was Sierra’s portrayal of waking up from a nightmare that apparently involves… good sex? I watched her clips at least three times and I still wonder if she got what her initial motivation was. She wakes up as if she literally just got off in the dream, it effectively killed the entire setup of the scene.
  
  They showed haphazard cuts of interspersed clips after a few performances, so I couldn’t really tell who was good and who wasn’t, but no one really caught my attention. What I could tell though was that Christine out of all of them had the best facial expression when realizing something’s amiss.
  
  The judges determine Gabby was the best and has won Week 1’s guaranteed call-back. I don’t know, she was up there, but for some reason I just thought Jessica was better. It doesn’t help that the judges really didn’t talk about Gabby’s performance, but rather her ‘aura’. I still give her the nod as a stand out, given the fact that the majority of the room played it like they were in a high-school play. They all also got their first taste of The Wrath of Homa, when he lays into them about how much time they wasted worrying about their significant other ‘Michael’ not being there. Heh heh, and the best part? His tolerance is only going to get shorter…
  
  Stand-Outs: Jessica, Gabby
  Face-Palms: Sierra
  
  
• JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:
  
  The girls first full-on taste of Homa’s bad-assery is him telling them that they have to recite the lines “I know what you are, and I’m not afraid of you. You won’t break me” with as much pure, raw rage as humanly possibly. Suffice to say, the girls all get up there and pussyfoot it. John’s not having any of it, and doesn’t even want to waste more than one word on them. The second he doesn’t believe them, he shouts “down” and points to the floor from whence they came. Down, ye feeble maggots! Thou art not worthy, if thou shall display such farce to the almighty Homa!
  
  None of them seem to know what it’s like to actually hate a person with every inch and fiber of their being, and if they did the idea of channeling that feeling went right out the window. So John, his adamantium claws fixing to unleash at any moment, reveals a collection of various pumpkins from behind a curtain. He places one of them upon the lone stool in the area, and starts beating the ever-loving Christ out of it with his baseball bat (Oh yeah, you can bet he always has that sucker on standby in his car). Naturally, the girls are all cowering in fear once they see the true power of this battle-station. Homa recites the lines, and pretty much everyone is waiting to see if he’ll start wielding the bat at the unsuspecting girls…
  
  But Homa is far above that, and with the magical prowess of a Supreme Tri-Mage, he turns off the “HOMA SMASH!” switch in his brain and tells them that is what pure rage is.
  
  Homa lets the girls attempt to connect with their inner Gallagher, yells at them for being pansies, and is more or less indifferent with how the lesson went. The two absolute failures out of everyone were Rosanna, who was blatantly putting on a meek façade of anger; and Lana, who looked more like a 2-year-old not getting her way in Toys R Us than someone who was filled with primal rage.
  
  Stand-Outs: …
  Face-Palms: Lana, Rosanna
  
  
• DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:
  
  Here we go, this is where shit really matters, this is what everyone’s been waiting for: The Director’s Challenge. The question of just how well these girls fare on a set and in front of a camera will be answered right here.
  
  The gist of the Director’s Challenge is that each week, the girls will shoot a pseudo-trailer for some D-Grade horror movie concept directed by our D-Grade director—err, I mean our highly talented director, Tim. In this week’s challenge, the girls will star in the trailer for Kiss of The Devil. One scene they’re in their underwear teasing some dude (or… girl?) over the phone, the next they’re flip out over finding a satanic alter in some random room in their house, and finally they’re yelling at nothing in particular while holding some sort of stone with a pentagram on it, daring the evil demon lurking to “come out and fight”. Yes, not even pseudo-trailers need an actual storyline behind them apparently.
  
  Out of all of them, Jessica and Christine seemed to take Tim’s direction the best. They understood his notes and actually gave him what he wanted. Jessica’s finale scene was a little weak, but really I think everyone except Christine missed the mark on that scene. There just wasn’t that believable anger in their eyes that there was with Christine, at least to me. Tai was also pretty good, but she looks like she could be that person that is so consistently solid she flies under the radar because her ups and downs aren’t as severe as some of the others.
  
  Sierra. Sierra, Sierra, Sierra. First challenge you act like you’ve just had the best wet dream of all-time and now you can’t deliver a believably seductive line in lingerie? What in the blue hell happened here? Shouldn’t this be the scene you shine in? I don’t know, her delivery was just… bad. She completely emphasized all the wrong parts on her last line. It was just… bad. She then, in the ‘discover the satanic alter’ scene, opens the door looking for her boyfriend, and is looking up for some reason, and then proceeds to deliver her line to the ceiling. It was just so… amateur. The kids in middle school drama clubs know better than that.
  
  And then, just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, Ms. Immunity herself walks in. Gabby would’ve been in the Bottom 2 easily had she not held immunity. First of all, she had started to lose her voice because the night before she was up with some of the other girls shouting and messing around for no damn reason. Second, any time Tim gave her direction, she had this look on her face as if he was speaking full-on Mandarin Chinese. Her expression more or less said, “Beat? Line? What are these strange and foreign words?” Third, she was so antsy she actually opens the door in the second scene and hit the poor guy with the clapboard. I just… oh man, this is why I value Director’s Challenges more than anything on this show, because had Lana not been so downright awful, I would’ve sent Gabby’s ass packing after that fiasco.
  
  Speaking of Lana, well… here’s how that goes: she came, she saw, she sucked. The end.
  
  Stand-Outs: Christine, Jessica
  Face-Palms: Gabby, Lana, Sierra
  
  
• THE AXE:
  Those called to the Grand Ballroom for judgment were as follows:
  
  Jessica was named Week 1’s Leading Lady, with Tai being this weeks Runner-Up.
  Gabby was called so the judges could hit home just how awful she was in the Director’s Challenge.
  
  Sierra and Lana were this week’s Bottom 2 performers, and ultimately it was…
  …
  …
  Lana, Miss Director-Child herself, who got AXED (and I don’t mean coated in the body spray). Goodbye, and good riddance.
  

WEEK 2 RECAP:

• SKILLS CHALLENGE:
  
  This week it’s all about being the “bad girl/villain”, so for this Skills Challenge the girls must be a vengeful witch who is casting a spell on someone from their past. This is interesting because these are the only limits they give them, so it’s up to the girls to choose who their witch wants to extract their supernatural revenge upon. If I was one of them, I would’ve had my character cast a spell on Sabrina for getting that TGIF lineup spot on ABC back in the day.
  
  Up first is Gabby, and her start is really… rough. Her finish however, is down right comical. After spewing her curse nonsense, she attempts to stir the giant stick in the big ass cauldron, only to get hung up on the fact that the stick is stuck. The straw that shatters the camel’s spine? She breaks character hung up on the fact that the damn cauldron isn’t cooperating, saying “Damn pot! Move!” Hilarious, just hilarious… if only this was a competition for a comedic actress.
  
  As far as standouts go, very few showed their merit. Christine was the far-and-above the standout in this, and rightfully won the guaranteed call-back. She decided to play a girl who’s stepsister had recently moved in and “taken over” her life. She was desperate, angst-ridden, and slightly demented—the perfect storm for the character. The other standout would be Tai, and while I didn’t really care for her choice to be Ms. Diva-Fashion Witch (mainly because it was more comical than disturbing), she was still—once again—one of the more solid performances.
  
  Sierra made an interesting choice that she just couldn’t pull together. Being a witch who had been left at the alter and looking for revenge, good idea. Putting a black and white tutu on your head and trying to pass it off as a veil… not so much, and her performance was extremely lackluster and whiny.
  
  Rosanna, the poor girl, looked lost. She started the scene, stared at the prop book for a few seconds and then just…dropped it. She froze like a frightened fawn staring down a Jeep Wrangler’s high beams. She then asks “…am I done yet?” (splat!) Yes child, you’ve more than paid the price for amnesia in front of a worldwide audience.
  
  Stand-Outs: Christine
  Face-Palms: Rosanna, Gabby, Sierra
  
  
• JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:
  
  Oh yes, it’s that time again children. No point in reciting it, you already know he’s better than you.
  
  This week, Homa has the girls face-off in a cage match where only words can be used to scar the opposition! …Okay, so the whole cage thing was bull, but the last part is serious. The girls objective when put into the hot seat is to convey to whomever is across from them that they intend to Hitchcock their ass (in other words, kill them).
  
  He starts off with Gabby in the hot-seat and Tai as her target. He gives her only the ABC’s to work with, the intent is to get the emotion behind the letters to project the desire to maim and kill. Gabby, in so many words, fails up until ‘K’ where she does well enough to make Homa raise the stakes. He now wants her to tell Tai how exactly she’s gonna kill her. Homa is pleased at the way she says she’s going to slit her throat, and tells her to sit back down.
  
  One by one, the rest follow suit. Some hit the mark, some miss it by twenty miles and a state line. Sierra once again gets under The Great One’s skin, and he looks like he wants to shatter his chair over his knee when she finally says everything that she thinks is powerful, doesn’t come out that way. Sarah then thinks that the whole point of the lesson is that “behind every woman, innocent or not, there’s a bad girl inside.” Um… or maybe he’s trying to teach you about the power of delivery. How much ‘bad girl’ can you portray with just words when you can only recite the fucking ABCs!? GAAH! It’s all about intent, you nit! INTENT!
  
  Jessica probably came up with the best line and actually held the perfect cold intent while she delivered it: “I’m going to kill you, because I know I can get away with it.” Even Homa said, and I quote, “that was chilling.” Hot. Damn. I think that’s the best compliment he’s given out… ever.
  
  Last up is Rosanna, but wait a minute—there’s no one to be Ro’s victim. Until… yes, yes, YES! Homa himself steps into the squared circle and sits down across from her. Oh, you better bring you’re A-game sweetheart, the big man himself has got a front row seat! “I’m not an attacker on other people” she says in her confessional. Then what in the turquoise hell are you doing here, on a reality show (that alone should say enough) looking for a horror film actress? “I hate you because you have everything I don’t,” she begins, “and I’m okay with that.” …and she then shoves the gun in her mouth, and blows straight through her cervical. Homa demonstrates last weeks lesson about rage in full effect, yelling at her to not be okay with it, and that he doesn’t give a shit what’s going through her head, she better just say it because the clock is ticking on her. He then goes into full HOMA RAGE mode and scares the ever-loving shit out of everyone else there, as he tries to coax something out of her mouth. Rosanna can simply not knock someone else down a peg, much less tell them that she’s gonna kill them. To get a simple and believable “I hate you” out of her, Homa has to resort to making fun of her delivery and saying “he’s getting his pillow fluffed” when she says the line. Hit the showers, meat! Come back when you’re ready to play with the big boys. Homa can do nothing but shake his head at the end of the lesson. The almighty one is not pleased.
  
  Stand-Outs: Everyone was actually pretty even
  Face-Palms: Rosanna, Sierra (shocking, right?)
  
  
• DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:
  
  The girls meet up with Tim for this weeks Director’s Challenge, where he tells them they are in the same studio where the cult-classic Leprechaun was filmed. $10 says none of these girls have even heard of Leprechaun, much less seen it.
  
  Anyway, their task this week is to hint at killing their boyfriend, while only talking about steak (SEE!? INTENT SARAH! Ahem, sorry) before actually doing the deed. Their boyfriend will be played by Trevor Wright, who I will not be familiar with until October 1st , when I see David Fincher’s The Social Network (although according to IMDb, he was also in Season 1’s Episode 2, but we know how shoddy random guest appearance credits are on the Db).
  
  As far as the good goes, I thought Allison actually had one of the best transitions. There was this certain way that she looked up as she was delivering the line right before she’s supposed to whirl around and slice Mr. Clueless that just… worked. You saw the entire thing in her eyes before she did it. Gabby also had a solid outing.
  
  And the bad… well, at least I get to mention Sierra in a more neutral light this time. She was bad, but it was more about her just not reaching deep enough to really get that transition from bubbly to evil. Aside from the fact that she looked like she was having sex with her steak (again with the ham-fisted sexy… that gives you “S-L” Sierra, what do you say we never see U and T?), it was just… clumsy. Meanwhile, Karlie, in her desperate need to stand out, actually takes a piece of the raw meat and eats it during her scene. Foodborne illness, here we come! Sarah meanwhile can’t say “marble fibers” due to her heavy accent, instead saying “marrbaauulll fibers”. It was so tragically funny, in that she obviously can’t help herself, but it was still absolutely awful. As for Rosanna, well she’s still too innocent, and she actually called “line” in the in the middle of her take. ‘Nuff said.
  
  Stand-Outs: Allison, Gabby
  Face-Palms: Rosanna, Karlie, Sarah
  
  
• THE AXE:
  Those called to the Grand Ballroom for judgment were as follows:
  
  Gabby was named Week 2’s Leading Lady, with Tai again nabbing the Runner-Up.
  Sarah was called in so they could knock her accent and how it takes her out of character.
  
  Sierra and Rosanna were this week’s Bottom 2 performers, and ultimately it was…
  …
  …
  Rosanna, Ms. Bubbly McBubbles, who got AXED. She may be a good actress in say, a Disney Channel original series, but they were looking for edge, and she simply couldn’t produce.
  

So that brings us here, to Week 3.

WEEK 3:

• SKILLS CHALLENGE:
  
  This week, the Skills Challenge has the girls getting their Zemeckis on and donning a motion-capture suit, in order to puppeteer a character on the projection screen behind the stage. Since there is obviously no dialog, they must convey the characters emotions and the story through their movements. You had me at “girls, this week you will shut the eff up and tell a story through body language” (sigh, if only Jaime had actually said that). Allison is flat out amazed by this technology, and says and I quote “Who gets to do this? Like…nobody!” Yep, nobody except the character actors in Polar Express and Beowulf; Andy Serkis in Lord of The Rings and King Kong… oh, and the people who work in this little multi-billion dollar industry that pioneered the technology, I think it’s called THE VIDEO GAME INDUSTRY! Allison also swears she has this challenge in the bag because she’s a dancer. Umm, I’m sorry, last I checked this was Scream Queens, not So You Think You Can Dance. It doesn’t matter if you move well if the movements don’t mean anything!
  
  It seems like what most (if not all) of the girls forgot is that this puppet has just randomly sprung to life. They want to jump into what the puppet would do in order to quickly get to the finale and the diving escape out the window, but it seems like most of them are rushing through the actual amazement of being alive for the first time. They’re forgetting the subtleties, like the fact that the character should be unfamiliar with its motor functions at first, and should be extremely curious about all of its movements in general. Meanwhile, Sarah specifically seemed to forget that this performance has to be akin to a stage production, in that your movements have to be slightly exaggerated in order for the audience (or in this case, the mo-cap suit) to draw the full emotion and intent (there’s that word again) out of your performance.
  
  Gabby then gets up on the stage, and proceeds to spend the majority of her performance looking up at the screen to see how it’s coming off. Really Gabby? I mean, really? I just—ugh, next! Allison, being the dancer that she is, is moving around with fluid and grace. What she seems to forget is that while she may be a dancer, her character is not, and she does shit that someone probably wouldn’t do unless they had some sort of gymnastic training. Front handspring stepout before diving out the window anyone?
  
  I have pretty much lost all faith in having a shining standout in this challenge until… Oh my Homa, Sierra actually came to play! When she begins her scene, she steps out of the cardboard box and actually wobbles, like she’s still getting acquainted to using her legs for the first time. Then, when a realizing how dark and unknown the attic is, she does the most basic thing that no one else had done. She goes back into the box where she knows its safe. I sat there, in front of my TV, jaw agape for at least two minutes. That was—dare I say—genius. It wasn’t groundbreaking, but she got the subtleties that I was talking about earlier. She got that the character was alive for the first time and unfamiliar with the world, and she played it off extremely well. She takes this Skills Challenge and the immunity that goes with it. Somewhere in Hell they’re playing ice hockey, and the Devil himself is figure skating to work.
  
  Stand-Outs: Sierra
  Face-Palms: Gabby, Allison
  
  
• JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:
  
  Guess who’s back… back again… Homa’s back… tell a friend.
  
  So this week our Jedi Master asks the girls to cry on cue, but he does not want sobbing. No, he wants controlled, tearful crying. He starts each one of them off, and none of them can get to that place. I think somewhere, he likes proving to them just how much they suck as actresses until he implores them with a nugget of his vast acting knowledge.
  
  After turning them all away, he says that they all need to stop trying to cry, to stop “trying to squeeze out one constipated little tear”, they need to get to the specificity of a thought that can get them to actually cry. To show them what he means, he calls Sierra back up to the hot seat. He tells her that her sister (who she’s extremely close to) is going to get hit by a car, with as much empathy as a goddamn Cyberdyne Terminator. He elaborates further on the scenario, and two or three sentences later… boom, more water then when the levees failed during Hurricane Katrina.
  
  One by one, he calls the other girls up and does the same, and one by one, Homa pulls his epic Jedi Mind Trick and completely wrecks every single one of them. Well, all but one. Karlie, in so many words, failed. She displeased the mighty Homa with her attempt to mini sob, and then her over-effort she put in at being sad. Well, Karlie did say she wanted to be noticed… too bad it was for being the only one to not give Homa what he wanted.
  
  Stand-Outs: N/A
  Face-Palms: Karlie
  
  
• DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:
  
  Maggots. This Director’s Challenge contains… maggots (cue shrieks of repulsion). Okay, got that out of your system girls? Good, because I don’t want to hear it again.
  
  In this scene, Tim has the girls come into their house, only to find the place a wreck. As they further explore the house, they come across a trail of maggots, which leads them to the decomposing body of a loved one. Hanging from the ceiling above the corpse is some sort of D-Movie hive of maggots, that will of course, burst and shower the actresses with thousands of the live creepy crawlies. Heh heh, win. Another note of interest, the girls can only use the word “no” in order to show their…oh what’s that word again, Sarah? Oh right, intent. They have to use one word to portray their disappointment, fear, disbelief and horror.
  
  Allison apparently forgets the fact that the corpse is in fact extremely decomposed, and immediately starts touching and hugging it upon discovery. This is exactly why you need to pump some undead body smell in there, Tim! She won’t want to touch that thing with a ten foot pole if it smells like it’s been festering. In some shape or form, I think all of the girls touched it. No, just no. I don’t care who it was supposed to be in the character you created, you are not touching that corpse. Besides, it’s at the point of decay where you can’t even recognize who it is, you’re not touching it.
  
  Anyway, Karlie is still trying her damndest to stand out. What she doesn’t realize is that she’s has stood out… for all the wrong reasons. This Director’s Challenge is no different. The emotion isn’t there in her lines (Tim used the perfect word in his note to her, “bland”), she didn’t really change up anything after Tim gave her his notes, and she did this weird “praise the Lord” shake with her hands facing out towards the sky when the maggots rained down on her. Fail, fail, fail.
  
  Sarah apparently had a huge fear of the maggots, but she was completely professional and did her scene without missing a beat, well with the exception of everything leading up to the maggots. She was absolutely awful in that regard, she rushed through everything because in the back of her head she knew that maggot time was creeping closer.
  
  STOP! …MAGGOT TIME!
  
  Ahem, sorry. Anyway, everyone else seemed pretty solid from what was shown. Sierra took a note from Tim and really ran with it, which just means that this is really her week I guess. She also had the best reaction to discovering the corpse. Jessica meanwhile took a handful of maggots in the mouth during her finale, which alone should’ve made her scene the winner purely because of the sheer gross-out factor it produced.
  
  Stand-Outs: Sierra, Jessica
  Face-Palms: Karlie, Sarah
  
  
• THE AXE:
  Those called to the Grand Ballroom for judgment were as follows:
  
  Sierra was named Week 3’s Leading Lady (HOLY HELL!), with Allison getting the Runner-Up.
  One note to Allison from Jaime was that Ali really needs to work on “softening her features” when taking criticism, because she totally bugged her eyes out when Jaime said that her choice to handspring out the window wasn’t the best choice (and by that, she meant it was a stupid choice).
  
  Karlie and Sarah were this week’s Bottom 2 performers, and ultimately it was…
  …
  …
  Karlie, Ms. Desperate To Stand Out, who got AXED. You stood out, it just wasn’t for the right reasons. Just another sufferer of horror’s “Early Black Victim” syndrome I suppose.
  

So now that we’re through three weeks, we can whip out records and random statistics in order to make things seem legit!

Rankings after Week 3:

1. Jessica (1-0-0; 3) .633
2. Tai (0-2-0; 3) .633
3. Gabby (1-1-0; 2) .533
4. Christine (0-1-0; 3) .467
5. Allison (0-1-0; 3) .467
6. Sierra (1-1-2; 1) .433
7. Sarah (0-0-1; 2) .200
   
   
8. Karlie (0-0-1; 2) .200
9. Rosanna (0-0-1; 1) .100
10. Lana (0-0-0; 0) .000

[KEY: Wins—Immunities/Runner Ups—Bottom Two’s; Total Times Safe (no ballroom appearance/not up for elimination if called. Called for bad performance while holding immunity results in no TTS)
Power Average:
Total number of wins {1.0 for win, 0.5 for immunity/runner up} divided by weeks, plus 0.TTS (I.E. +0.3 for Christine, Allison, Tai, Jessica; 0.2 for Gabby, Sarah; 0.1 for Sierra]

See? Aren’t random, nonsensical statistical algorithms fun when you can make up your own? Take that, Major League Baseball!

Now, the real question to ponder until next week: what is the true over/under for Sierra falling back into the basement? Vegas, tell me the odds!