Scream Queens 2—Week 5

by XdarksparkX
Originally written: August 31, 2010
[Images courtesy of VH1.com]

Four shitty actresses have fallen, six suspect actresses remain… this week, the girls find out what its like die and come back 28 Days Later in an all-female Horror-Spaghetti Western. It’s Scream Queens 2—Week Five!

WEEK 5:

• SKILLS CHALLENGE:
  
  So this week, the girls will be playing zombies in the Skills Challenge. They will be bolted into a coffin where they will have to Falcon Punch their way out, before making their way to the mark where squibs (small explosive blood bags attached to the girl’s outfits) will go off, emulating getting shot to death… or “re-death” I suppose. Jaime also reveals that from here on out there will be no immunity granted to the winner of the Skills Challenge, which basically makes the Skills Challenge worthless in the sense of the competition, and now only exists for the lulz it will inevitably produce.
  
  During Jessica’s performance, Sierra sounds almost amazed that the squibs were not only loud, but made it look like she actually got shot. Hmm, maybe that’s because that’s the point? Speaking of Jessica, she was once again one of the solid performances, though she did play it a little safe by going with the stereotypical “brain nommer” choice for a zombie. Tai meanwhile is talking all kinds of shit about everyone else’s performances, saying “some of the girls were trying to be serious, but it just came off as comedic.” Well, that’s part of what camp is, Tai. I mean, have you not seen clips of the 1960s Batman show? Dictionary.com defines the term campy as “consciously artificial, exaggerated, vulgar, or mannered; self-parodying, esp. when in dubious taste.” Usually in movies, it’s shit that the characters take seriously that is absolutely ridiculous to the audience. If only she wasn’t actually good during her performance, I could’ve reamed her out some more… damn it.
  
  Anyway, Sarah decides that she needs a “bold choice” in order to stand out, apparently not realizing that the last time someone purposely tried to stand out it was Karlie, and she was axed for making batshit insane choices in the name of “standing out”. So Sarah punches out of the coffin, and proceeds to act like she’s the long lost rocker-chick of Wayne’s World. No… just, no. The look of repulsion on Jaime’s face when she witnesses this is just pure gold, it was like someone just shoved the festering carcass of a skunk up her nose.
  
  
  
  What the--EEEEWWWWW!
  
  
  Biggest face palm of the challenge is once again courtesy of Gabby, who is once again too focused on where she’s supposed to be than her actual performance. She gazes off into space with a vacant look on her face, looking down every two steps to see where her mark is, blatantly waiting for the squib to go off as she shuffles closer to it. (heavy sigh) It’s really not even worth commenting on.
  
  Stand-Outs: Jessica, Tai
  Face-Palms: Sarah, Gabby
  
  
• JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:
  
  The lesson the Supreme Tri-Mage Jedi Master known as John Homa will teach the girls this week is improv comedy. He’s requested the assistance of Joe Wengert of Upright Citizens Brigade, basically saying that he knows this is going to be a train wreck and needs someone versed in improv there to keep him sane. He warns the girls that comedy is hard… well, it’s hard for unfunny people Homa. For naturally funny people, it couldn’t be easier, but we’re not dealing with people who can be naturally funny, are we?
  
  The set up is that all of the sketches will take place in a world where monsters not only exist, but are integrated into society, so that humans have to deal with them everyday. Tai and Christine are up first, and the situation is that Christine is to be Frankenstein, and Tai being the officer writing him up a ticket for illegal parking. Chris really got the sent up shits creek without a paddle, I mean the Frankenstein (“It’s pronounced ‘Frahnkensteen’” sorry, Gene Wilder’s genius on the brain) monster has so little in the way of character, I found it hard to think up something funny that would be considered acceptable behavior in the “real world”. Naturally, she does what pretty much anyone would do, she plays it off like how the classic monster she knows would act. However, Joe makes the point of “when you get a ticket, what do you do? Since this is a world where Frankenstein monsters can go to jail, you obviously can’t push her or anything.” After they give Chris notes, they reverse roles and Tai naturally gets praise and thinks that she’s just amazing for playing it so much better than Chris. Get the hell off your high horse Tai, they told you exactly what they wanted. Congratulations, you are able to do well when someone else before you tries and gets notes on what they did wrong. Don’t break your damn arm patting yourself on the back.
  
  Gabby is laughing, completely embarrassed at what she’s doing and obviously afraid to actually commit to it. If you embarrass easily, how the hell do you expect to be an actress? You’re constantly putting yourself out there and doing embarrassing things, I mean are you going to burst out laughing if you have to talk or interact with a CG character that will be added in post-production? Not like her partner Sarah was any better, she sounded more like a damn chicken or a Chihuahua than the werewolf she was supposed to be. Homa even calls her on it, “Growl! You’re a werewolf, not a chicken!”
  
  Stand-Outs: …
  Face-Palms: Gabby, Sarah
  
  
• DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:
  
  For this Director’s Challenge, they’re amping things up. This time they will be shooting on the Western backlot at Universal Studios Hollywood, which is pretty bad ass if you ask me. However, the real important difference for this challenge is that all of the girls will be playing different parts, as opposed to each girl playing the same character like in previous challenges.
  
  The weak ass storyline for this one is two outlaw vampire cowgirls (Christine and Sarah) roll into the town of Undeadwood (haw haw, i c wut u did thar!), which is already home to a Vampire posse (Tai, Jessica, Gabby and Sierra) who will not have some random folk coming in and holding dey turf! Tai is extremely happy because she got Betty, the leader of the posse and a character who “likes to control the situation and people, much like myself.” [breaks out the novelty rubber stamps, stamps screen:] BITCH.
  
  Christine thinks she can own her role, especially after she gets into full costume with the fangs and what not. She “feels bad-ass.” Too bad that on the first shot of the day (her and Sarah’s arrival to Undeadwood) she comes off completely flat. No, don’t fall apart now Chris. Tai is in the background running her damn mouth again, saying that Christine couldn’t scare a butterfly. Umm, have you ever tried scaring a butterfly Tai? If it’s asleep, it’s not that easy. Chris I felt eventually got that cold indifference in her voice after a few takes, but apparently everyone else thought otherwise. It didn’t help that she was botching lines and attempting to act tough by spitting after her line via Tim’s suggestion.
  
  Sarah even has the balls to knock Christine, yet when it was her turn to shine in a scene where Gabby is dunking her repeatedly into a water trough, the dumb broad starts coughing and saying she needs a minute because she swallowed the water. Protip Sarah: do not inhale the water. Instead, keep mouth and nose closed until resurface. Speaking of Gabby, she’s still caught in the web of filmmaking technicality, and worrying to much about it instead of committing herself not only to the moment, but to the character and its emotions. Her scene where she recites the line “no one messes with my dinnah!” before looking at the bottle next to her, bringing it up, and then smashing it down was just so robotic and scripted, it was laughable. There was no true emotion, she recited the line, she smashed the bottle, the end. She was ecstatic when Tim said “excellent” after her final take, completely ignorant of the fact that he probably meant “that was excellent compared to your last three shitty takes.”
  
  I would say something about Tai, but her “holier-than-thou” attitude is just really grinding my gears, to the point where I find it hard to give her legitimate credit for anything she does well because its compounded by her confessional where she thinks she’s acting’s gift to this competition. So I’ll just say that she was good and move on. Jessica was also good (as usual) and took Tim’s direction extremely well.
  
  Stand-Outs: Jessica, Tai
  Face-Palms: Sarah, Gabby
  
  
• THE AXE:
  Those called to the Grand Ballroom for judgment were as follows:
  
  Tai was named Week 5’s Leading Lady (great, so she can hop back on her Horse and ride off into the sunset with Dudley Do-Right), no one got Runner-Up this week.
  
  Christine, Sierra, Sarah and Gabby were this week’s Bottom Four performers (holy hell!), and ultimately it was…
  …
  …
  Sarah, Ms. “Sha-ca-go Ma-dol”, who got AXED. Think of the bright side Sarah, not only do you get to go home and see your daughter, but you’ve furthered your modeling career by winning the most bullshit challenge on the show.
  
  

Rankings after Week 5:

1. Jessica (2-0-0; 5) .900
2. Tai (1-2-0; 5) .900
3. Gabby (1-1-2; 2) .500
4. Sierra (1-1-3; 2) .500
5. Christine (0-1-1; 4) .500
   
   
6. Sarah (0-1-1; 3) .425
7. Allison (0-1-1; 3) .425
8. Karlie (0-0-1; 2) .200
9. Rosanna (0-0-1; 1) .100
10. Lana (0-0-0; 0) .000

[KEY: Wins—Immunities/Runner Ups—Bottom Two’s; Total Times Safe (no ballroom appearance/not up for elimination if called. Called for bad performance while holding immunity results in no TTS)
Power Average:
Total number of wins {1.0 for win, 0.5 for immunity/runner up} divided by weeks, plus 0.TTS (I.E. +0.5 for Tai, Jessica; 0.4 for Christine, 0.2 for Gabby, Sierra]

Obviously there were no movers this week since we had four freaking people in the basement. That coupled with the elimination of immunity doesn’t screw up my random statistical algorithms, not at all (grrr…). To be honest, this week was painfully predictable. Sarah’s time was numbered for a few weeks now, and her inhaling of the water pretty much just sealed her inevitable fate. Gabby still is tragically inconsistent, and could possibly be a mainstay in the basement if she doesn’t get her shit together. It will be interesting to see how Tai follows up her best week ever next week. Did we witness the signs of a surge by the runner-up, or was it merely a one-hit wonder week that will have her struggling to repeat? Only time will tell…

Scream Queens 2—Week 4

by XdarksparkX
Originally written: August 24, 2010
[Images courtesy of VH1.com]

Three shitty actresses have fallen, seven suspect actresses remain… this week, we find out who can slut it up better than the rest. It’s Scream Queens 2—Week Four!

WEEK 4:

• SKILLS CHALLENGE:
  
  The girl’s walk into this Skills Challenge only to be met by Jaime and Debbie Rochon, proverbial 90s scream queen and producer of Fangoria Magazine. It is here that it’s revealed that this isn’t an actual skills competition, it’s a goddamn modeling shoot, with the winner not only gaining immunity, but a photo spread in Fangoria. Jaime, bless her heart, tries once again to up-sell just how important this challenge is, like it a “skill” that’s extremely critical if these girls want to become a true Scream Queen. Okay, seriously, when has any legit scream queen had to pose for the cover of a movie like this? No, seriously. I dare you to go on IMDb and find me at least 10 well known horror films that have shots where the Scream Queen’s modeling prowess was critical in helping sell the film. While you’re at it, why don’t you send a unicorn-riding leprechaun my way. Much obliged.
  
  I will say this, at least they learned from their epic mistake last season. Last season they had a similar challenge, only they made it the Director’s Challenge. James Gunn would later state in an interview that it was his least favorite part about working on the show, since it’s really not what he does and he has no legit experience or expertise in the matter.
  
  Anyway, there’s really not much to say about this Challenge, there’s such minimal acting involved that it would be pointless to go over this. Allison bawws because she gets the role of the mother of a possessed child, and therefore her outfit isn’t slutty enough to her standards. “How am I supposed to be sexy in this blue potato sack” she croons. Well Allison, there’s actually a difference between “sexy” and “they call you 7-11 cause you’re open 24/7 slutty”, though you obviously think otherwise. In the end, Sarah ends up winning immunity (no, really!? The girl who said that she got into modeling first and then decided to pick up acting won the modeling challenge? Get outta town!) and that’s pretty much that.
  
  Stand-Outs: Acting talent? Where?
  Face-Palms: The challenge itself.
  
  
• JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:
  
  So at the end of the America’s Next Top Model Challenge, Jaime reveals that two of the girls are going to be changed. She points out Christine, basically because her superficial quotient was far too low for an aspiring Hollywood actress. She reveals that they are going to give both her and Sierra makeovers. They mainly did this to purely mess with Christine, who was freaking out about them trying to give her one of those ugly-ass pixie haircuts. In the end, they basically just styled Chris’s hair, and hacked most of Sierra’s off into a bob (the true lolz that this produced will come in a minute).
  
  So the girls have their weekly training session with Homi-Wan Kenobi, and he makes a mention of both girls new looks, but he really notices just how much of Sierra’s hair they sliced off. Sierra then goes into how much of a compliment it is for Homa to say that, how he’s so powerful and talented and… how flustered she gets just thinking about it now. Oh jeez, she’s crushing on Homa more than Molly Ringwald was crushing on Judd Nelson at the end of The Breakfast Club.
  
  Anyway, Homa introduces them to the random bar he’s set up (with these nits as your students, hitting the sauce is completely legit; take as many shots as you need to, man) and tells them that since this week is all about being sexy, they have to seductively make a margarita in order to seduce… him. Abusing the power, eh John? Do we expect any less from a demigod? No, we do not. Most of the girls are pretty grossed out by the prospect of seducing Homa, mainly because they attached him to this image of a quasi-father figure or something. Oh pshaw ladies, have we not versed ourselves in Greek mythology? Apparently Sierra already has, because she says—and I quote, “when I first heard we were seducing John I was like ‘ohh, my dream’s come true.’” Know what’s really disturbing? Right when she said that, I got a picture in my head of her slowly climbing on top of Homa, with the Disney song “A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes” playing in the background. (Disturbed shudder)
  
  Pretty much, none of them can take this challenge seriously. They all get up to the bar, and they all in one form or another botch a step in the mixing or burst out laughing, usually some form of both. There were two exceptions though. The first was Gabby, who basically stared Homa down like she wanted to tar and feather him in the town square. The second was Sarah, who pretty much cheated and had Homa lick some of the alcohol off of her finger, which pretty much sent most of the girls into an “Oh My Jesus” freak out.
  
  So after that fail-fest, Homa says that they were all pretending to be sexy, and he needs them to understand what hot looks like when you’re not trying to “play” hot, because whenever you try to play it, it looks wrong. It’s not about the slutty-ness of it, but more about the sensuality of it; the subtly of it without being so “OMG aren’t I just so sexxxay!?” The key move he teaches all of them is a slow clearing of the hair from one side of their face with the opposite hand (A move that Sierra can’t do anymore, because she doesn’t have the hair length for it! Cue teh lolz! Disappointed that it wasn’t funnier? Yeah, well… such is life). Not even the mighty Homa knows why this stupid move is hot, he just knows that damn it, it is.
  
  So in the end, Homa yells at Allison “RELAX YOUR FACE!”, says “Bam!” when Christine gets what he was talking about dead on, and pretty much kicks ass as only Homa can. The girls, well they more-or-less hit what he was trying to get them to go for, so I guess that’s good.
  
  Stand-Outs: N/A
  Face-Palms: N/A
  
  
• DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:
  
  For this Director’s Challenge the girls will have a unique co-star, a massive python named Bruce. Of course, Tai is deathly afraid of snakes and is pretty much flipping out at this point. The plot pretty much rips off the scene in From Dusk Till Dawn when Salma Hayek comes out and does her little striptease with a snake before trying to bite Quentin Tarantino’s face off. Only difference is that there’s only one person in the club, and that our girls are supposed to be part snake instead of a vampire. 21st century originality at it's finest!
  
  Bru Mueller plays the patron, so basically he’s got the job of sitting on his ass, delivering BS lines and watching seven girls put on their best “bimbo” for him. Lucky bastard.
  
  As far as the standouts go, Jessica was once again really damn good. She required minimal direction and is still very much holding her own this far into the game. Sierra, Christine and Sarah also seemed to do well from the sparse clips they showed of their performances. Credit also has to be handed to Tai, because even though she was freaking out about the prospect of working with the snake, you would never tell by her on-set demeanor. True professionalism at its finest.
  
  And as for the failures, well Allison thought that she was just going to rock this Director’s Challenge (yeah, the same way she rocked last week’s skills challenge… oops). However, she subsequently does the same bug-eyed thing Jaime told her to watch last week, and fails to live up to her yapping on a scale of epic proportions.
  
  Meanwhile, Gabby once again managed to not listen to direction. Tim kept saying “wait for the front lights to come on, not the back light” and yet—like the sun rising in the east—Gabby would start moving when the back light hit. She then proceeded to deliver her line about giving Bru “all the attention he deserves” while sitting in the chair at the other end of the stage not looking at him, instead of at the pole while facing him where the mark is designated. Un-freaking-believable, this girl couldn’t hit a mark if it was a dartboard painted on an elephant’s ass. How is she still here again?
  
  Stand-Outs: Jessica
  Face-Palms: Gabby, Allison
  
  
• THE AXE:
  Those called to the Grand Ballroom for judgment were as follows:
  
  Jessica was named Week 4’s Leading Lady, with no one getting the Runner-Up spot apparently.
  
  Allison and Gabby were this week’s Bottom 2 performers, and ultimately it was…
  …
  …
  Allison, Ms. All Talk/No Result, who got AXED. The eyes killed you Ali, and that’s probably why you were cast as a vacant shadow to promote Apple's product.

Rankings after Week 4:

1. Jessica (2-0-0; 4) .900
2. Tai (0-2-0; 4) .650
3. Gabby (1-1-1; 2) .575
4. Sierra (1-1-2; 2) .575 [previously 6th]
   
5. Christine (0-1-0; 4) .525
6. Sarah (0-1-1; 3) .425
   
   
7. Allison (0-1-1; 3) .425
   
8. Karlie (0-0-1; 2) .200
9. Rosanna (0-0-1; 1) .100
10. Lana (0-0-0; 0) .000

[KEY: Wins—Immunities/Runner Ups—Bottom Two’s; Total Times Safe (no ballroom appearance/not up for elimination if called. Called for bad performance while holding immunity results in no TTS)
Power Average:
Total number of wins {1.0 for win, 0.5 for immunity/runner up} divided by weeks, plus 0.TTS (I.E. +0.4 for Christine, Tai, Jessica; 0.3 for Sarah; 0.2 for Gabby, Sierra]

So the hierarchy stays more-or-less the same after Week 4; the top three are still intact even with Gabby’s dreadful Director’s Challenge performance. The biggest mover is obviously Sierra, who two weeks ago was scraping the bottom of the barrel hoping to find a miracle. I guess there was something in that old barrel after all. And even though she’s closer to the bottom now than before, my dark horse Christine is still hanging in there with a great percentage. If only she could win a challenge (or better yet, a challenge and immunity), she would leapfrog at least two spots with ease.

As a final note, I’m sure it would be easy to declare Jessica the far and away winner right here, since she’s won 2 of the 4 weeks now. However, one must remember that out of the eight weeks, last years winner Tanedra only won Leading Lady once, scored immunity twice, and was in the bottom two on Week Seven. We’ve only reached the half way point—there’s still plenty of time for the mighty to fall…

Scream Queens 2

by XdarksparkX

Originally written: August 18, 2010
[Images courtesy of VH1.com]

Scream Queens is one of those shows that I got hooked on by sheer happenstance while flipping through channels and coming across one of VH1’s weird ‘noon premieres’ in 2008. Essentially, 10 aspiring actresses compete each week in 3 challenges (technically it’s two, with an acting class/exercise with bad-ass John Homa being the third) all in the hopes of being the last actress standing and being rewarded with a role in Saw VI. What really drew me into this show was the fact that it was—at its core—an acting competition, and that the judges (Shawnee Smith, the aforementioned demigod John Homa, and James Gunn) actually weren’t afraid to lay into these fly-by-night dime-a-dozen’s if they absolutely sucked ass. Seeing them do that, especially as we watch the Megan Fox’s of the world slowly but surely complete a hostile takeover of our screens, can only leave us acting purists (the scarce few of us left) grinning from ear-to-ear.

A second season of Scream Queens recently premiered on VH1, with the gold at the end of the rainbow being a role in Saw 3D this time around. (The final Saw in the franchise, there is a God!) 10 new aspiring actresses, and two new judges. Jaime King (really… really?) as the new ‘Former Scream Queen Mentor Person’ takes over for Shawnee Smith, while James Gunn’s replacement in the director’s chair is uh… Tim Sullivan, who according to IMDb has directed Driftwood and 2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams… okay then, if only I had heard of you before, Tim.

Before I start my recaps of the last two weeks and the most-recently aired third week, let’s get one thing straight: John Homa is your God. Disagreeing with anything that comes from the mouth of the genius that is Homa is not only blasphemous, but sacrilegious, and you will burn in the fires of his RAGING FURY for all eternity. Beware the sacrilege!

Ahem, anyways… lets meet our ten aspiring actresses! Our first hopeful future starlet likes long walks on the beach, Piña Colada’s and getting caught in the rain…



ALLISON
26 – Hickory, NC
Professional dancer, aspiring actress, biggest claim to fame is being an “iPod girl” (i.e. a shadow puppet)... Yup, that’s pretty much all that was said.


CHRISTINE
28 – Porterville, CA
She does children’s birthday parties, so we can assume that she’s already got the whole “immersing yourself in playing make believe” down, but can she impress when her audience is over the age of 5?


GABBY
24 – Santa Fe, NM
Started acting a few years ago. She came out to LA, realized it was hard and that she would be poor for a good long while, and moved back to New Mexico. Now a few years older and wiser (but mainly older, this is Hollywood babe), she’s hoping to give it another shot.


JESSICA
24 – Bronx, NY
“I’ve studied acting for two years, but I haven’t had a big role.” (NO! Really!? Get outta here, ya bum. Back of the line…) Thinks being Hispanic means that she has to work harder, which is probably true, but she’s completely ignoring the fact that Hollywood seems to consider them the more attractive minority to cast, since most can be passed off as tanned crackers.


KARLIE
29 – New York, NY
I have a feeling she will be the “forgotten black actress” in this season, because they didn’t bother to introduce her until it was her turn in the Skills Challenge.


LANA
28 – Santa Monica, CA
Her father is apparently Ron Underwood, director of Tremors and City Slickers. Just because daddy’s in the biz doesn’t mean you can act sweetheart, and there are no cheap passes on the Homa Line to H-Town.


ROSANNA
24 – Seattle, WA
Before getting into acting, she worked as “a church secretary by day and a go-go dancer by night.” I wish I could tell you I was joking, but I’m not… 0_o


SARAH
26 – Chicago, IL
She’s got a strong “Sha-ca-go” accent, this one does. Started modeling the same time she got into acting, but she was knocked up at 19 and well…here she is now I guess? Man, these intros are more bare bones than Calista Flockheart. (cue rim-shot; audience boos)


SIERRA
22 – Suffern, NY
Got into acting when she was very little (according to her – unreliable narrator) and horror is the “#1 genre she loves to watch”, so she’d love to win SQ2 so she could watch herself in Saw 3D and it could be her favorite horror movie. (…heavy sigh) I wish I could make this shit up…


TAI
26 – Chicago, IL
Thinks she has all that it takes and more to succeed in the biz, but has merely been a victim of Chicago’s “small market”.

(God damn! I just realized how flat-out awful some of these headshots are!)

WEEK 1 RECAP:

• SKILLS CHALLENGE:
  
  They don’t waste any time getting the girls into the first challenge, as not seconds after they arrive to the SQ house are they faced with Week 1’s skills challenge. In this challenge, the girls are to wake from a nightmare, realize something’s amiss and then get attacked from behind by a Freddy Kruger wannabe. The prize for doing well is earning a guaranteed “call-back” which makes the actress immune from being “axed”. Let me just say, when Jaime King is describing what it takes to be a Scream Queen, she hams that shit up so much it’s not even funny. The way she’s describing it, you’d think the Scream Queen role was the most taxing thing one can put themselves through as an actress. I get that she would have to do this, but there was just a point where I started rolling my eyes and saying “Yeah, because (last year’s winner) Tanedra did so much more than scream/plead/cry/yell throughout her appearance in Saw VI.”
  
  Jessica was up first, and set a pretty solid bar. The rest after that, pretty much sucked. Especially cringe-worthy was Sierra’s portrayal of waking up from a nightmare that apparently involves… good sex? I watched her clips at least three times and I still wonder if she got what her initial motivation was. She wakes up as if she literally just got off in the dream, it effectively killed the entire setup of the scene.
  
  They showed haphazard cuts of interspersed clips after a few performances, so I couldn’t really tell who was good and who wasn’t, but no one really caught my attention. What I could tell though was that Christine out of all of them had the best facial expression when realizing something’s amiss.
  
  The judges determine Gabby was the best and has won Week 1’s guaranteed call-back. I don’t know, she was up there, but for some reason I just thought Jessica was better. It doesn’t help that the judges really didn’t talk about Gabby’s performance, but rather her ‘aura’. I still give her the nod as a stand out, given the fact that the majority of the room played it like they were in a high-school play. They all also got their first taste of The Wrath of Homa, when he lays into them about how much time they wasted worrying about their significant other ‘Michael’ not being there. Heh heh, and the best part? His tolerance is only going to get shorter…
  
  Stand-Outs: Jessica, Gabby
  Face-Palms: Sierra
  
  
• JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:
  
  The girls first full-on taste of Homa’s bad-assery is him telling them that they have to recite the lines “I know what you are, and I’m not afraid of you. You won’t break me” with as much pure, raw rage as humanly possibly. Suffice to say, the girls all get up there and pussyfoot it. John’s not having any of it, and doesn’t even want to waste more than one word on them. The second he doesn’t believe them, he shouts “down” and points to the floor from whence they came. Down, ye feeble maggots! Thou art not worthy, if thou shall display such farce to the almighty Homa!
  
  None of them seem to know what it’s like to actually hate a person with every inch and fiber of their being, and if they did the idea of channeling that feeling went right out the window. So John, his adamantium claws fixing to unleash at any moment, reveals a collection of various pumpkins from behind a curtain. He places one of them upon the lone stool in the area, and starts beating the ever-loving Christ out of it with his baseball bat (Oh yeah, you can bet he always has that sucker on standby in his car). Naturally, the girls are all cowering in fear once they see the true power of this battle-station. Homa recites the lines, and pretty much everyone is waiting to see if he’ll start wielding the bat at the unsuspecting girls…
  
  But Homa is far above that, and with the magical prowess of a Supreme Tri-Mage, he turns off the “HOMA SMASH!” switch in his brain and tells them that is what pure rage is.
  
  Homa lets the girls attempt to connect with their inner Gallagher, yells at them for being pansies, and is more or less indifferent with how the lesson went. The two absolute failures out of everyone were Rosanna, who was blatantly putting on a meek façade of anger; and Lana, who looked more like a 2-year-old not getting her way in Toys R Us than someone who was filled with primal rage.
  
  Stand-Outs: …
  Face-Palms: Lana, Rosanna
  
  
• DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:
  
  Here we go, this is where shit really matters, this is what everyone’s been waiting for: The Director’s Challenge. The question of just how well these girls fare on a set and in front of a camera will be answered right here.
  
  The gist of the Director’s Challenge is that each week, the girls will shoot a pseudo-trailer for some D-Grade horror movie concept directed by our D-Grade director—err, I mean our highly talented director, Tim. In this week’s challenge, the girls will star in the trailer for Kiss of The Devil. One scene they’re in their underwear teasing some dude (or… girl?) over the phone, the next they’re flip out over finding a satanic alter in some random room in their house, and finally they’re yelling at nothing in particular while holding some sort of stone with a pentagram on it, daring the evil demon lurking to “come out and fight”. Yes, not even pseudo-trailers need an actual storyline behind them apparently.
  
  Out of all of them, Jessica and Christine seemed to take Tim’s direction the best. They understood his notes and actually gave him what he wanted. Jessica’s finale scene was a little weak, but really I think everyone except Christine missed the mark on that scene. There just wasn’t that believable anger in their eyes that there was with Christine, at least to me. Tai was also pretty good, but she looks like she could be that person that is so consistently solid she flies under the radar because her ups and downs aren’t as severe as some of the others.
  
  Sierra. Sierra, Sierra, Sierra. First challenge you act like you’ve just had the best wet dream of all-time and now you can’t deliver a believably seductive line in lingerie? What in the blue hell happened here? Shouldn’t this be the scene you shine in? I don’t know, her delivery was just… bad. She completely emphasized all the wrong parts on her last line. It was just… bad. She then, in the ‘discover the satanic alter’ scene, opens the door looking for her boyfriend, and is looking up for some reason, and then proceeds to deliver her line to the ceiling. It was just so… amateur. The kids in middle school drama clubs know better than that.
  
  And then, just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, Ms. Immunity herself walks in. Gabby would’ve been in the Bottom 2 easily had she not held immunity. First of all, she had started to lose her voice because the night before she was up with some of the other girls shouting and messing around for no damn reason. Second, any time Tim gave her direction, she had this look on her face as if he was speaking full-on Mandarin Chinese. Her expression more or less said, “Beat? Line? What are these strange and foreign words?” Third, she was so antsy she actually opens the door in the second scene and hit the poor guy with the clapboard. I just… oh man, this is why I value Director’s Challenges more than anything on this show, because had Lana not been so downright awful, I would’ve sent Gabby’s ass packing after that fiasco.
  
  Speaking of Lana, well… here’s how that goes: she came, she saw, she sucked. The end.
  
  Stand-Outs: Christine, Jessica
  Face-Palms: Gabby, Lana, Sierra
  
  
• THE AXE:
  Those called to the Grand Ballroom for judgment were as follows:
  
  Jessica was named Week 1’s Leading Lady, with Tai being this weeks Runner-Up.
  Gabby was called so the judges could hit home just how awful she was in the Director’s Challenge.
  
  Sierra and Lana were this week’s Bottom 2 performers, and ultimately it was…
  …
  …
  Lana, Miss Director-Child herself, who got AXED (and I don’t mean coated in the body spray). Goodbye, and good riddance.
  

WEEK 2 RECAP:

• SKILLS CHALLENGE:
  
  This week it’s all about being the “bad girl/villain”, so for this Skills Challenge the girls must be a vengeful witch who is casting a spell on someone from their past. This is interesting because these are the only limits they give them, so it’s up to the girls to choose who their witch wants to extract their supernatural revenge upon. If I was one of them, I would’ve had my character cast a spell on Sabrina for getting that TGIF lineup spot on ABC back in the day.
  
  Up first is Gabby, and her start is really… rough. Her finish however, is down right comical. After spewing her curse nonsense, she attempts to stir the giant stick in the big ass cauldron, only to get hung up on the fact that the stick is stuck. The straw that shatters the camel’s spine? She breaks character hung up on the fact that the damn cauldron isn’t cooperating, saying “Damn pot! Move!” Hilarious, just hilarious… if only this was a competition for a comedic actress.
  
  As far as standouts go, very few showed their merit. Christine was the far-and-above the standout in this, and rightfully won the guaranteed call-back. She decided to play a girl who’s stepsister had recently moved in and “taken over” her life. She was desperate, angst-ridden, and slightly demented—the perfect storm for the character. The other standout would be Tai, and while I didn’t really care for her choice to be Ms. Diva-Fashion Witch (mainly because it was more comical than disturbing), she was still—once again—one of the more solid performances.
  
  Sierra made an interesting choice that she just couldn’t pull together. Being a witch who had been left at the alter and looking for revenge, good idea. Putting a black and white tutu on your head and trying to pass it off as a veil… not so much, and her performance was extremely lackluster and whiny.
  
  Rosanna, the poor girl, looked lost. She started the scene, stared at the prop book for a few seconds and then just…dropped it. She froze like a frightened fawn staring down a Jeep Wrangler’s high beams. She then asks “…am I done yet?” (splat!) Yes child, you’ve more than paid the price for amnesia in front of a worldwide audience.
  
  Stand-Outs: Christine
  Face-Palms: Rosanna, Gabby, Sierra
  
  
• JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:
  
  Oh yes, it’s that time again children. No point in reciting it, you already know he’s better than you.
  
  This week, Homa has the girls face-off in a cage match where only words can be used to scar the opposition! …Okay, so the whole cage thing was bull, but the last part is serious. The girls objective when put into the hot seat is to convey to whomever is across from them that they intend to Hitchcock their ass (in other words, kill them).
  
  He starts off with Gabby in the hot-seat and Tai as her target. He gives her only the ABC’s to work with, the intent is to get the emotion behind the letters to project the desire to maim and kill. Gabby, in so many words, fails up until ‘K’ where she does well enough to make Homa raise the stakes. He now wants her to tell Tai how exactly she’s gonna kill her. Homa is pleased at the way she says she’s going to slit her throat, and tells her to sit back down.
  
  One by one, the rest follow suit. Some hit the mark, some miss it by twenty miles and a state line. Sierra once again gets under The Great One’s skin, and he looks like he wants to shatter his chair over his knee when she finally says everything that she thinks is powerful, doesn’t come out that way. Sarah then thinks that the whole point of the lesson is that “behind every woman, innocent or not, there’s a bad girl inside.” Um… or maybe he’s trying to teach you about the power of delivery. How much ‘bad girl’ can you portray with just words when you can only recite the fucking ABCs!? GAAH! It’s all about intent, you nit! INTENT!
  
  Jessica probably came up with the best line and actually held the perfect cold intent while she delivered it: “I’m going to kill you, because I know I can get away with it.” Even Homa said, and I quote, “that was chilling.” Hot. Damn. I think that’s the best compliment he’s given out… ever.
  
  Last up is Rosanna, but wait a minute—there’s no one to be Ro’s victim. Until… yes, yes, YES! Homa himself steps into the squared circle and sits down across from her. Oh, you better bring you’re A-game sweetheart, the big man himself has got a front row seat! “I’m not an attacker on other people” she says in her confessional. Then what in the turquoise hell are you doing here, on a reality show (that alone should say enough) looking for a horror film actress? “I hate you because you have everything I don’t,” she begins, “and I’m okay with that.” …and she then shoves the gun in her mouth, and blows straight through her cervical. Homa demonstrates last weeks lesson about rage in full effect, yelling at her to not be okay with it, and that he doesn’t give a shit what’s going through her head, she better just say it because the clock is ticking on her. He then goes into full HOMA RAGE mode and scares the ever-loving shit out of everyone else there, as he tries to coax something out of her mouth. Rosanna can simply not knock someone else down a peg, much less tell them that she’s gonna kill them. To get a simple and believable “I hate you” out of her, Homa has to resort to making fun of her delivery and saying “he’s getting his pillow fluffed” when she says the line. Hit the showers, meat! Come back when you’re ready to play with the big boys. Homa can do nothing but shake his head at the end of the lesson. The almighty one is not pleased.
  
  Stand-Outs: Everyone was actually pretty even
  Face-Palms: Rosanna, Sierra (shocking, right?)
  
  
• DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:
  
  The girls meet up with Tim for this weeks Director’s Challenge, where he tells them they are in the same studio where the cult-classic Leprechaun was filmed. $10 says none of these girls have even heard of Leprechaun, much less seen it.
  
  Anyway, their task this week is to hint at killing their boyfriend, while only talking about steak (SEE!? INTENT SARAH! Ahem, sorry) before actually doing the deed. Their boyfriend will be played by Trevor Wright, who I will not be familiar with until October 1st , when I see David Fincher’s The Social Network (although according to IMDb, he was also in Season 1’s Episode 2, but we know how shoddy random guest appearance credits are on the Db).
  
  As far as the good goes, I thought Allison actually had one of the best transitions. There was this certain way that she looked up as she was delivering the line right before she’s supposed to whirl around and slice Mr. Clueless that just… worked. You saw the entire thing in her eyes before she did it. Gabby also had a solid outing.
  
  And the bad… well, at least I get to mention Sierra in a more neutral light this time. She was bad, but it was more about her just not reaching deep enough to really get that transition from bubbly to evil. Aside from the fact that she looked like she was having sex with her steak (again with the ham-fisted sexy… that gives you “S-L” Sierra, what do you say we never see U and T?), it was just… clumsy. Meanwhile, Karlie, in her desperate need to stand out, actually takes a piece of the raw meat and eats it during her scene. Foodborne illness, here we come! Sarah meanwhile can’t say “marble fibers” due to her heavy accent, instead saying “marrbaauulll fibers”. It was so tragically funny, in that she obviously can’t help herself, but it was still absolutely awful. As for Rosanna, well she’s still too innocent, and she actually called “line” in the in the middle of her take. ‘Nuff said.
  
  Stand-Outs: Allison, Gabby
  Face-Palms: Rosanna, Karlie, Sarah
  
  
• THE AXE:
  Those called to the Grand Ballroom for judgment were as follows:
  
  Gabby was named Week 2’s Leading Lady, with Tai again nabbing the Runner-Up.
  Sarah was called in so they could knock her accent and how it takes her out of character.
  
  Sierra and Rosanna were this week’s Bottom 2 performers, and ultimately it was…
  …
  …
  Rosanna, Ms. Bubbly McBubbles, who got AXED. She may be a good actress in say, a Disney Channel original series, but they were looking for edge, and she simply couldn’t produce.
  

So that brings us here, to Week 3.

WEEK 3:

• SKILLS CHALLENGE:
  
  This week, the Skills Challenge has the girls getting their Zemeckis on and donning a motion-capture suit, in order to puppeteer a character on the projection screen behind the stage. Since there is obviously no dialog, they must convey the characters emotions and the story through their movements. You had me at “girls, this week you will shut the eff up and tell a story through body language” (sigh, if only Jaime had actually said that). Allison is flat out amazed by this technology, and says and I quote “Who gets to do this? Like…nobody!” Yep, nobody except the character actors in Polar Express and Beowulf; Andy Serkis in Lord of The Rings and King Kong… oh, and the people who work in this little multi-billion dollar industry that pioneered the technology, I think it’s called THE VIDEO GAME INDUSTRY! Allison also swears she has this challenge in the bag because she’s a dancer. Umm, I’m sorry, last I checked this was Scream Queens, not So You Think You Can Dance. It doesn’t matter if you move well if the movements don’t mean anything!
  
  It seems like what most (if not all) of the girls forgot is that this puppet has just randomly sprung to life. They want to jump into what the puppet would do in order to quickly get to the finale and the diving escape out the window, but it seems like most of them are rushing through the actual amazement of being alive for the first time. They’re forgetting the subtleties, like the fact that the character should be unfamiliar with its motor functions at first, and should be extremely curious about all of its movements in general. Meanwhile, Sarah specifically seemed to forget that this performance has to be akin to a stage production, in that your movements have to be slightly exaggerated in order for the audience (or in this case, the mo-cap suit) to draw the full emotion and intent (there’s that word again) out of your performance.
  
  Gabby then gets up on the stage, and proceeds to spend the majority of her performance looking up at the screen to see how it’s coming off. Really Gabby? I mean, really? I just—ugh, next! Allison, being the dancer that she is, is moving around with fluid and grace. What she seems to forget is that while she may be a dancer, her character is not, and she does shit that someone probably wouldn’t do unless they had some sort of gymnastic training. Front handspring stepout before diving out the window anyone?
  
  I have pretty much lost all faith in having a shining standout in this challenge until… Oh my Homa, Sierra actually came to play! When she begins her scene, she steps out of the cardboard box and actually wobbles, like she’s still getting acquainted to using her legs for the first time. Then, when a realizing how dark and unknown the attic is, she does the most basic thing that no one else had done. She goes back into the box where she knows its safe. I sat there, in front of my TV, jaw agape for at least two minutes. That was—dare I say—genius. It wasn’t groundbreaking, but she got the subtleties that I was talking about earlier. She got that the character was alive for the first time and unfamiliar with the world, and she played it off extremely well. She takes this Skills Challenge and the immunity that goes with it. Somewhere in Hell they’re playing ice hockey, and the Devil himself is figure skating to work.
  
  Stand-Outs: Sierra
  Face-Palms: Gabby, Allison
  
  
• JOHN HOMA’S “GET OFF MY PORCH IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK” ACTING EXERCISE:
  
  Guess who’s back… back again… Homa’s back… tell a friend.
  
  So this week our Jedi Master asks the girls to cry on cue, but he does not want sobbing. No, he wants controlled, tearful crying. He starts each one of them off, and none of them can get to that place. I think somewhere, he likes proving to them just how much they suck as actresses until he implores them with a nugget of his vast acting knowledge.
  
  After turning them all away, he says that they all need to stop trying to cry, to stop “trying to squeeze out one constipated little tear”, they need to get to the specificity of a thought that can get them to actually cry. To show them what he means, he calls Sierra back up to the hot seat. He tells her that her sister (who she’s extremely close to) is going to get hit by a car, with as much empathy as a goddamn Cyberdyne Terminator. He elaborates further on the scenario, and two or three sentences later… boom, more water then when the levees failed during Hurricane Katrina.
  
  One by one, he calls the other girls up and does the same, and one by one, Homa pulls his epic Jedi Mind Trick and completely wrecks every single one of them. Well, all but one. Karlie, in so many words, failed. She displeased the mighty Homa with her attempt to mini sob, and then her over-effort she put in at being sad. Well, Karlie did say she wanted to be noticed… too bad it was for being the only one to not give Homa what he wanted.
  
  Stand-Outs: N/A
  Face-Palms: Karlie
  
  
• DIRECTOR’S CHALLENGE:
  
  Maggots. This Director’s Challenge contains… maggots (cue shrieks of repulsion). Okay, got that out of your system girls? Good, because I don’t want to hear it again.
  
  In this scene, Tim has the girls come into their house, only to find the place a wreck. As they further explore the house, they come across a trail of maggots, which leads them to the decomposing body of a loved one. Hanging from the ceiling above the corpse is some sort of D-Movie hive of maggots, that will of course, burst and shower the actresses with thousands of the live creepy crawlies. Heh heh, win. Another note of interest, the girls can only use the word “no” in order to show their…oh what’s that word again, Sarah? Oh right, intent. They have to use one word to portray their disappointment, fear, disbelief and horror.
  
  Allison apparently forgets the fact that the corpse is in fact extremely decomposed, and immediately starts touching and hugging it upon discovery. This is exactly why you need to pump some undead body smell in there, Tim! She won’t want to touch that thing with a ten foot pole if it smells like it’s been festering. In some shape or form, I think all of the girls touched it. No, just no. I don’t care who it was supposed to be in the character you created, you are not touching that corpse. Besides, it’s at the point of decay where you can’t even recognize who it is, you’re not touching it.
  
  Anyway, Karlie is still trying her damndest to stand out. What she doesn’t realize is that she’s has stood out… for all the wrong reasons. This Director’s Challenge is no different. The emotion isn’t there in her lines (Tim used the perfect word in his note to her, “bland”), she didn’t really change up anything after Tim gave her his notes, and she did this weird “praise the Lord” shake with her hands facing out towards the sky when the maggots rained down on her. Fail, fail, fail.
  
  Sarah apparently had a huge fear of the maggots, but she was completely professional and did her scene without missing a beat, well with the exception of everything leading up to the maggots. She was absolutely awful in that regard, she rushed through everything because in the back of her head she knew that maggot time was creeping closer.
  
  STOP! …MAGGOT TIME!
  
  Ahem, sorry. Anyway, everyone else seemed pretty solid from what was shown. Sierra took a note from Tim and really ran with it, which just means that this is really her week I guess. She also had the best reaction to discovering the corpse. Jessica meanwhile took a handful of maggots in the mouth during her finale, which alone should’ve made her scene the winner purely because of the sheer gross-out factor it produced.
  
  Stand-Outs: Sierra, Jessica
  Face-Palms: Karlie, Sarah
  
  
• THE AXE:
  Those called to the Grand Ballroom for judgment were as follows:
  
  Sierra was named Week 3’s Leading Lady (HOLY HELL!), with Allison getting the Runner-Up.
  One note to Allison from Jaime was that Ali really needs to work on “softening her features” when taking criticism, because she totally bugged her eyes out when Jaime said that her choice to handspring out the window wasn’t the best choice (and by that, she meant it was a stupid choice).
  
  Karlie and Sarah were this week’s Bottom 2 performers, and ultimately it was…
  …
  …
  Karlie, Ms. Desperate To Stand Out, who got AXED. You stood out, it just wasn’t for the right reasons. Just another sufferer of horror’s “Early Black Victim” syndrome I suppose.
  

So now that we’re through three weeks, we can whip out records and random statistics in order to make things seem legit!

Rankings after Week 3:

1. Jessica (1-0-0; 3) .633
2. Tai (0-2-0; 3) .633
3. Gabby (1-1-0; 2) .533
4. Christine (0-1-0; 3) .467
5. Allison (0-1-0; 3) .467
6. Sierra (1-1-2; 1) .433
7. Sarah (0-0-1; 2) .200
   
   
8. Karlie (0-0-1; 2) .200
9. Rosanna (0-0-1; 1) .100
10. Lana (0-0-0; 0) .000

[KEY: Wins—Immunities/Runner Ups—Bottom Two’s; Total Times Safe (no ballroom appearance/not up for elimination if called. Called for bad performance while holding immunity results in no TTS)
Power Average:
Total number of wins {1.0 for win, 0.5 for immunity/runner up} divided by weeks, plus 0.TTS (I.E. +0.3 for Christine, Allison, Tai, Jessica; 0.2 for Gabby, Sarah; 0.1 for Sierra]

See? Aren’t random, nonsensical statistical algorithms fun when you can make up your own? Take that, Major League Baseball!

Now, the real question to ponder until next week: what is the true over/under for Sierra falling back into the basement? Vegas, tell me the odds!

Does Not Compute: James Cameron's "Terminator" Films

 by XdarksparkX

Originally Written: May 8th 2010
[Images from AllMoviePhoto.com]

Let this preface clearly state that James Cameron's Terminator films are awesome. Both films are heralded classics within the Sci-Fi/Action genre due to their deep lore and engrossing universe. However, there is one thing within the core of these movies that, when approached with basic logic, brings every possible suspension of disbelief crumbling to its knees:

JOHN CONNOR CANNOT EXIST.

That’s right, and I don’t mean that in the “Terminator-Mission-Log” way either. It is literally physically impossible for John Connor as Kyle Reese’s original future knows him to exist.  Whoever John Connor was in the original timeline (you know, the one that contained the events that allowed Kyle Reese to go back in time in the first place) doesn’t exist, he is theologically erased.  Why?  Because whoever John Connor’s father was in the original timeline now never meets Sarah Connor, much less has sex with her. Instead, Kyle Reese gets her between the sheets, knocks her up, and he becomes the father of John Connor. Way to royally fuck the human race over by having her bring Edward Furlong into the world, asshole!

Ladies and gentleman, courtesy of Kyle Reese, I give you The Savior Of The Human Race!
His prime directive: shouting “MEEEAAAAMMM!” every five minutes in an abhorrent screeching whine that will only be rivaled by Eric Cartman.

This slip is especially funny though, because T2 goes out of its way to drive the point home that: “there is no fate but what we make.”  Yet that’s obviously flat-out bullshit because John Connor still turns into the bad-ass leader of the resistance with two completely different fathers!

Now, I’ve heard some people attempt to defend this by saying that you can’t ever find the beginning to a circle, and that’s why Kyle Reese being John’s father works.  The problem is, time progression as we witness and experience it is linear.  Okay, let me make my point simple.  Think of time in the sense of a piece of string.  Now, as pivotal / memorable events happen, you tie a knot at a certain point in that string.  So eventually you’d have this piece of string with knots at various points.  Now suppose you suppose you added a time-travel variant to this idea, and decided that at the tenth knot you wanted to go back to the fifth.  If you go back, no matter how you alter it from then on, that knot still exists as it always had when it was originally formed.  Someone had to be John Connor’s father before Kyle Reese made his trip back in time, because in the linear progression of events that the humans who witnessed the first resistance had to experience in order to get to the point where they send Kyle back in time, he was born chronologically after John.  This whole ‘time as a loop’ thing doesn’t work within the basis of what needs to be accomplished in the narrative of the films.

Therefore, with this in mind we can only come to one conclusion: Edward Furlong’s whiney bitch of a character does not grow up to be the savior of the human race.  The whine-box that sounds like nails on a chalkboard becomes the sorry son of a bitch that joins the Resistance and gets his ass blown up for being so goddamn annoying and attempting to blindly retreat without any cover fire what-so-ever.  That’s the John Connor you have created Kyle Reese, LIVE WITH IT!  The man we come to know as John Connor in Salvation and afterward has no connection.  He was a wandering rogue, who had decided “enough of this Skynet/Cyberdyne bullshit” and started turning T-100’s into scrap metal with nothing but a handgun and a hunting knife like a total boss.  Naturally, everyone who came in contact with him assumed that he was “the prophesized savior” and he was too devil-may-care to give a shit, especially since he couldn’t remember who he was and it was more convenient for people to address him with a painfully generic “normal” name like John Connor rather than his accepted code-name of Roguee McBadAss.

This man clearly has no relation to the child above. The discrepancy of Awesome between the two is far too great.

I honestly think when it came to T2, Cameron wanted to make an apocalyptic movie about us not knowing the power we wield and choosing our own fate by our actions in the present, and someone somewhere in the writing process came along and said “ya know, this would be a great sequel to Terminator.”  Granted, this is nothing more than my own little conspiracy theory, but it at least gives credit to Cameron in saying that he’s not so blind to basic continuity that he would have the balls to have a line like “there is no fate but what we make” featured so prevalently in a movie when his protagonist is still set to be the future savior of mankind despite two different male parental figures (because if he wasn’t, Skynet damn sure wouldn’t waste the effort sending Terminators back in time to off him).

That brings up another logical fallacy, what the hell was up with Skynet going THE WRONG WAY when it’s assassination attempts on Connor were subsequently thwarted?  Unless there's a bit of exposition I missed that tells me there’s some type of limit to the time-travel technology, there is no logical progression that a highly advanced network of computer intelligences would follow that would lead them to think that attempts LATER in John Connor’s life rather than EARLIER in the family lineage would be the more successful venture.  That brings back another point, if Skynet initially had gone back and attempted to killed Sarah’s mother while she was pregnant with her, and Kyle went back to protect John’s grandma, then the whole “time is a loop” theory is thrown out the window into the horse manure.

I don’t want it to seem like I dislike these films, because I don't, but this was more of a pointing out that the original two films don't have as solid a narrative structure as a lot of people seem to believe they do.  That doesn’t mean that these aren’t good films, or that their contribution to cinema is somehow diminished, it just means they possibly aren’t as deep in certain aspects of the plot as people would like to believe.  And that’s okay.  Cameron more than makes up for these logical fallacies with the elaborate and detailed timeline of Skynet’s rise to prominence, and if that’s where the primary focus was, then it’s a trade-off that I’m completely content with.

Who Greelit This Shit? Edition I - "Autopsy"

by XdarksparkX
Originally written: June 17th, 2009

WARNING: Due to the writer's inability to find alternative words that can accurately describe his emotions while viewing this movie, and the flat out Grade-A shit quality of said movie, strong coarse language is present throughout this review. Reader should venture in at their own risk of mental scarring after hearing a recount of such a terrible waste of film.

I like Jessica Lowndes. No, strike that—I effing love Jessica Lowndes. Ever since I saw her 4 years ago in Tobe Hooper’s abysmal contribution to the Showtime series Masters of Horror known as “Dance of The Dead”, I fell ass-over-teakettle for her potential as an actress. It’s sad, but its so rare these days to see a young woman who’s not only easy on the eyes but can actually emote believably. Seems like today everyone’s pining for the pretty, with talent just being a bonus. Talent is supposed to be the premium; the beauty is the bonus, but with a visual medium, our society naturally figures eye candy over substance. Oh, the state of this world… Anyway, Jessica doesn’t exactly set the world on fire with her performances, but if she continues to learn and grow and actually tries to hone and sharpen her range and consistency, I guaran-damn-tee you she’ll be accepting a certain golden statue for Best Leading or Supporting Actress somewhere down the road.

That being said, I’ve slowly began to realize that my fandom for young up-and-coming actors and actresses can lead me down a road full of shitty movies that have me saying “why the hell are you in this, [insert actors name], you’re so much better than this piece of shit.” As is the case with Autopsy. A member of the third After-Dark Horrorfest collection, I rented an HD copy of Autopsy roughly two months ago when I found it on the Xbox LIVE Video Marketplace, and I still wish I had those 480 Microsoft points back.

"Oh Jessica, why are you in this? You're so much better than this..."

Apparently someone forgot to mention to writers Adam Gierasch (who also directed), Jace Anderson, and EL Katz that you have to make your victim characters sympathetic. There has to be a trait or flaw within the character that makes the viewer want to root them on and see them survive the end. Throughout the opening credits we get a lot of home movie shot footage and candid digital pictures of the four principle characters out and about partying in good old “Nawlin’s” Louisiana. Only we find out that Emily (Jessica Lowndes) got behind the wheel totally hammered (proceeding to down more beer in the drivers seat before departing no less) and subsequently starts the movie by wrapping their car around a tree. Wow, within the first five minutes you’ve lost me, I don’t give a shit what happens to these characters. They were dumb enough to drink and drive, they’re fitting of whatever happens to them in the next 75 minutes.

The plot that plays out pulls a classic Hand-of-God tactic. The ‘Hand-of-God’ tactic is what I like to call it when a scenario is presented in a movie (usually horror movies) where it’s blatantly obvious that the writer wants the characters to get into a certain predicament. So rather that spend time finding a logical way to get them there, he or she makes up the biggest bullshit excuse that wouldn’t logically fly with anyone just to get them into said predicament. Case in point: the idiots find out that they’ve hit someone in addition to wrapping the car around the tree, and an ambulance arrives (how does it know where they are when we’ve established early in this post-crash scene that none of them have a working cell phone? It doesn't just pull up and see the accident, it has its sirens and shit on! The fuck man, the fuck!?) to take the human hood-ornament and the ass-clowns to the nearest hospital, Mercy Hospital (oh ha-ha, very nice, doctors killing patients in “Mercy Hospital”, yeah that little pun has never been done before). They arrive at the hospital, and the nurse in not being legit at all, refusing to let the guy who got some of the hood ornament's blood in his mouth get immediate examination opposed to the guy with a bump on the forehead due to the skeleton crew the hospital’s been running on since Katrina. Nice, way to bring up that BS excuse, by referencing a natural disaster! I’m not sure when this was filmed, but I believe it was filmed in 2007 and completed in 2008. If that’s so, Katrina happened like 2-3 years ago guys, almost everyone who wanted to go back had already. Jesus, what a fail. If I’m one of these characters I’m calling bullshit and getting the fuck out. I’ll walk, in the rain if I have to, I don’t give a damn. Then again, I wouldn’t drink and drive, get in a car with someone who’s obviously shit-faced, or let someone I know drink and drive period, so what I would do has really no merit on this movie anyway.

Anyway, Jessie’s boyfriend discovers he has a piece of glass stuck in his sternum. Against everyone's protests the dumb-ass says “oh it’s just a little piece” and starts to pull it out. He pulls… and pulls... and pulls, and its at this point we realize that the entire fucking windshield must be inside this guy, yet he keeps pulling! I’m sorry, but if I think it’s a small little piece and try to pull it out (which I wouldn’t do anyway, but again… drinking and driving…) only to find it’s really a shard, I’m stopping immediately and not touching it with a ten foot pole. Hell I’m not even moving for fear of raping my internal organs. He gets the entire thing out, and then proceeds to spas out in the most comical way. I didn’t know having glass shards in you made you twitch like you were having a seizure.

"No, please... no more! I'll leave a note next time, I promise! Just please for the love of God don't make me watch any more of this movie!"

Of course, due to the “skeletal crew” we’ve got to separate the group slowly as each one is admitted into their checkups, and only when people aren’t coming back do we realize that shit has hit the proverbial fan and that the best idea would be to get the hell out of here.

Gierasch, for some reason, feels the need to show us Jessica and Co. descending and ascending the stairs between floors multiple times after he establishes that the elevator is 10-7 (out of service). He shows this, even though there are floor numbers at the ends of the hall on EVERY GODDAMN FLOOR! Now, when it comes to editing I don’t like to put the full blame on the director unless I know for a fact that he was the editor himself. That being said, I assume (and I hate to, but I really have little choice) that he did at least have a say in whether or not the final cut was acceptable. Showing Jess run up and down the stairs is a pathetic way to stretch this paper thin movie out to an 80 minute runtime. What I do know though is that Gierasch shot enough varied cuts of various groups of the victims all going up and down stairs to actually allow the editor to not repeat the same shot twice. And when you see that there are about 10 - 15 of these stairway shots, that’s a pretty damn scary thought.

I’ll admit, I like smart horror. Like really smart horror. I feel it’s the only way the genre can be called such anymore. Everyone’s a dumb-ass in these movies now-a-days, and this seems to be because the writing is so weak that if someone were to do something even remotely rational or logical, the whole movie would have no place to go but to the end credits. That being said, while it’s frustrating in Autopsy to watch the characters be so compliant with splitting up, it seems somewhat justified in a hospital. What isn’t justified is that Jessica’s character Emily had supposedly gone to med school (dropped out after her first year) and yet when the police officer she called from one of the lackey’s cell phone arrives and isn’t sure if she’s a patent in the mental ward or not due to one of the hooligans BS cover stories, she doesn’t bring up the perfectly logical question of “if I’m a patient, then why the fuck am I not in a hospital gown? So the patient who’s supposedly crazy thinks to wander around and find clothes before trying to escape the hospital?” (Holy run-on sentence Batman!) Again though, it would actually take a while to figure out a legit way out of this, because naturally the cop would look at this like something really is up and possibly call for backup. Now what? Oh, logical plot point? My bad…fail! It’s not like you can’t half-ass your way out of this by having another lackey come up from behind the cop and smack him in the head with the brick of failure that was shit out when this movie was conceived , but at least the victim was smart enough to bring up the point.

"Oh God, not logic! Please anything but basic LOGIC!"

One thing I will say is that the cinematography and art direction is fairly good. The art direction is dark, dank and gritty, just how it should be in a horror film. I also love the color tone that was chosen, its right in between Saw’s “so high it’s sometimes retina burning” saturation and Hostel’s “so dim you wonder what the fuck is going on half the time” saturation, and it compliments the old / unused / rundown looking sets nicely. That being said there’s nothing else I can applaud this on, not even Jessica’s performance, which was mediocre to say the least. While she emoted well for the most part, I think the Gierasch may have screwed her up on some scenes. For instance, when she finds her boyfriend with his organs pulled out and hanging in pans all over the room (all of this done so he can remotely support the doctors corpse bride of a wife… yeah you heard me, I couldn't make that shit up) she goes to what I call “cry face” (you know, the look when your about to cry, when the tears are a-building, but you don’t break down due to say circumstance or self-image) only to abruptly pull back and go into a look of complete unemotional curiosity. It was as if someone said “you’re sad and now your like what the fuck is this.” No, you keep the cry face, you embrace the cry face, you go full out with the cry face in this scene. Then you slowly overlay the WTF curiosity onto the cry face, but you don't just drop it completely. You’re still emotionally distraught at the image of your boyfriend being the unlucky bastard who got the red light slapped on his nose for the real life version of Operation! She then breaks down out of NOWHERE when she unplugs her beau. Umm, where was the emotional fear and hesitation of actually KILLING the person you love? Just because you KNOW you have to do something doesn’t make it any easier, especially when it comes to killing a loved one. Jesus Oli Herbert Christ…

Oh, and to top it all off, Robert Patrick is the crazy doctor who’s behind all the shenanigans. That’s right, Robert. Fucking. Patrick. I know you less hardcore movie fans are like “who?” Let me ask you, have you seen Terminator 2? If you have, you remember that bad ass motherfucker who was made out of liquid and could form knives from his arms and shit? Yeah, that was Robert Patrick. Dear God man, I would’ve given you money if I had known you needed it this badly!

There’s a scene where Ashley Schneider (Clare) runs away from a naked animated corpse that inexplicably unloaded all of its organs on to her, (which, during said scene doesn’t get her to scream ONCE. Uh…epic fail, sound department?) only to bump into one of the T-1000’s henchmen. She freezes for a second, and then proceeds to get punched squarely in the face. It was at this point, as I was rolling on the floor with tears of laughter streaming down my face, that I start to wonder if this was supposed to be a parody movie. There’s another scene where Ross McCall (Jude; who’s been drugged with halogens) walks through a door in the background, past the nurse and Robert Patrick who’re holding Jessica still so they can inject her with “teh serumz”, and acts completely non-chalant and worry free, even though previous scenes have led us to believe that the halogens were wearing off and he knows they’re after him too. And I can’t forget the scene where Jude decides to blow up one of the rooms since the doc’s got his face pressed all up against the door trying to get in. Yet when Jude blasts the room to hell and back, the door on the other side in the hallway where Jessica is doesn’t flinch, smoke, or do much of anything other than let out a meek muffled boom when the shot transitions to her immediately after the blast (the other door to the room however, gets blown clean off its hinges and smacks the Doc and Lackey #2 square in the face). You cannot put scenes as hilariously bad as these into the movie and tell me with a straight face that it was supposed to be serious.

"Hmm... yup, this movie has officially killed its potential to be taken seriously."

The film ends as everyone expects it to, on a freeze frame (which NEVER work dramatically except in like… The Breakfast Club) of Jessica beating the shit out of the Doc screaming “DIIIIEEE!!” followed by a half-assed scene of the Doc opening his eye to say “ZOMG, SEQUELZZZZZ!!!” This whole “killer isn’t dead” thing is so goddamn old, seriously. Either have the villain win or have him die, this whole ‘look I’m not really dead so bring on the sequel’ thing grinds my goddamn gears, because everyone knows if you move in on the villains dead body that he will make some sort of movement saying “I’m not dead, see? I hear franchizzzeee!” You know what I want, I want the classic pan over the dead body, hold the shot for a few seconds and then smash cut to black and have the protagonist say “what? he’s dead, this ain’t a fucking horror movie” (bad grammar and all) and bam, cue end credits. Now that would be a bad ass ending!

In the end, Autopsy is really nothing more than the same formulaic crap we’ve come to expect from the horror genre. If you somehow still enjoy the tired horror movie cliché’s or would like to watch a hot Canadian chick run up and down the same flight of stairs, then by all means give Autopsy a whirl. But for those looking for something a little more interesting from the “indie” horror film scene, this one’s better off left in the 99 cent bin at Blockbuster.

1/5