For a while now I've been trying to get some of my more vocal friends to contribute to the site, mainly due to my terrible back log of content that can never find its way from the "in progress" queue to the desired finished state as fast as I would like. A recent discussion with one of my best friends, Blizz, was sparked by a frequent topic of ours -- theme parks. In particular, the rants and narrative analysis I wanted to do on some of their attractions as part of the Theme Park Thoughts series. Luckily, Blizz's affinity for completed works far outweighs my own, and he has graciously allowed me to share his phenomenal narrative-based rant on a ride we both consider to be one of the best attractions of all-time: Harry Potter & The Forbidden Journey. Enjoy.
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by Blizz
Originally written: June 3rd, 2012
Let me be clear, Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey is one of the best rides I’ve ever been on. It also follows one of the most moronic plotlines ever conceived.
You
could ask me why I’m freely choosing to pick on a ride that I actually
think is one of the best attractions in the world, when I could just as
easily take pot shots at some defenseless idiot of a ride, like Curse of DarKastle at Busch Gardens Williamsburg. And I still might. But it’s the fact that Forbidden Journey
is so well-known and so beloved that makes its complete and utter
disregard for the story it’s telling all the more inexplicable.
This
review is my last-ditch attempt to understand why J.K. Rowling was such
a stickler for details with every aspect of the Wizarding World…except
when it came to its marquee attraction. Maybe she was stuck in a
daydream (presumably one vividly depicting all the fun people wouldn’t
have on Pottermore), or maybe she figured whatever team was working on
this could…I don’t know…do it themselves?
Whatever it was, something went wrong.
But enough intro, let’s get to the ride.
Prior
to riding, we get a tour of many parts of the castle – we start first
in the dungeons, then move into the greenhouse, and finally reach
Dumbledore’s office, where the headmaster at last introduces us to our
roles in this little adventure. We’re muggles, apparently – the first
ever to tour the castle.
And here, from the very first premise of the ride itself, my bullshit meters start going crazy.
If
you think about what we’re being told here for even the slightest
amount of time, your mind will explode with so many questions that this
plot (already) deserves to be scrapped. We’re talking
the-Wizarding-World-has-experienced-society-shattering-changes-and-someone-better-tell-me-what-the-hell-they-are-before-my-brain-hemmorages
type problems.
Doesn’t anyone remember the International
Statue of Wizarding Secrecy? You know, the law exists to ensure that
the Wizarding World is safely hidden from the muggle world. I know I
sound like a huge fanboy here, citing wizard-law, but really, this is
isn’t a technicality. It’s more like the fundamental basis of the Harry Potter universe. The wizarding world is a secret. Period.
There
are big penalties for even the slightest infraction of this law – in a
lot of cases, people’s wands are confiscated, which is kind of like
removing your ability to be a contributing member of society.
So just what the fuck has happened that we’re suddenly giving everyday muggles tours
of wizarding schools? Was there great societal upheaval? Has the
Ministry of Magic completely collapsed now that anarchy reigns? Does
that mean Cornelius Fudge is rotting in Azkaban? Are there riots in
major muggle cities now that 7 billion people now know that there’s a
sizable population that can do everything from erase their memories to
turn them into tea kettles on a whim? Is no one going to let me know if
the resulting wide-spread mania is resulting in calls for World War
III?
So, since it’s physically fucking impossible to even
begin to sort out this alternate universe that Universal’s created, I’m
going to have to go with the cleanest solution I can conjure up.
There’s no societal upheaval, there are no huge changes to the way the
Wizarding World operates in the books and movies. And that
means...Dumbledore is a lunatic.
And I really think that’s
a bold choice on the part of both Universal and J.K. Rowling. You’d
expect that they’d take the easy route and just have a completely sane
Dumbledore give us a simple plotline. Instead we get all this
interesting subtext! And let’s face it, no other ride sports a preshow
where you’re literally unsure of whether or not the authority figure is
too nuts to make it to the safety instructions before he blows his
brains out in front of everyone. You’ve got to hand it to the guy, this
is the biggest screw-you to the man ever conceived. You know, if the
man was everyone you know and love.
Well I guess there WERE a few times where he KIND OF screwed everyone over...
And considering the conga line you’re walking in, it looks like
Dumbledore’s not just making an exception to the rule. He’s got the
Ford fucking assembly line going here, mass producing treason. What an
asshole.
Finally, feeling crushed and dumbfounded, we’re
allowed to make our way into the next preshow, where Harry, Ron, and
Hermione sneak in to tell us that we’re headed straight for a boring
lecture telling us all about Wizarding history which, after the complete
catastrophe that was the last preshow, I’d actually be pretty damn
interested in. But the trio assure me I’ll have a more fun if I follow
them and go get burned alive, smashed, and eaten – I mean…go watch a
game of Quidditch.
I haven’t even the slightest idea why
Harry wants to be a part of Dumbledore’s batshit plan to watch the world
burn, and I certainly can’t figure out why he’d risk the likely inhuman
punishment that surely follows from derailing the first ever tour of
Hogwarts just so guests can watch him play sports. Does that
make Harry strangely a narcissistic jackass? I mean…possibly. Still,
considering there were no universe-shattering revelations in this scene,
I leave feeling like I got off scot free.
So we wander
aimlessly around random rooms in the castle, because son-of-a-bitch
Harry told us to meet him in the Room of Requirement (you know, that
hidden magical room that only a few people know about?), but neglected
to give us any directions to get there. Thanks, Harry. As I’m forced
to remember all too often, I’m a muggle, meaning that my experience in
navigating foreign castles with shifting staircases is pretty close to
nil.
As a result, we go completely out of our way and stumble through the
Gryffindor Common Room before finally doubling back to find the Room of
Req. There we find some magic benches that Hermione has enchanted to
fly. She smiles and says a spell I don’t recognize, and then the theme
music whisks us off into the ride.
Suddenly we’re at the
top of the astronomy tower. As if to confirm that this isn’t going to
be the shortest ride ever, Ron conveniently points out the obvious:
“Hermione did it! They’re flying!”
We head out towards
the Quidditch pitch until Hagrid stops us by the bridge, holding up some
large broken shackles. “Haven’t seen the dragon, have yeh?”
So…I guess Hagrid’s breaking the law again, and got another dragon, this time a full grown one,
which he’s been keeping in secret on school premises. I find this a
little hard to believe, since he couldn’t keep a baby secret for more
than 5 minutes after it hatched. At least this blind spot is consistent
with Hagrid’s character, but I’m also sure I heard one of the
paintings say “Did you hear? Hagrid’s lost the dragon again,” on my way
through the queue line. So, does everyone know about clearly illegal
animal freely roaming the grounds? Did all the third years pool their
money together to buy a Hungarian Horntail as a class pet? For
reference, this thing is thirty feet tall and wants to murder everything
in sight.
Just to be sure, everyone's ok with this murder-machine living right next door, right?
We’re chased around by this fire-breathing ball of death until we
fall face first into the Forbidden Forest. Flashes of lightning tell us
that it’s time to be afraid. I briefly ponder how all these flashes
can penetrate the thick layers upon layers of leaves that block out all
sunlight (especially when I didn’t see any lightning in the actual sky
ten seconds ago). Maybe the forest generates its own internal
weather patterns that only exist below the canopy? But I digress, and
the ride reminds me that I have bigger problems by promptly spitting in
my face.
For once, that’s actually not me being dramatic –
a spider the size of a Toyota Tundra bursts out of the forest and spits
in my face. The other spiders in the forest start following suit, and
pretty soon I’m just living out a nightmare I probably have every five
nights anyway.
This is leaving me pretty nervous over the
status of our heroes. Harry and Ron are nowhere to be found. Were they
burned off-screen by the dragon while we weren’t looking? Were they
torn apart by these aracontulas while I was blinded by spider-spit?
Surely they wouldn’t leave us for dead…it’s their fault we’re in this
mess anyway, so just where the hell are they?
Luckily,
Hermione’s here (…huh?) to lead us out of the forest. Yeah…she’s
there…standing right in the middle of this spider-lair making not even
the slightest attempt to conceal herself. That’s ok, though, since the
spiders are crawling all around her, ignoring her presence completely.
How did she even know we were here, considering we were all the way
across school grounds when we ran into trouble? More perplexing: How
did she even get here? She then calmly delivers the biggest understatement she can manage: “The forest isn’t safe!”
So
anyway, we escape the woods, dodge the Whomping Willow, and head to the
Quidditch Pitch. Though, considering our escorts have probably been
dismembered over the course of the last two scenes, I’m not really sure
why we we’re still going.
We get there and…son of a bitch…
Harry’s
perfectly unscathed. And what’s worse, over the last three or four
scenes, it’s immediately apparent that he’s been ignoring our imminent
death to play sports. As if to rub it all in, he turns back to us and says: “Where’ve you been?”
Where’ve I been!? Where’ve YOU been, you dick?
No wonder.
Is this the same Harry Potter I read about? This guy reminds me more
of a complete sociopath than anything else. Seriously, there’s no way
that Harry simply didn’t notice we were gone. There’s no way he didn’t
notice that that disappearance coincided EXACTLY with the
moment we were attacked by a vicious dragon. The only explanation is
that he intentionally left us behind because we were holding him up on
his way to his precious Quidditch match. Holy Christ, what happened to
that “saving people” thing?
He says, “The snitch, follow
me!” The ride says we should, but I have a suspicion that we’re all
only doing this because we want to catch this guy and wring his neck.
We
really only have time to hear Draco Malfoy spout some generic
trash-talking line about Harry’s mother before the plot, once and for
all, collapses completely.
And it happens with one line.
“Dementors!”
Thanks, Ron.
This
one word leaves me feeling so insulted on so many levels, that I feel I
need to freeze our progression right here, right now.
I’m
going to start by noting that the dialogue in this ride has almost
completely fallen apart at this point. There are almost no lines that
last more than three words, and we’re inhabiting some sort of weird,
Scooby-Doo type universe where all the characters only exist to state
the skull-numbingly obvious.
“The Dragon!” --
“Dementors!” -- “They’re flying!” along with about twenty variations of
the phrase “Look out!” comprise the entirety of the script. I know it’s
a ride, not a movie, but seriously – it’s not too hard to put actual
characters into a ride, instead of a collection of sounding boards.
Here, let’s use an example from my personal favorite dark ride, The
Amazing Adventures of Spiderman.
ORIGINAL VERSION
J. Jonah: My SCOOP! My beautiful SCOOP…!
[Doc Ock misses Spiderman and hits a theater sign with his levitation cannon.]
Spiderman: Woa! Doc, your aim’s worse than your haircut!
Ock: Well it’s good enough for your sitting-duck friends! [Blasts the SCOOP.] Have a nice trip!
[SCOOP rises up into the NYC skyline.]
Spiderman: Hey, wait for me! You’re not insured for this!
HP-altered Version
J. Jonah: It isn’t safe out there!
[Ock misses theater sign]
Spiderman: Woa! You missed.
Ock: I can still catch your friends. [Hits SCOOP.] I got you!
[SCOOP rises]
Spiderman: You’re flying!
[Spiderman
watches SCOOP rise, but neglects to follow. He takes out his camera to
take pictures for Bugle, realizing that it’s both inconvenient to
pursue it and that he needs some shots to get his paycheck tomorrow.
Oh, Mary Jane’s calling. He’ll catch up with the plot later.]
You
see what happens when you take a pretty good scene and strip it down to
a narration? And on top of it, add characters acting completely out of
character? It sounds stupid as hell, doesn’t it?
Ok, now
let’s get to the bigger issue here. Dementors. Their presence and the
reaction to it is so insane and baffling that they deserve a few
paragraphs of commentary, just to themselves.
First off, everyone knows muggles can’t see dementors right? Like, that’s the one creature
that JKR went out of her way to mention was invisible to non-magic
folk. And this ride already took such pains to call us muggles…I’m just
left dumbfounded.
Why the fuck are they here? They have
no reason to be. There are no dark wizards on the loose. Even if they
were acting rogue, how did they get onto the school grounds? Did
Dumbledore think it was a good idea to let them in on the same day
that he let muggles into the school for the first time? Is he trying
to kill us? This is starting to look increasingly likely, and I’m
forced to wonder why the most logical solution for every plothole so far
has been that Dumbledore is a cackling maniac.
You really ARE a scumbag...
And why is no one reacting to this? A horde of SOUL-SUCKING MONSTERS has descended onto the playing field and is KILLING ATHLETES RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE SPECTATORS. If your response is anything below the level of “HOLY SHIT” then you have some serious issues. The most we hear is “Dementors!” and maybe an “Oh no!”?
What
kind of screwed up alternate Hogwarts did we fall into? There’s no
connection between any of the events that have transpired so far. Want
proof? Tell me, if this plotline was presented to you ENTIRELY IN
REVERSE, would it make any less sense?
No, of course not,
because this whole thing is one big montage. It’s like we’re riding
Jimmy Neutron’s Nicktoon Blast or something.
Ok, now that
I’ve got this all off my chest…let’s continue. Somehow we fall into
what I believe is the Chamber of Secrets and have to dodge the dementors
we shouldn’t be able to see but can anyway. Harry’s gone missing
again. No surprises there. Finally, when things finally look their
bleakest, Harry’s forced to finally do a good deed and save us all by
Expecto Patronum-ing all the dementors.
“Follow me!” he says. Then, suddenly, the tunnel starts caving in, for what reason I don’t know.
In any case, this is the script’s last chance to make an impression on
me and it does a marvelous job, as Harry shouts out such memorable lines
as “It’s caving in!” and “Watch out!” And who could forget the part
when he said “We have to get out, quick!” Pure gold, all of it.
So after escaping Wild Arctic’s
finale, we immediately fly to the great hall, where Harry’s being held
up by the entire Gryffindor team, snitch-in-hand. “Thanks everybody!
You were brilliant!”
I mean, I guess I was pretty—Hey
wait. Wait. When did you catch that snitch Harry, huh? I don’t think
you caught it in the game – it was interrupted by dementors. The only
time you could’ve gotten it was…oh no. You piece of crap.
The only explanation is that Harry went back to get it while we were in the Chamber running from dementors. Seriously? He abandoned us AGAIN for sports? What kind of a person does that? Oh my GOD this is insane.
This is the ONLY argument for not killing him right now, on the spot.
Dumbledore says I’m welcome back “anytime,” but it’s Harry’s betrayal
I’m still reeling from when my feet touch the ground again. Wow.
So
what’s the end result? Well, contrary to everything you’ve read, this
is, as I stated from the beginning, actually one of the best rides in
the world. It’s succeeds with flying colors in every area EXCEPT the
plot, so I should to acknowledge it’s better than just about every other
dark ride on the planet (ahem, except Spidey). But I mean…come on.
How hard is it really to think up a plot that isn’t so completely at
odds with common sense, when you have the author on board?
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